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Narcissistic Abuse Is…

…. verbal abuse, physical abuse,  put downs, manipulation, betrayal, lack of empathy, accusations, failure to communicate, lack of intimacy.  What is Narcissism?  It is all of this and more.  Relationships are never easy but an abusive one is damaging in so many ways.

Narcissism is a world that looks like that of everyone else. But it isn’t. It’s the fun house, Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz version of reality where the Mad Hatter rules and the curtain hides a coward and no one is sure of what they see and everything is distorted.

Welcome to a place where you can learn  about narcissistic abuse, leaving it behind, how to do so and how to thrive in your post toxic world.  Here, you can  communicate with others or just sit back and read and learn you are not alone. There is life on the other side of abuse.

You do not have to be the victim of narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder). You don’t have to lose your confidence, hope and passion for life because you are in a relationship with a narcissist. This experience can be a catalyst for growth and self respect and learning how to cope with difficult events and circumstances. You can learn the skills to move beyond.

I’m Ann Bradley and you can find out more about me here Ann Bradley

What is Narcissism? What is Narcissistic abuse?

When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

We use that analogy to draw us in to the collapse of a life; a collapse orchestrated by a narcissistic wife or husband with assistance from the legal system. From that collapse, arises terror, fear, pain and loss of voice. But listen carefully, for brave voices thunder through the universe with truth and power and refusal to accept the silencing. These voices embraces pain and demand justice. This is a hero’s journey: a heart motivated fury, outrage tempered with wisdom and these voices are a gift to all of us.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is categorized as a personality disorder by the mental health profession.  It is referred to as NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Few are ever diagnosed because few go to therapy.  Narcissism is not high self-esteem, but a condition where the typical narcissist suffers from

  • Preoccupation with hiding real or perceived flaws
  • Overestimation of importance, achievements, talents and skills
  • Maladaptive attention seeking behavior
  • Inability to empathize with others
  • Excessive anger and shame in response to criticism often resulting in rage

The narcissist will often manipulate others, especially partners, to control them.  Projection and blame are hallmarks of this manipulation.  It is estimated that 85% of narcissists are males. This site respects all victims of emotional abuse, both male and female.

KNOWING YOU ARE NOT ALONE IS IMPORTANT

Many people think they are the only ones victimized but you are not and you are in very good company. You don’t have to suffer when you leave, and you can learn from what others know.  Men – don’t be alarmed that it refers to narcissistic men – we know it is just as applicable to women.

medical errors and medical narcissism

Click Here To Learn More About The Fantastic Book: Medical Errors and Medical Narcissism

Ann Bradley

17 Comments

  1. Thank you for such a great website. You provide such great information and your books have been incredibly helpful! I hope you continue helping those who have been victims of narcissistic abuse.

  2. Ann, first I wanna say…this comment touched my heart. I have a 16 yr old son, a 13 year old daughter and an 11 yr old son. At what age do I. Explain to them the why’s? I mean the why they feel no love from daddy. Why daddy gives zero hugs..zero kisses..and no going in their rooms to say goodnight. I feel as I’m learning why..at least now I understand why my marriage of 15 yrs was nothing but fraud. At what point to I teach them who daddy is??

    • You’ve asked a very difficult question and one so many of us grapple with. I can tell you what I did. It worked in my situation, try it on for size and see if it might work in yours. I told my then young teen son that his dad loved him but not to expect him to show it in ways that might be easy to see as love or in ways that I might show it. I told him his dad had a core of love for him but not the skills to express it. I did not want him to feel the sting of being unloved and unwanted because I don’t think in the majority of cases this is what’s going on with narcissists and their children. I ask myself, “Would they feel pained if they lost their child?” and I believe they would. Does this translate to love and affection and an awareness of how to feel it, show it, and live it? Not at all. That part is damaged. I think we teach our children that they are loved but it won’t always feel the same from one parent as it does from another and indeed it may not feel like love at all. But that this is the best Dad (or whomever) can do and that’s that.

      See if this line of reasoning feels right for your situation. If not, maybe some others have an idea for you.

  3. Ann, ur idea is exactly right. I’m gonna be honest.. I’ve battled this idea in my head for 2 yrs now and I still do ::
    1. Does my N Know what he’s doing to me and the children. I don’t feel he is malicious, so it confuses me.
    2. Did I give up on my vow of in sickness and in health? yes, its impossible to funcion in a healthy..or even close to healthy anything except friend relationship with an N..but being a fixer..I do ponder the ..giving up on his illness feeling.
    I do know the abuse is real but does he? I do see him as a broken child at times and I get emotional. I’m sure ..almost positive that when I tell him my needs and desires..he hears me. But for whatever reason he finds that contolling instead of the reality of it. I do battle with the fact that he could change some of his behavior if he cared? Geesh at least the daily 12 plus beer consumption? Will he ever..ever know that I was dx’ed with battered women syndrome and actually understand that it in fact his doing? The whole thing is soo confusing to a “normal” person.

  4. I have been in a relationship going on 4 years. The simplest things are made complicated, he takes the credit for anything I’ve done to better myself. If he does do something nice and you don’t grandiously appreciate it he then demands that you should which ruins any kindness he did offer.

    He keeps a tally on what he has spent on me which is always way over the real amount. He expects me to pay my part in everything and we don’t even live together. Seems to take some kind of joy when I do fail but reassures me that he will help me through it but it never happens when I ask or really need help, only when he decides to help long after I have gone through my hardship and no longer need it or want it from him. Points out any where I am lacking, like my lawn needs mowing or my dishes are dirty or my hair needs coloring, never offering to pay for it, knowing I can’t financially do certain things. He stops by unannounced and blows my phone up when I don’t answer his calls and shows up anyway. It seem’s like the less interest I have in him the nicer he becomes.

    He has beaten me in a rage when no one is there to witness it and then tells his own story to his friends saying how it was my fault but continues to pursue me. I fell in love with him wanting intimacy and he would not respond , said he had to be turned on first,B>S how does that make a woman feel. Now he trys to be intimant and I just can’t..I truly broke up with him 2 yrs ago and he still will not go away .. He is sorry and has changed and seems he has because i am not around him as much as i use to be, so i am alway’s confused about what to feel because he can be nice I have kept my distance but tried to remain friends because it seems like he needs me to and draws from me some energy. I am tired of pacifying him to keep from his extreme anger from rejection. No one likes him I know ecspecially my family but tolerate his presence because they respect me. He gives me nothing to keep or that last and i resent him for acting as though he has.. I want nothing from him because I know it’s not real or will last..The only break I have is when he is being lifted up by someone else but that does’nt last for long before the lack meeting his exspectations. I go 6 months away from him and he always comes back around if i show any kindness…HELP..Frankly I am so tired of it all…I could go on an on but i get tired of thinking about it. I can’t help him anymore and do not trust him with my heart anyway. He takes my kindness as if we are getting back together and of course for a few days i think it possible but i know this is not a healthy relationship, which i have a history of those, and i am done caring for somelse more than myself when they do not return it and if he has changed he needs another girl so that i don’t damage any change he has made. I have recently figured out he has this by praying alot and revalation knowledge given to me by the Holy Spirit led me to this site and the illness searching for the answer and I know God is helping me right now through this….

  5. You have almost torn relationships or one at all with our family and friends. They tell you to get away but you don’t see him as the problem soon enough. He preys on your insecurities and fears and can convince almost anyone he is right and they are wrong. Always getting your hopes up with false problems to knock you down. “You make me do this, say this, be this etc…” I can’t count how many times I’ve heard this. I didn’t get my wake-up call until I read ‘Ditch that Jerk’ by Pamela Jayne. I found my relationship in that book laid out “in order” You don’t realize though how hard it is to get away from them though. They stalk you, lie, abuse, manipulate anyone and everything to get at you to create fear and chaos.. I guess they are trying to regain control to keep you from leaving. They need constant control.. They get a ‘high’ off it and deceiving other people.

    • Spell check errors… You lose most of your friends and your relationship with your family is strained and controlled. He gets your hopes up of asking things better when you start acting accordingly.. but it’s only to later knock you down and blame you for things not working out. He will use any means necessary to get back at you for exposing his abusive ways to anyone or showing signs in public to people he is manipulating and trying to impress.

      • Once you break and let him have his way and stop fighting with him… He is bored with you and will create problems to keep you occupied and distracted… Or he will abandon you sending your whole life into hell as a lesson to know the legal system can’t help you in time and being already broke in spirit you’ll be begging him…. He gets off on that. May even tell you it was a test because he knows you don’t really love him and only with him for what you can get from him…etc..

  6. It really help’s to know that I’m not the only one who is under a powerful hand of word play… I’ve taken it for 8 yrs and now I’m numb to it, I do find myself working hard on my behalf of trying not to do something that is going to set him off.. and it alway’s narrow’s down to it being my fault… the names, the cursing, the put downs…he know’s how to keep me in my place… I’m afraid to speak my mind, knowing if I do, he’s going to explode with anger.. he get’s right up to my face yelling and shouting his disappointment’s with me… leaving no room for me to defend myself… I know I need to make a move and leave, in 2010 I had gotton very ill, in need of a Liver transplant, and on top of it I have a very bad heart… this just added more fuel to his rage… he has a good income, but me I’m ion disability because of my illness.. I have no money to move with… so I have to do the best that I can, and that is to walk on egg shells… I feel hopeless, and that I am nothing but a problem for anyone… I feel that I can’t be helped, until I help myself first.. Thank you for letting me express a little of my sad life…..

    • Hi,

      You have rights. Are you married? You are then considered by the legal system as an economic unit with rights to monies. You may not understand this or know this, so I suggest searching online for your state, the law on this issue. Do it in stealth mode and hide your tracks, but do it. Or go to the library and look at a book such as how to divorce in your state. You can find family law attorneys online with blog or pages or articles that give you information.

      Do it! begin, it will give you a goal and hope, but don’t talk about it. Just keep it to yourself for now. He’s too much a rageaholic for you to have him find out either from you or another that you might even be looking into this.

      You have rights – more than you know.

      Best, Ann

  7. I want to thank you for creating and maintaining a forum for victims’ voices to be heard. After having been emotionally abused by a psychologist I had taken my children to see, I spent almost a year trying to piece together the reality of what happened in that destructive relationship. After the abusive relationship, I finally got up the courage to see a new therapist to help me with the the PTSD I had developed as a result of the horrific abuse. The problem was that the new therapist was not really aware of Narcissistic Abuse and the effects it would have on victims. Although she knew something was wrong with what happened with the previous therapist and even filed a complaint with the Ohio Board of Psychology with me, she didn’t fully understand the level of evil, horror and deception with what happened. While I continued to see the new therapist, I search tirelessly online for information that could make sense of what I saw and experienced. I found a victims advocacy group called TELL and they were able to connect me with resources and other victims. I brought what I learned to my current therapist and helped her to understand what had happened to me. I am finding that very few professionals in the mental health field really know what this type of abuse is making it so much harder for victims to find healing. This of us who have learned what really happens have to continue to be heard for those victims of this abuse who are still searching for answers to what happened to them. The real kicker to this whole situation, the board of psychology completely dismissed the 15 point ethical complaint against this therapist despite having hundreds of email messages detailing much of the abuse in his own words. I didn’t have a therapist prior to this monster, but I have needed ongoing support for PTSD for a year and a half. If a victim who was didn’t even need therapy prior to being abused with so much evidence outlining the abuse can’t get the board to do something about monsters like this, imagine what happens to other victims with less evidence. To really bring the attention this probelm needs to be fully addressed, we have much work to do. Please don’t stop writing on talking about this. Thank you for your time.

    • Thank YOU for sharing your story and information. Even though the complaint was dismissed, it made a difference. Don’t ever stop being proactive because results may not be immediate. The therapist in question will be more careful and the Board, though still in cahoots with the therapists themselves, was educated.

      I receive a lot of people who find me from a website on therapist abuse. It is way too common. Your telling of your story probably has done more for many than many therapists. Thank you. You are wonderful…keep on going. And FYI…see what the VA hospitals are doing in some places with PTSD. Google PTSD, veterans, EFT. EFT was designed by a Stanford engineer and it balances the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems which calm the body and mind. Youtube has videos of psychiatrists using it for PTSD. The government likes it because it is quick, and effective, and that translates into less costly. EFT is also known as tapping. Whatever it is called, it is amazing for many. You can download the original manual and do it yourself – I like self care, others may not. Best to you and thanks so much for your information. Ann

    • Agreed – most therapy professionals are not well-informed about NPD and the effect on the victim. Therefore it can be difficult to find help – and a risk of getting more injured and screwed up (abused?) by a therapist who is ignorant on this. More “blame the victim/let’s talk about YOU.” Agree also with PTSD – foxholes aren’t the only cause. It boils down to dealing with an irrational person (N) who seems to the rest of the world like an educated, mature adult. Once you can wrap your brain around that paradox you can trust yourself again and see more clearly.

  8. I am/was/trying to stop a relationship with a guy that is suffering from this illness. As a volunteer , I met him, we fell in love right away. Now 5 years later I cant stand to be in the same room with, yet a miss him all the time. While in his presence it good for the first little while, meaning couple of hours.. he is always sorry, apologizing for letting me down, not being there, as my man,.he also suffers from alcohol addiction. He will leave for 1 wk or so , come back around, at first I coddled that behaviour and was just so happy he is safe and we are together. After awhile I saw the pattern started to label it for him. Didnt want to tolerate it any longer after 3 years, finally told him to leave, which easily progressed to that from all his missing in action. I have raised three children on my own, wonderfully, not easily, they cant understand what the attraction is, knowing what he has to offer is nothing but bad attitude, manupulative arguments, abusive everything.Now we are homeless, staying in a shelter, while he continues to stay on the streets n drink. Every now and then he will surface and vow to change, remitt the promises we had for each other, I give him a hard time, he will say everything that a girl in love with needs to hear, then starts his crap. With in a few days im miserable , insecure, angered, at myself for continually allowing his lies to be believed. wanting this relationship to work out. My connection with all those that I was friewnds with have diminished because thaey got sic n tired of watching me get, n be hurt during this toxic relationship.all alone with no one to turn to, i sit and wonder where my state of mind is for wanting this guy in my life. reading the outline for this illness I should of seen all the signs from the beginning, I was wearing rose coloured glasses. From the start, it was my fault that people looked at my bum because I wasa standing on a bus.he completly flipped out when we got off. I was not sure why he was getting upset on the bus, when we got off, I recieved my first beating from him, in the parking lot. I am a heavy set girl, people stare at me all the time. I blind eye them, this guy used that to make me feel insecure. I can go on and on, i dont believe it helps my healing from him.

    • Stop beating yourself up! You have valuable insight and you can use it. Don’t blame yourself for behavior that comes from emotional scars given to you. Thank you for sharing your story. It is as valuable as you are. That he is filling an emotional void is what happens sometimes that keeps us bonded to toxic people. Give yourself a break – forgive yourself, put on your Teflon clothes and let him bounce off you. Try for calm and it makes it easier to stay away from toxic bonding. Everytime you want to blame yourself stop the thought pattern with better thoughts: “I am not going there. I’m too valuable to lose myself in a loser’s cosmos.” Or whatever works for you. Best to you on your journey. You are smart, and worthy and you can define your destination. Ann

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