107

Lack Of Empathy

LACK OF EMPATHY – OUCH!

A hurtful act is the transference to others of the degradation which we bear in ourselves.  – Simone Weil

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.  – Oscar Wilde

You are not a person to a narcissist and therefore you will never receive empathy from them.  Your pain is invisible or, if pointed out, is of no consequence.  If you cry, “You don’t understand” that is true.  Relating to, support of, caring what you experience, and understanding what you are going through, is not available in a relationship with a narcissist. You walk alone.

Relating to A Narcissist

Watching a narcissist ingratiate himself to those he wants to please and from whom he wants admiration, you becomes an observer of the morphing from one persona to another. When I see the calm demeanor, the charming pleaser, the one who “could not possibly ever rage”, I am reminded of why dealing with a narcissist has been called living a war that never ends.

Finding out that someone you love has no understanding of others feelings and pain can hit like a ton of bricks. Every awakening experienced seems like the worst. “I never felt your pain.” is how my husband showed me his narcissism.  I had just finished telling him how I had always felt his pain and  used that as an excuse for his behavior (“oh, he suffered so much, I’ll let that go, I won’t challenge him, he’s had enough”).

People wonder what is wrong with those  that marry, live and stay with a narcissist. There is nothing wrong, except their fear of the Pandora Box Effect. If you challenge the status quo, find your voice, and let people know what living with this person is really like, you unleash enormous rage .

Disengaging

Disengaging from a narcissist is having a strength that wasn’t there before. It is the strength to look at those who can not see your pain and not despair of their less than normal reaction. During a marriage you may not be fully cognizant of the situation. Emotional distancing and lack of questions about you or desire to know how you feel or to discuss  problems is not normal. Living with a narcissist means never having to say, “I exist.” It means acting as if you are sorry all the air isn’t available for them. It’s a rotten way to live. But we don’t have to stay there once we know what we are dealing with.

Words have power. Name the illness and it loses some of its power. With a narcissist that isn’t as easy as with other situations. He will not care that you have been hurt or damaged by him, he will not care that you are in pain or even dying. He will stop at nothing to hurt you if you go against him.

A man who cares will not scream: “I’d rather pay the IRS than child support.”  But this same man will NEVER let anyone else see this side of him.  He must keep the public face in a public place, at any cost.

The Narcissist and His Attorney

A narcissists lawyer!  Now there’s a nightmare if he too is a narcissist.  My husband’s lawyer asked him: “Do you want me to hit her over the head with a 2×4?”  When he was told my husband would rather pay the IRS than child support, he laughed in my face and said: “Well, there’s your answer, Ann.”

I’m not sure what the question was, but does it matter?  They too do not care – certainly not about the damage they create in the family.  Mothers try and hold the family together, lawyers pull them apart. The pain of mother and child is collateral damage. This mother will not let this go unsaid: if lawyer’s were held accountable for what damage they create, the courts would be overflowing. If mothers and children could sue  – and who ever hears of the disenfranchised and disempowered and disrespected suing – then they would be in court all the time to receive justice. But justice doesn’t exist with a narcissist and his narcissistic lawyer. Annihilation, winning at any cost, damage control, but never justice.

Ann Bradley

107 Comments

  1. I just found your site. I found a lot helpful, I lost during a very long nightmare with a change of judges. Dealing with a disability and seriousand complex medical care that was allowed to cone to a halt. To deteriorate while being left abandoned in the marital home my spouse was allowed to completely abandon and also leave me with no medical and falsify all, force me into a newly created , harmful, custom made judgment, immediately after a new judge took over. There had been arrangements already for me to be moved and secured in my own residence and a n agreement that was just and fair. I went from one judge where I was going to be OK, have a chance of having a life. To only being persecuted and for a very long time where it only became persecution.

    • Oh stop complaining you old bitch. You probably deserved it anyway. Most of you women have no self reflection or ability to admit that your narcissistic even if your not full blown narcissistic ! And to top it off you put crap on men that should just be put onto yourselves. Grow a pair, you selfish feminist collection of bitches !

      • Anyone that replies to people in pain with “You probably deserved it” has issues no one here needs to deal with. But reflecting it back to you will perhaps help you self reflect on the sad irony of a person hoping to see someone in pain put himself out as an authority. Who was it that taught you it is ok to be so mean and hurtful to anyone, male or female?

      • Wow … what an angry, frustrated and bitter person you are. A coward, too, by not disclosing your name.

      • What a horrible, foul and disgusting person you are! How DARE you talk to another human being in that way, and who has been through so much stress. Karma is a bitch…..and she will be knocking on YOUR door one day, believe that!

  2. Once I learned about this disorder and that I played no part in it, I literally let go of any responsibility to make excuses for him anymore. I realized that he did not need me in his life, he needs psychiatric help. I realized that he was like that before he met me and is still that way even though we are no longer a couple. I sit back and look at this man who told me for years that he was basically doing me a favor by being with me and how many women wanted him and wonder why he has not moved on with his life. Since he does not see me as an actual person with my own feelings, he has not accepted my admission to him that I will never ever resume or resurrect a relationship with him, he continues to try to “repair” the relationship, simply by spending a few dollars on flowers or gifts all to no avail. In this man’s eyes, I still “belong”to him, although we have not lived together since 2010. We don’t date, we are not romantic in any way, I do not call him, he calls me, I don’t ask him how he is doing or how is his life going, I don’t know if he dates, all because I DO NOT CARE, all that being said, but by his logic, I am supposed to want what he wants, not what I want. As he says I live in the past although when he feels like it he hurls insults and continues to call me names, I am only dealing with this because we have a child with this clown, I simply dismiss it and chalk it up to him being a major A-hole.

    These people really have no clue whatsoever how to relate or connect to another person on a human level, they dehumanize you and therefore to them you have no thoughts and no feelings. I realize the reason he has not moved on is because, he knows himself all too well and knows he would never be able to meet a woman and keep her happy. Most women would leave ASAP once he revealed his true self, and narcissist can’t help but to reveal their true self, because they can only pretend but for so long and most women would run and fast. He knows this, he does not want to do the work it would take to try and keep a woman from leaving him because that would require something from him that does not exist within him, and this is why he would rather continue to try and resurrect the old with me than start something new with someone else. The me he knew then, proved herself to be loyal and took his crap and that is attractive to him, not that I am attractive to him, but my ability to acquiesce is what’s attractive. A woman with no life, no zest, no needs, no spirit, and no fight in her, is attractive to him because she does not challenge him to change in any way. The type of woman he always said I wasn’t would never put up with him or his crap, so in my opinion, that is why he is not with that type of woman today.

    I use his lack of empathy and ability to connect as a reminder that his issues are not my issues and that he needs the kind of help that I am not equipped to offer him and I am ok with that. I see him spinning out of control because he is scrambling to present to the world that he has someone there for him, when in reality he does not. I always told him that he wants the facade of a family but does not want to do what is necessary to make it a reality. The image he presented was the most important thing.

    We both existed before we met each other and can go on existing without each other. I at least know that I will find a happy normal man to love and who will love me back, I can’t say that for him however, as I do not believe he will ever find inner peace and true happiness.

    • You really think you got all your answers off the internet but all you got is more excuses for leaving your husband. i can say for fact that the internet was made for home wrecking and a very job it has done. how about shut off your computer and save your marrrage! I cant beleave you people really beleave this crap you put on these websites, hey what ever helps you sleep better at night and good luck finding that perfect man. shut off your comptuter
      before it ruins your whole life and more power to ya.

      • Dear Truth: We here at http://www.narcissisticabuse.com like the truth as much as anyone else. So to honor that concept we introduce the fact that the internet was not made for home wrecking despite your claim that this is so.. Please google the phrase The beginnings of the Internet and find many, many sites explaining how the Internet came to be. In all fairness, I will publish any site you find to counter this information and proves your claim that the Internet was designed as a home wrecker. Best, Ann

      • You have obviously never suffered from this type of abuse. It is an indescribable pain. It is people like you that use the internet for evil instead of good. The people on this forum are a support group for people that are suffering this type of abuse. This information saves lives. Please go reassess yourself and why you feel the need to respond in such a negative way.

        • I know ur comments. R old but I wondered. If ones husband could change from “normal ” to this illness? And how? We have been together. For 9 yrs off and on but these last 7 months have been hell. The destinations I read here fit him to a t. I M in so much emotional pain I don’t know how I wake up every day and be mommy for our 4 children

          • Sonnie,

            It was probably there in many ways before but you just didn’t see it. I’m going to guess that you were raised by a narcissist or a borderline , therefore this behaviour from your husband was normal. As you work on your own mental health, you become hyper aware of the abuse that you’re suffering and that your relationship is abnormal. It’s horrible emotional pain. Try to protect your children, disengage and don’t look to him for validation. Raise your kids and plan an escape. You’re okay. You’re healing. That’s good.

      • Who are you? What do you think you know about any of this? I’m 71 years old and rapidly losing my ability to live in this situation any longer. My health is almost completely destroyed by trying to be my strong, good, kind self and find a way to fix this situation which simply never could have been fixed. Think I’m off to find some perfect new husband…I’m just happy to live through a day, manage to get some sleep at night and then get out of bed and face whatever has planned to make the coming day more painful than those before it. Why don’t you shut your nasty ugly mouth and pick on someone who can still take it?

        • I am speechless!!! Thank you julie, for your response to “truth”…the internet is literally saving my life…sites such as this put a name to the insanity I dealt with on and off for over 8 years. I am back re-reminding myself that people like this do not change…I allowed my self to drop my protective wall with my exboyfriend only a couple of weeks ago…hoping that his attempts at controlling his alcohol consumption, would make him different. Oh no…the lies, and cheating, and deception remain. The alcohol is not the culprit for his cruelty…it is just another byproduct of who he is inside. I am throwing myself, once again into reading blogs, and going to sites offering ways to detach permanently. I thank God for those that are willing to share their horrendous experiences, simply to help others. People don’t understand…unless you have lived it…I was one of those 8 years ago.

      • The truth is, you’re crazy! How about that? I have to say, you must be touched with some narcissitic behavior yourself, to even say those things. This is the thing, sites like these allow people to talk about issues that they might not feel comfortable with talking to a friend or family member about. Where you get the idea of the internet being a home wrecking device, is crazy, like you.I certainly don’t think that anyone on here came to this site to “find a man”, most likely try to get rid of one instead! Some people actually think it’s more to a marriage than putting up a front, or making the other person happy, while you’re putting up with abuse.You sound just like my ex, who got really angry after Nicole B Simpson got murdered and domestic violence got a bright light shown on it! That made my ex so mad, he couldn’t stand those women who helped other women leave abusive marriages. He to called them home wreckers, he’s also narcisstic! He told me once they got their own husbands to take care of, why are they trying to get that man took away from his wife, just for putting her in her place! This, what you had to say, says it all. You need some help yourself and i don’t even know you, don’t have to know you. i know the ignorant comment you made on here, that was enough! One thing about folks like yourself, you never see any wrong in anything you do, your always right about everything.NOT, you think you’re right all the time…but you’re always wrong!

      • I never said I got all of my answers off of the internet, never said I was married but YOU somehow think you have all of the answers and yet you got everything wrong. Perhaps YOU need to get off of this evil thing that was solely created to destroy marriages and stop worrying about what the people who are on this website are doing. Something brought you here to this site that just so happens to be on the evil marriage ending internet. You can save you “advice” because there is not anything that you can say to me to even make me WANT to work on the relationship I had with that narcissist or any other narcissist that I may ever encounter in life, thank goodness I can smell them coming now. The truth is Truth, I do sleep a hell of a lot better by not being with a man that wrecked havoc on my emotions, my self esteem, and everything else in my life, so you don’t have to tell me to sleep better babe because I already am, now why don’t YOU shut off YOUR computer, and specifically get off of this website that obviously has nothing to do with you, and go catch some zzzz. People like you are hilarious to me, you take your time to go searching for something like this obviously did a search about narcissism and was lead here but for what? You are coming here using the very tool (the internet) that you say destroys. Something about this subject must be touching a nerve in your life or you wouldn’t have come here. I know why I have come here and just by reading the accounts of other people who have lived with and loved a narcissist, I know why they have come here, but you, I don’t know why you have come here except perhaps to try and destroy something (just like the internet according to you) but hey whatever helps you sleep better at night. If you felt better giving your two cents here on this site, yay for you.

        • Im thinking Truth came on this site to read about narcissism and saw himself. God defensive and blamed the site and internet for what he actually saw in himself. Not taking any responsibility for his own actions but blaming the internet. So blame the internet. Im thinking he looked into a mirror and didnt like what he saw LOL!!

      • Reply for truth, Are you kidding? Save your marriage you say, we can’t because he doesn’t want to. In private he’s different to public. example; He left, one month later he sent me a wife birthday card, flowers and perfume, I asked him ‘what does this mean, do you want to try again’? His reply ‘No, if I loved you I’d be there with you wouldn’t I’.

        Confused yet TRUTH…. to me he says no, to the world he pretends he tries and I am ‘ungrateful.’ He will say “Leave me alone find someone else.”, so I leave him alone, then he’s all ‘you don’t bother or care about me.’ Confused, get it yet? lose lose situation. All this crazy talk from the narcissist is making me ill.

        He is so desperate to look the victim he said I was violent towards him. I have no choice to see him, we have 4 children. I stopped believing his lies. I was a good girl with no opinion, i didn’t used to question his stories regarding his awful 1st and 2nd wife. I didn’t go out much when I did he would say ‘if you’d rather go out than stay here with me and the children then you go.’ I used to feel so guilty when i went out with friends I stopped going.

        In 18 years together I only went out 7 times without him. He made me feel like a bad wife and mother for having a meal with school mums. He still tries with the guilt, sometimes it works, sometimes not. When it does not work he will not stop being vengeful until i am upset. He rewrites history, changes his part of what happened, what he did, what I said.

        He must be seen as the fun friendly nice guy so leaving me with 4 children blew his persona. He says things like ‘we are not together, but don’t have a go at my wife she’s the mother of my children.’ Indicating I was unfaithful. He blames me for everything, when I ignore his behaviour he doesn’t call the children, wont see them, or is late. Its all control. We were both invited to a friends 40th party, he said he would pick me up. He knew i was looking forward to going and then he wasn’t going, it was his weekend to have the children, but didn’t have them hoping I too wouldn’t be able to go. So, my mother stayed round so I stayed at our family friends house over night after the party. This is an everyday thing for most people, but very out of character for me. When he found out I went on my own and stayed out he went crazy, of course he punished the children by not letting them give him a fathers day gift, telling the children he’s not coming because your mother went out. Of course he twisted it by saying I told him not to come another lie. His decision not to go was to hurt me, I made my self go out that night. So TRUTH, before you post your opinion as if we are stupid silly people please consider this. I have been controlled by a man who would worship the ground I walked on, yet made me feel the ugliest person in the world at the same time, the twisted abuse I have to tolerate has taken its toll on me. I am getting stronger, and better, but most of all I envy you. I loved him with all my heart, he had no use for me anymore, yet wants me here just in case he does, if i am not available trouble begins. I am at times trapped in my own home, and put up with some for the sake of the children. i prey he finds someone else, and then can put his sick attention on her. but in turn I know he will find a quiet, kind hearted person who will mother him and love him and believe what he says, until one day she discovers the truths and questions him, after a while she stops believing him then he will leave her, and blame her and say ‘you should have treated me better.’ And so it begins again, TRUTH.. if she is lucky she will find this site and realise she did nothing wrong, she should not feel guilty to the point of killing herself, and realise that gifts he sends does not mean he loves her but that he hopes it will keep her waiting just in case he needs her. So TRUTH, how do you like us now.’ My husband might as well say ‘beleive my bull shit or I will leave you and punish you for eternity by not gracing you with my presence.’ so when my children cry for their daddy, ‘its my fault, I should have treated him the way he deserved to be’ yes, I should have treated him the way he deserved but its illegal!!!! ;)

      • I am going to guess by this hateful statement, “Truth”, that you are probably the sort of person who got married to someone who turned out to be an abusive narcissist, refused to get divorced because of some conviction, religious or not, and despise anyone who won’t “bear the cross of martyrdom” like yourself. Or maybe you’re someone who had a wife who “dared” to confront you about your own verbal abuse, so now you feel the need to belittle anyone who questions the abuser’s “authority” to abuse. Whatever the case may be, you ought not pass judgment on those who have found the strength to confront what to them is a living hell. Good luck dealing with your own problems, “Truth”.

      • Fighter: Don’t ever feel like your alone and none ever understands you! I too have found that my girl has a lot of those traits and not only is cold but the isolation is devastating. I found that no matter HOW I explain my feelings, I’m always looked at in an evil way like I just ran over her dog. All I want is to have communication with the one I love and theirs always some excuse on why we can’t talk (silence from her, I’m tired, “I don’t wanna deal with this right now! (my Fav)” and many more excuses). I always brushed it off as if I did something wrong and never thought about it. I’m not a judging person and if you knew me you would say the same, but when things become too predictable you have to wonder. It’s ok to surf the web for answer to the unknown. Correct, not all the answers are going to be right but at least you can find something out that relates.

        NOW…….

        Truth: Let me begin by saying, I can empathize with you on not reading into some of the BS found online. That’s as far as I’m willing to take your comment posted above. if you REALLY want to speak the truth as you state that is your name then you might want to pick apart your erratic semi-angry words YOU chose to say. Instead of empathizing with Fighter you chose to break her down and basically call her stupid for acknowledging her own relationship issues. You then blame the internet for her isolated marriage and that she should get off her computer and fix her marriage. I would love for you to give a step by step resolution of how she would do that when her X husband manipulates her for his own personal gain? Again, I don’t know her and theirs 3 sides to every story (Hers/His/Truth), but I will say that its funny that: “I cant beleave you people really beleave this crap you put on these websites, hey what ever helps you sleep better at night and good luck finding that perfect man.” (as you say) you found this site and took the time to read what people are going thru and what they have to say. Why would you be on this site anyway? Perhaps you have a touch of narcism in you? Enjoy your day and remember to stay off the internet if your in a relationship! Thanx!

      • Dear Mr. Narcissist. Thank you so much for your lack of empathy. Textbook. Continue to post and show us how a tru narcissist really operates. Nice work!!

      • You know what ‘truth’ is clearly a narcassist! For all those women suffering out there…I am in three months no contact! Never dared take it this far…why?? because deep down I knew I never existed and was simply scared of letting go. His reaction to me saying NO MORE was to punish me with silent treatment back…why?? To fulfil his ultimate goal of making me feel worthless. I am not sure what some write about this needing to happen to wake us up, I really don’t believe we should have suffered like this however clearly we all we touched by evil. I am a beautiful funny ambitious amazing sexy strong caring deep peoples person. So narcassist…..you can kiss my amazing arse and crawl back to the dark hole you came from and suck out somebody else’s light. I will survive and so will all you amazing women out there!! Remember narcs don’t go for anything less Tracey

  3. As I read this my heart aches as I have after 16 yrs. of marriage to a narc. man come to realize the depth of his NPD and all the abusive cycles I and my 3 children survived thru. I now am going thru a legal separation, and he instead of being sadened and in remorse for his abusiveness and affairs is living life like I never existed. As well as enjoying it to the fullest and showing his new found freedom on his facebook “fan” pages. He has used fb. as a real weapon and I think it is a narcissists dream of showing the world what a wonderful person they are. People honestly believe his lies and agree when he tells the world his wife is just “crazy”. I am broken and he is living it up. He is incapable of empathy, compassion, or mercy. What I lived thru was hell, and the slow destruction that he planned against my mind and soul has taken its toll. I could barely think for myself anymore or even make a small decision on my own. He “owned” me in all sense of the word. He also still spouts his “righteousness” to the world and his “savior” role to all women he needs to save from themselves or others. He is a fraud and a liar, and the sadest part is that there are 3 beautiful, hurt, and very confused and abused children involved. It is shocking that the court system here double victimizes the abused wives-and the judge was a women. dispicable…..

    • Please know that you will not remain “broken” and that the healing has begun because you are here and you are aware of who and what you were dealing with. I swear I believe change comes from just knowing. So many women still do not know they are dealing with narcissists and are still in the dark and are scrambling around putting their energy into fixing what they believe to be a “bad relationship” and little do they know, that it is so much more than that, so you are definitely on the right track because you do know. Trust me, once you start putting more and more of your energy into yourself and less into him and the whys and why nots, you will not feel as broken, you will feel empowered. Don’t let him take any more of your energy, who cares what his new life is like, I say just remember what your old life was like with him and be grateful that he is gone from it and starting making your life into the life YOU want. I say this because I am sure being married to a narcissist, you weren’t really living the life YOU wanted, you were living the life HE wanted, because that’s what we do, we fall in line with their program and lose sight of what our program is and can be. It will get better but it takes time and work. Don’t let the past take away from your now, be all about the now!

  4. As I think back on my Narc ex-husband and all the horrible, twisted and abusive things he did to me, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. He threw me out of our home in a narcissistic/borderline rage and because he bought the home before he met me, I had no legal right to it. I lived there as his wife for 8 years, painting, remodeling, furnishing, planting shrubs and flowers and making it a beautiful home. And this arrogant, hateful devil threw me out without a second thought. I repeatedly asked him to put my name on the deed for years. He said he would, but then always had an excuse and never did. He went into a screaming narcissistic rage for no reason one morning as I was getting ready for work. I literally had to throw armfuls of clothes and personal items into the back of my car and then go to work! I never went back. He played with my emotions for the next two years, saying he wanted to reconcile and then saying no he didn’t, then yes he did, etc. These men are pathological liars. One week he would tell me that he wanted to reconcile with me and the next week he would tell me he wanted to move on with his life and meet someone else! He broke my heart over and over again.

    During the course of the marriage I had a recurrence of cancer and developed an autoimmune disease. I truly feel both of these physical ailments were brought on by the abuse and stress from living with him. He stopped having sex with me after only two years of marriage. I should have left him then. He was mad over something he said I did (another hypervigilant overreaction). He held a grudge and never had sex with me again for the next 5 years. I am so embarrassed that I stayed with a hateful, vindictive, abusive man like this. When I asked him why he would not be physically intimate with me, he said that “when a man is not attracted to his wife, this is what happens”. This is the same man that said I was beautiful and “made for the bedroom” and could not keep his hands off me for the first 4 years that we were together (we were engaged for three years). He turned on me, going from loving and doting to demanding, cruel, cold and grudge-holding. He would scream that he was going to let his grown kids know “what I was really like.” (This was the second marriage for both of us. Thank God I did not have any children with this idiot. ) Talk about a “God Complex”. He made the most abusive demands and had the most abusive expectations of me. He expected me to cook for and coddle his grown kids and family. He filed for divorce 2 days after I cooked Easter dinner for his whole family. Three months before that he had asked me to move back in. He wanted to reconcile with me. I could write a book.

    Long story short. He divorced me because I said I could not go to an out-of-town birthday party for one his relatives. I was sick with a sinus infection and an autoimmune flare-up. He said that wasn’t a good enough excuse. I had to be in the hospital, and then he would “excuse” me. Go to hell. His sense of entitlement was sickening and maddening. This is when I finally put my foot down and said no, I had gone every year for the past 8 years and I just could not do it this year. He divorced me. This is no joke. Narcissists are mentally ill, evil and vindictive. I could go on forever with disgusting examples of his verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Thank God he divorced me. But, this has been the hardest, most hurtful thing I have ever had to go through. I cried for months working through the pain and heartbreak. My mind could not come to grips with the fact that the man I thought would love me until I died (or he died) could be so cold, cruel, fake, not even human. It boggles the mind. He would treat people he just met better than he treated me as his wife! He actually yelled at me for bothering him when he was trying to talk to (impress with his fake self) his son’s new in-laws. I called him on his cell phone because I could not find him at this family outdoor party and he was angry that I had dared to call him on his cell phone and embarass him while he was talking to these people. I was having some physical problems that day and I needed my husband for a few moments and he refused to answer his cell phone. Hateful things like this were commonplace occurrences and this was just the very tip of the iceberg. I finally found him smiling and “acting” the perfect role for these people as I limped up to him. He showed his displeasure with me by a hateful look on his face. He smiled at her and then look hateful at me, his wife!

    I do want to say one last thing. Many therapists that we went to were taken in by his good looks, charm, and he manipulated them! My heart sunk as I was blamed by two of the therapists (women!) as being hard on him! I actually was suicidal after one session in which the therapist (a weak man) let my ex abuse me and call me names in the session! My ex lied to me to get me into the session (he said that he wanted to reconcile with me) and then in the middle of the session he said he wanted to see other women! I wanted to kill myself that night. I got on the phone, got some emotional support, and cried my heart out for hours.

    I am rebuilding my life and I am determined to live it well, and with joy! Let me encourage all of you who have been the victim of a Narc., to get out and detach from them (I finally blocked his number from my phone. He wanted to see me on the side, still with no sex, while he was pursuing a relationship with another woman.) These men are truly twisted and mentally ill. Don’t ever speak to them again and start living the life you deserve! Thank you to all of you beautiful, strong women. I have been strengthened by your testimonies. God Bless us all!

    • And many thanks to you for sharing your story. Every story shared becomes a link in a chain that victims use to climb up and out and onward. These stories are testaments of strength and character and wisdom and mean so much. Thank you. Best, Ann

    • I had to come back to your entry Rhonda because as I read your story and thought, this man filed for divorce for THAT, I just cannot help but think about how silly, immature and simple-minded these people are. I think about the dumb stuff that my ex actually forms his lips to say and I sometimes just laugh at the lunacy of it all. When we (those involved with narcissists) are in a place where we either have disengaged from their torment or are at least ready to disengage from it, after a while, you cannot help but sit back and look at how these men are really like tween boys. It is so easy for me not go back to this man, because his immaturity is such a major turn-off and is such a joke, that I could never ever consider reconciling. I listen to him, and watch his actions and all I can do now is shake my head and laugh at how silly he is.

      My ex just recently bought our child some clothes and sent a nasty text days later, saying I have to give him half of the money, mind you this man does not pay child support (I never filed), and mind you I did not ask him to buy any clothes for our child, he just did it on his own and now he THINKS, I’m going to pay half (insert laughter here!). He must be out of his ever loving mind. When I read the text, and its nastiness du jour, I laughed and did not even acknowledge that nonsense with a response. Narcissists are pathetic. I know the issue of abuse of any kind is a serious one and is not to be made light of, but I can’t help but to make light of the things my ex does and says. They literally do not know how to relate to you in a mature way at all and at my age, I’m sorry but I’m over it. It might be cute when a 4 year old acts out and throws a tantrum but not when a 40 year old MAN does it.

    • OMG I am living your life and currently trying to get the strength and frame of mind to get away from him. After 11 years he has me brain washed that I am the one with all the issues and I am the one that needs helps. He changes the locks on the doors and kicks me out at least 4 times a year. We have been together for 11 years and he has cheated on me several times. Yells and rants for hours and hours if something happens that he is not happy about.
      I have had several healty issues in the past and have gotten NO SUPPORT from him. He has told lies about me to his family,defamed in, ridiculed me, made me feel like an absolute fool in the community.
      I wonder where I am going to get the strength to get away from this Dirt Bag? Your advise would be greatly appreciated.

    • Rhonda I am so sorry for the pain caused to you by an idiot. There is some peace to be found when you make it to the grief stage of forgiveness and acceptance. My husband just too me f me in front of our three small grandchildren. I tried to get him to apologize to them n he said they were his grandchildren and he beat my step grandson. However he apologized to his adult daughter for that. Not the same thing. No apology. Then I picked a fight with him about it and was called a whore. It’s the mind of a child. they have all obviously Ben raised by wolves to get to this terrible condition. I wish you peace.

  5. what can i say….. i have just realised as of this evening that this is what i couldnt put my finger on. im sitting here as i type with a black eye, i have literally just got away from a relationship with a narcissistic man. Thats the first time Iv ever said that. i cant tell you how much reading this thread has shown me, and started to change those residual feelings i have been having. Iv been leaving on and off for 2 years out of our 2 and half year relationship. I kept on being drawn back in, I finally left just days ago after he was particularly violent. Reading your posts and advice has switched on so many lightbulbs for me. I didnt know this man at all. I do know, more than I could have ever imagined, I have finally found acceptance to what it really was. I have questions for myself, why when I knew it was bad did I keep going back. He had me in such a place that he broke me down with insults about so many parts of me, then “built” me back up with fake emotion. thats exactly how its transpired. Always only ever concerned with talking about him self, lack of empathy, lack of intimacy , Iv often described him as having no conscience, he never could see what he had done that harmed me, there was unfaithfulness, but of course that was my fault as he said, i know it wasnt. I had been seeking something, trying to find out what went wrong, trying to fix it thinking he would change and i was the problem, i went through all these emotions and for the first time since i met him , today, I FEEL FREE. I see it for what it is, i see him for what he is, and he doesnt even see it himself. My goodness, i had never heard of narcissistic abuse until tonight, the word came on the computer as i was trying to research some kind of victim therapy for myself. Thankyou so much for this. You will know how i feel r ight now :) the penny has finally dropped!!!!! I need to be brave, be strong and be kind to myself now. I need to keep reminding myself… he did not love me, and i dont want to love anyone who wishes to hurt me. I love myself now.

    • It is indeed liberating to understand. I know I speak for all here who wish you good luck on your journey moving forward. And if you have moments of doubt or fear, don’t worry. This is normal as part of the process of moving on. You are on amazing path now. Enjoy! And indeed, you are right to be kind to yourself – you deserve it. Best, Ann

    • Good for you Evonne and you know what they say, “Free your mind and the rest will follow.” Once you gained the knowledge and realized what you were dealing with, it’s almost like that knowledge is a key that unlocks YOUR power and it is hard to go backwards and go back to an abuser once you have that power.

  6. Yes, my dear sisters I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Although I had a relationship with a man who was charismatic, overly kind and attentive at the onset of our relationship I felt in my heart something wasn’t right with him.
    Every time I had a slight disappointment in him or stated that something he did bothered me I was met with anger, (almost full blown rage). He went from 0 – 60 in seconds coupled with the “turning around” of the responsibility to be MY fault . Then would come the statement that maybe he should be with someone else and I was wearing on his love for me…He would pack his bags to leave (knowing full well what reaction he would get). Not call or communicate for weeks then send me a text to say how happy he is that I have found “my happiness” and that he will always love me?
    Let me just say that I am in therapy for PTSD for the past 3 years. I care about myself. Although its not easy to understand the kicked dog syndrome, I never made my happiness his responsibility. But every time I created a confrontation with him for something small and slight I was told I was having an episode and that issues between us were caused by me, and me alone. There were the half truths that he would state about his life. I always felt that something was being hidden from me.
    Let me say that not only had this man had narcissistic tendencies he was a passive-agressive. Look up studies done on this disorder… it seems to walk hand in hand with narcissism. The blame, the attacks on my character and the rejection were all reactions to his fear of losing control over me. This is not a healthy man. In fact, he is not a man at all. He is a defiant teenager and HE IS AN IMPOSTER. He lies to himself and will continue to lie to himself. He will always be justified to treat you badly because he knows your weaknesses and he can pin-point exactly what you did to make him miserable. These men should be in therapy and anything short of that will be fruitless. They will not look at themselves!
    Keep heart. You know your intentions were pure and go on ahead (no matter how empty or lonely for what you thought you had with this man). Life will get better. One step at a time. AND GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK! You survived an abusive man.

    • I can completely relate. My heart is in my stomach (hence the name) because of how he treats me and because I’m trying to figure out what me and the children are going to do. Since none of us are perfect I was blaming myself (still am kind of) and was so confused at what was happening (still am kind of). Oh why?? It hurts so bad.

  7. Hi: I am still married at this time but am in the middle of a divorce. My lawyer seems to be doing nothing. I’m not sure what he is waiting for. I left our home and my x claims abandonment. There are no children involved, they are grown. This makes the second time I have left x. During our marriage he told me he should get a vasectomy. I had had a tubal legation many years before. Two weeks after I left him he got his vasectomy. All the while he was trying to get back together with me. In the first year of our marriage he slept with my younger sister. He has always denied that. I actually saw that for myself. Now that we are ending our life together, he finally admits it but says he has been faithful through all the rest of the years. I went through the doormat thing or kicked dog thing my entire marriage. I guess you just keep thinking that there must be a way to fix it and you keep trying. My past mistake is now trying to convince everyone that I am half crazy. I’ve been walked on, lied to, cheated on and treated like dirt. Some days I feel very good about what I finally had enough courage to do. Other days I cry. Especially today. My daughter called and told me that my daughter in law fixes my husband up with women now. Somehow I still feel cheated. I was never anything that he considered good. In front of family I was (per him) wonderful. Alone when no one was around he would come up to me and whisper in my ear, YOU WEREN’T A GOOD HOSTESS. Or during love making he would tell me that I was better than nothing. Now the issue is that when it comes to the splitting of assets, he believes I deserve 1/8th. I am and always have been very hard working. He has been since he became a boss at a mine site. Sometimes I feel devestated. My family was my life. I am picking up the pieces. I am starting over. I never want him back. The emptiness seems very big. Thanks for listening

    • Hi,

      The road is bumpy that’s for sure. But it leads out of where you don’t want to be and to new journeys. You can’t get some place new if you don’t leave the old behind. When you feel like crying make a list of all the bad he has done to you and paste it where you can see it. When it has done its job, take it down. Do some research online as to your rights in divorce. Also, tell your lawyer you need some questions answered. Be specific, direct and cut to the chase when you talk to your lawyer. If you learn your state code you can better use the legal system to get what is yours. You will be ok – it takes time and remember to be gentle to yourself. Ann

  8. This is amazing! Thank you all so much for your stories. I have been married to a man for 30 years. We have five children together and all that time I was married to a man who is a raging Narcissist but never knew it. The emotional abuse that I sustained from this relationship has had such an immense affect on my complete being. All the time I was married, this man subtlety managed to sabotage my self esteem and self worth. I was constantly being blamed for all of our relationship problems. My whole life was nothing but frustration and confusion. Frustration because I could never ever reach this man. I would be at his feet begging for him to understand how he was making me feel. Confusion because he always said it was my fault. I even went so far as to hit and punch myself in front of him due to the frustration, all the while he would just look at me with this pathetic look on his face. If he loved me, he would never had allowed me to feel this way. He never showed any empathy, only arrogance. I thought I was at fault. Something must be wrong with me. Then I was doing some research and came upon other stories and it hit me. Through these other people’s stories I found my own. Everything I was reading was as if I had written those words myself. Then I discovered that the way my husband treats me actually has a name. Narcissistic Personality disorder traits described him to a T. Every thing stated was exactly how I experienced it. Now I know it’s not me….it’s him and what a burden being lifted off my shoulders when I read that. I have moved out and am now seeking a divorce. Thank you all for your words of inspiration and stories. I’m so happy to know that there are others out there who have suffered like I have. Meaning, I am not alone. Thanks again and I wish you all the best.

  9. Hi: My husband is so how did fighter say it….juvenille. Although he is a very selfish being, I believe that he is a psychopath. He mimics everything I say and then makes it into some kind of nothing and then makes fun of my feelings in a subliminal way. In the past I had surgery for cancer. He got angry with me for groaning about the pain I experienced when the IV was placed in my hand. The nurse was approximately 23 years old. As soon as she left the room, he told me I had hurt her feeling. I decided not to have any words with him. I had much to deal with already. Surgery was for cancer. His lack of feelings for me only signaled to me that he no longer loved me. Another incident was when he was trying to initiate sex, I asked him why he would want sex with someone whos breasts he was always complaining about. (too big) He smiled and continued what he was doing and said I was better than nothing. He says he did not do these things. There have been many other extremely wrong communication comming from him. I do not communicate with my x but my daughter calls and during the conversations, she tells me some little things about Dad. The family thinks that he may be experiencing male menopause because per him he was out at bar dancing. He says he walked up to this 23 year old girl and told her that she had the best looking tits in the whole room. I felt like that was a direct blow to me. I told my daughter that I very much doubt that it ever happened. I felt like he was throwing hurts long distance. But the more I read about these weirdos, I guess that it is possible he did do that. What a pick up line. I knew that he was scum when I left. I’m doing better today. Can you tell me the difference between a psychopath and a narrcissist? It seems to me he is both. My daughter is seeing changes in his personality since I’ve left. They sometimes frighten her. He tells her that I am a disease a cancer and he just wants to be rid of me. Also he talks continuously in a very low voice, per my daughter, spewing poison. His voice goes up and down and he isn’t really talking to her. We have a picture of our grandson when he was around 6 hanging on the wall. He told our daughter that she should take it because when he starts a life with someone else she probably isn’t gonna want that kind of stuff around. How strange, it is his family, not his xwife. What a messed up life I have had. Why does it take so long for some of us to realize that things are just not what they should be? Thank you.

    • Hi –

      There may be very little difference that you see in behavior between a narcissist and a psychopath. Their characteristics and behavior overlap a lot. The media like to fuel the difference as a psychopath being a murderer or torturer as in Silence of the Lambs. Most psychopaths do not commit such acts – though those acts usually are committed by one. Psychopaths have no conscience and do not understand the difference between right and wrong. A narcissist does, but may not care. In the end, you just need to get away from both and their destructive behavior. You can spend a lot of time looking up the differences online and you’ll find a number of differing ways of approaching this question. You will be devalued and demeaned by both and feel just as bad with one as another. Narcissism is a part of being a psychopath but not all narcissists are psychopaths. In the end, you may not want to diagnose for friends and family because they think you may not know what you are doing. Calling him “An abusive jerk who began demeaning me both publicly and privately.” is usually universally understood and will do you better than a psychiatric label. To your last question: many women are culturally bound to be understanding, empathetic, nurturing, good mates and we make excuses for bad behavior. It takes as long as it takes but when we wake up and see, it’s time to go. The door is there – we need to open it. Easier said than done at times, I understand. Find support if you can and use it for recovery. Thanks for writing and best on your journey forward. Ann

      • This is all so refreshing to read-to know your not the only one trying to make sense of the person you thought loved you, but eventually ‘clicking’ that he’s not capable of that emotoin or many others.
        My on an off partner of the last 1 0 years fits all the boxes of a narcissist. We bought a house together 3 years ago and things have continually deteriorated.,after moving in together for the second time.
        Luckily my teenage daughter is in a flat downstairs and doesn’t witness most of the abuse, although she started receiving it too recently eg you have no friends.
        After I came out of hospital this year he gave me 3 weeks of ok behaviour, then 3 weeks of constant verbale abuse. My daughter called the police after listening to only one night of it. the threat of the police now works a little., to stop it.
        I hear such things as “your mentally ill” screamed at me ( Ispent 3 weeks in hospital with depression the last time we lived together)- putting me down for this; no compassion at all, just amunition. ” noo one loves you”; your kids hate you etc.
        Just recently I realized something’s not right mentally with him. Lack of empathy and remorse, and no understanding or care about the pain his words can inflict.
        He’s told me he has slept with another women then says it was just to upset me.;and much more.
        He has hit me once so that I had to take time off work due to bruises. He says this is because I poured his beer on his head and he will do it again if I pour beer on him. I did that after one hour of screaming that my whole family is mentally ill. (my son has schizophrenia).Is physical violence common with these people?
        He wont go anywhere with me, and doesn’t seem to understand he needs to mix with my family sometimes.He has been married 3 times; finally I know why. How stupid for me to think this would work. .
        \

  10. My Narcissitic husband left me after 24 years of marriage and I believe he has done me a favor even though I am still mourning the loss of the relationship. I had financial security with him, but nothing else. He rarely showed any kind of love or respect for me. Life was always about him and I needed to constantly praise and support him on a daily basis. He finally found a religious group that gave him all the support and love that he wished for and he ran with them. They are very cultist and encouraged him to begin a “new life” without his wife and children. The kids are young adults and they no longer want anything to do with their father. He was never able to bond with them, only criticized them and put them down. So, I am now in the divorce process and the only way to even the score with him is to get all the money I can possible get to survive life on my own. I gave up everything when I married him, my job, my family to move out of state and devote my life to him and raising kids. Now, I must find a job and learn to stand on my own 2 feet after he kept me dependent on him for some many years. He now has a new woman who makes him feel alive. He said he died in our marriage and he had to choose to either live or die. To return to me would mean death to him. Such painful words that hurt. I know I must move on, he never gave me the love I deserved.

    • Very interesting about the cult. There are a number of arenas that narcissists are attracted to – religion is one of them. The law is another. Both allow them to hide and use power from the institution itself to control, demean, and make themselves feel “better than”. Seeing your husband as having done you a favor is an excellent way to think about things. He certainly seems to have done so in your case. Best to you as you move forward, Ann

  11. All of these stories hit me. I left my Narc-Ex over 2 yrs. ago and still feeling the “sting” of his wrath. It destroys you, silently, slowly and painfully. In a matter of days after I left, I had a full blown nervous breakdown, only after to realize I had been suffering Bi-polar 1 Disorder. It took me by surprise after all these years, my Dr. said he brought it on. The constant complaining, the odd and mean comments, the destruction of it all. I lost everything, home, finances and even our grown child.
    I do not regret leaving, I just want my child back in my life….(I had a psychotic/mental/emotional breakdown) – My Ex, never did anything wrong!

  12. What about the women that are afflicted with this emotional flaw. It can also be just as bad for the man if not worse . C’mon here stop the hating and be balanced/fair if you can.

    • Tommy, if men write in with stories, they are posted. I can only show what comes in. This isn’t hate. This is doing the only thing possible. If you read my book or newsletters you will find I have discussed the gender issues and have given equal time to men to present their stories. If men present stories of abuse from women, is that hate? Or only women who present stories of abuse from men? You might want to take a look at my website on Narcissistic Women

      Thanks for writing and please feel free to share your story. Happy to have more data points from men. Best, Ann

  13. I believe that my soon to be ex is a Narc. He goes out for work until late at night and when I ask him what he did he tells me hanging out with people. According to him it is my problem that I am upset. I cry and he shows no empathy. He tells me I have no friends and am destined to never be happy. He calls me a nerd and says he wouldn’t even kiss my face (we are 34).

    When I said I didn’t feel important and cried that I wanted a partner – someone who would be there if I had an accident – he told me I needed to get an emergency necklace and good insurance, not rely on him. He tells me it is “his life” and what he does is his choice.

    We were hanging out one night. I was sick and he was taking care of me. He suddenly left with no bye or explanation. 20 minutes in I called, no answer. I text, nothing. He’s gone for two and a half hours. When he comes back I am really upset. He tells me he picked up a girl that we know from the airport and I should be happy he’s home now. I was crazy and other women would be fine with that. He didn’t talk to me for 3days ( very normal if I voiced that my feelings were being hurt), I spent 2days trying to get him to talk to me after this. Thinking it was my fault, I spent the next day picking his perfect birthday gift. He left me four months ago because after not being able to get through to him I locked him out (not mature) because he had been out late all week and refused to tell me anything. It was about 15 minutes. He left me a few days later and continually reminds me that there is something wrong with me and I need to live with the unforgivable thing that I have done. The constant guilt of all my wrong doings, not having any friends (I don’t have a ton but all are friends of more than 20 years) and felling like I am just an unhappy person still plagues me.

  14. I am still married to a man I believe to have NPD. Every argument is the same (I am always upset and I don’t realize how good I have it) every emotion I share is met with laughter or an attack. I feel crazy because I live this way and I am constantly being told by him that I have it so good yet all of our friends tell me how frustrated they are with the way he treats me. I have been told that I should be happy he picked me yet all I feel is sorrow and confusion. I am always to blame and I am the one who needs therapy. The worst part is that I have 3 young children and now I am stuck between letting them witness this for the next 16 years or making them go through a divorce. This site makes me feel sad when I identify with so many stories yet gives me some hope….there is no better feeling than knowing you are not the crazy one.

  15. I read these posts and I cry. I lived with my npd wife for fourteen years. It was a never ending vicious circle of fear, rage and so much worse. 2 years ago I was told I had incurable cancer. She walked out took the kids and told every one that i was crazy. My teenage daughter ran away from her and begged to stay with me. The next day she had the cops drag her out of the house screaming and crying to stay. It took me eighteen months to get into court and free my daughter. At the same time I underwent multiple surgeries and chemo. Some months ago I heard of a new drug that offers me a lifeline of hope. When she heard about it she telephoned me and said ‘you deserve to be alone, every one hates you, I hope you die soon’. The perfect narcissist strikes again. All narcissists are very bad people, I never used to believe in evil, I do now.

    • Martin, you have empathy and love and what a wonderful way to live a life. I am so happy you have the lifeline of hope because the world needs you around for a while longer. Put a teflon suit on and let her frightful words bounce off. I do that to the narcissists in my life so I can go on, unburdened by their disease. Live well, and long and thrive..Thanks for writing. Ann

    • I so can relate on your situation!!! I’ve been dating someone for almost 8 years. Every since I was diagnosed with cancer we became distant. We had some issues prior to my diagnosis and this didn’t help things.

      He came to my house 1 night and we were going to bed. I caught him on his phone and called him out on it. He became defensive immediately and said he was leaving he didn’t need to take my crap! As I was seeing him out the door, he said… “good luck with your cancer.. If not I HOPE YOU DIE!!!” What kind of person hopes you die knowing you have cancer!!!

      We didn’t talk obviously, but he kept with the text. “I love you”, “you know I didn’t mean it”, “you piss me off and I say things I don’t mean”! My fault!? Lol

      He called me 3 weeks ago just before vday wanting a pot of his… Then he dropped the bomb. ” I’ve been talking to someone “. Really? I’m not stupid!!! More than talking going on! We have been NC since then.

      I did everything for this man when he had no drivers license and hurt his back!! Took him everywhere when his so called “friends” wouldn’t do a Damn thing for him!!!
      He is all about his friends and having fun!!! Can’t sit still! My cancer slowed things down.

  16. Hi there,
    I wanted to mention an amazing author/psychologist by the name of George K Simon. I have read everything under the sun in an attempt to understand the behavior of people with NPD (my story is similar to the ones posted here). Dr. Simon’s books have helped me make more sense of it than anything else I’ve read. He gives a whole new construct to the condition(s) of which we speak here.

    It also describes how to interact with these folks (and when not to interact). Since the readers here are already well-versed in the basics of NPD, I would suggest his 2nd book, Character Disturbance. It is amazing to see all the tactics clearly labeled and described. For example, “villianizing the victim”. This is when you are made out to be the bad guy when of course it was him/her. Or “Leveling”. This is when a person with NPD or some form of character disturbance casts him/herself as someone on your level character-wise, or professionally, or other. For example the character disturbed individual will walk into the therapist’s office and immediately call the therapist by his/first name. This levels the playing field for the individual when of course the therapist is the authority in the situation!

    There are 26 tactics he points out. It is amazingly helpful to give the behavior some meaningful language. Plus he nails every aspect of these folks perfectly- from the way they think, to the different varieties of aggressive/character disturbed personalities (ie Channeled aggressive; Passive aggressive). It is incredibly powerful stuff!

  17. I am in the process of a divorce from what I now realize is, a Narcissisist man. We share a child with whom he’s trying to gain more custody time with. It’s been 2 years since I filed. That was the night I was knocked down so hard, my leg snapped. Shredding my ACL (ligament in my knee) He tried to convince me at that time it was my fault. Unbelievable.

    Harder for me to understand still, why I considered taking him back. In the 2 years of separation, my personal belongings have been damaged, (although he wouldn’t admit it) all because I believe I wouldn’t give up my dowry rights to the marital home. (He continually pressured me) Wow! He thinks he so much smarter than everyone, including the law. However my day in court will expose this fraudster. Documented proof , lying on his disclosure.

    I paid the price when his contradictions were revealed by my questions, behind ‘closed doors’. Now a court of law can deal with his consequences. Revenge? No. I only feel sad for him. There’s got to be no greater anguish then living a life without a soul.

  18. My husband was a spoiled only child, with a very self-centered mother. I have survived being married to him for 21 years. I am used to never getting my way, I am used to having to be his mother. I am used to being his constant cheerleader and encourager while he puts me down. He is very religious, always wants to “be right”. I am used to being the mother in the relationship. I am used to letting go of everything I want to try to keep him happy. He lies and lies and lies to me. The councillor told me to “make it safe for him to tell the truth.” Really? MY FAULT?????
    I try to cry, try to yell and scream and tell him how I feel- he has NO COMPASSION! He manipulates everyone to get his way. He puts people down to get his way!
    He is a chameleon, and completely changes into whoever he is with.
    I am now so physically sick! I have been weak and dizzy, with a racing heart for a year! I think it is the stress of HIM! He is a twelve year old stuck in a 43 year old man’s body. Everyone thinks he is great because he is charming and personable in public. But he is mean, grumpy and selfish at home. He wants complete control of everything!! Our money, our meals. EVERYTHING!
    I feel like I can’t live like this anymore! I asked him to leave but he won’t!! He is into porn, won’t touch me- but wants to live here “as friends.”
    I won’t leave because we still have 2 kids at home, 16 and 18. I wish we could make our marriage work, but I have tried and tried and worked and worked for the both of us!!! What do I do? Is there hope to fix this?

    • Hi – Sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if you have done all that can be done and it may be time to accept that he cannot change. You must concentrate on nurturing yourself now. You haven’t taken care of you in all this and that’s obvious with the illness and anxiety. Not good!

      Please take a look at some relevant books such as this one: Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On

      I think you will find you are not alone, many have walked this path before you and there really are escape hatches. Once you know how to unlock them, you can use them. You can take your time and plan your exit. The planning stage should be done once you understand the emotional aspects of why you hurt so. Make sure you regain strength before you do anything. Use this time for healing and hope. You can finish raising the kids more peacefully and at the same time, carefully, silently plan a new life for yourself.

      No one should be abused. And there is no other way of describing what is happening with you. The porn use will probably escalate – this has become a huge problem recently with many men – and the result is increased emotional distancing. You deserve more. Best, Ann

      • Thank you Ann! You have made me feel more at peace! I agree- I need to use this time of illness to REST and wait, regain my strength, focus on me for awhile! Focus on my healing. Thank you for understanding that I am not ready to leave yet- I won’t do that to my kids! I know all the sacrifices were worth it when I look at my kids-they are wonderful, responsible, well adjusted, caring and compassionate, (almost) adults. Thank you for understanding that.
        I now have hope for my future! I used to absolutely dread when the kids move out, but now I can see a bright future for me- I will be able to LIVE!
        Christine

  19. After much thought I have decided to give my husband one more chance! If I am chosing to stay with him for at least two years anyway, I might as well at least try. Let me rephrase that!!! I WILL NOT TRY! I WILL NOT WORK! I WILL NOT FIX THINGS!!! I have done all I can do! He has one more chance in my heart for HIM to try! He has vowed to stay off the computer, and I have set a password on it. I have to log him in for any banking or whatever he needs to do- I stay right there with him! He has gone to see a man at a conciling center, and he has agreed to be mentored there. I am CHOSING to change me!! I am going to STAND UP FOR MYSELF!!! I am going to focus on me! I am going to forgive him for ME! For my peace! I am going to care for myself, and he can be a big boy and care for himself! I WILL STOP BEING HIS MOTHER! I will insist on his sexual purity! I will take care of me, and he needs to work on himself! I will let him work to try to better our marriage IF HE WANTS TO! But I will not put a banaid on it, or try to fix it. Wish me all the best!

    • I hear you! Some journeys are worth fixing and it sounds like you want to do so on this one. I think deciding not to be his fixer and enabler is good. Finding a way to building emotional intimacy can take many paths and I think that is really the goal: to regain or reignite the emotional intimacy you once had. There are some websites and blogs specifically dedicated to that – some are on psychologytoday website – you might want to check there. Look around and see what you can find. Again, you are not alone…people do rebuild and have good lives with current partner. The ball is in your court – you decide – and enjoy the ride, wherever it takes you. Best, Ann

  20. I was in an extremely abusive marriage to a narcissistic man for 11 years. I finally was able to safely leave,after a night of rape and torture.I had no idea as to what was wrong with my ex then, or to put a name to it. it was years later when i heard what the term meant…and i knew right then what was wrong with him. there is no way i can describe my marriage to anyone. i would not call it a marriage, except for the fact i really tried to make something of it. I was always being blamed for everything that happened, even when it was clear that i had nothing to do with it at all…that never mattered though.He also had this thing about wanting me to be submissive to him. he was so controlling. He handled the money, buying groceries,paying the bills and all the business it was. The thing was, he was a big bum. never wanted to work. he couldn’t ever keep a job over a week or two. it was always someones fault when he would quit or get fired. I remember an incident at a laundry mat, i forgot to bring something of his to wash and he went crazy mad and violent on me, in front of many people, humiliated me to tears. That was in the beginning though. I later came to get angry with him and realize he was crazy, it was not me! I was always on egg shells. we were always being evicted from our houses, electric shut off, water shut off, none of that mattered to him. what mattered to him was that he was in charge of me and told me what to do. He was the boss of me.I lost all my friends and my family was kept a distance from me. we moved away so i couldn’t see my family much. we were very poor, no car, on the system for food and whatever else we could get..and he liked it like that. he started to force things on me that were not right for anyone to have to go through. I started to hate him more and more each day. it finally all came to a head one day, after a terrible night. We had left his siters house, to go back to our place to get our belongings to move in with her. We were being evicted again. When we got to our place, i said i am not going back with you. i told him it was over, no more would i put up with. i had enough of him and this so called life. That was 11 years after we got together. I took one helluva beating that day, screamed and cursed like a dog. I didn’t break. I keep my promise i had made myself the night before, after what he done to me. My neighbors heard me screaming from next door and came outside. he had told me that he was going to put me in the trunk of his sisters car he had borrowed and take me back there. I told myself, I’ll die first before i will let that happen. I guess he thought that someone had called the police, so he left. sure enough, the police showed up and i told them he had left. i managed to finally have to strength to leave him, after all those years of abuse. i had been told that nobody wanted me or would ever love me, that i was a slut, and everything else to say to break me down. I had heard it all before,i was not going to continue to keep on hearing it, why? Why would i want to live like that anymore? I didn’t ever want to live like that to begin with, i sure wasn’t gonna continue to put up with it.About 3 months ago, i get a call. it was my ex husbands wife. She called me to tell me something about my son. my ex was in the background, yelling at the top of his lungs, the most awful things in the world, nothing had changed. He had just gotten older. This same woman who called me, she used to run around with my then husband and had a long affair with him for many years while we were married. I am not mad at her, i feel kinda sorry for her, being that weak. She has now been with him longer than i was with him. I heard him talk to her terrible on the phone that day also. I also know they had just been evicted from their place, cause he still doesn’t pay his bills, no surprise there! So, they don’t get better, they get worse. There is no cure for this, except to stay away or leave them if involved with them. it takes courage to leave, especially with children involved and years of being put down.

  21. I am currently in a relationship that sounds just like what you all are describing. If I described everything you would probably think I was crazy for staying.

    I met him shortly out of a 4 year relationship and he was the best person to be around. I fell in love with him right away. Then he would blow up out of nowhere over things that weren’t even worth it. He started playing major mind games and I was just thinking in my head that I need to get away from this guy because it is already too much. Then I found out I was pregnant. Since then I’ve been through war.

    Everything is an argument. He tells me every 30 minutes out of the hour that we spend time together that everything I say and do is wrong. He tells me that I’m stupid, fat, a bad mother, anything he can to tear me apart. He never says sorry afterwards just acts like nothing’s wrong or happened and is just very nice. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. I have stayed because I really wanted my daughter to have a family and not two separate homes. He’s always mean to me but is nice to her so I stayed but now I see him being back and forth with her and I can see her try to make up to him. She’s only two and I don’t want her to think that the way he is is how she is supposed to be treated. He just hides out and won’t help with anything except tell me that everything I do is wrong. It effects me at work because I can’t concentrate and it effects my mood at home and you can feel the tension. I know it is now effecting my daughter by seeing us fight all the time.

    My self confidence is nonexistant now. I am constantly walking on egg shells and rethinking everything I do. He tells me that he will get full custody if I leave (even though I do everything and he just plays with her every once and a while) and that I’m replacable and he can find a different mother for her and she wouldn’t care. I started looking for condos in secret and am planning on leaving. I don’t think I can take it anymore and want out so my daughter can have a normal life. I am so scared of a custody battle. I really can’t afford a lawyer and I’ve never been away from her before for even a night. This site was really helpful to know that I’m not alone and am not crazy. Thanks for letting me vent.

    • Please get a support team in place to help you with the custody issues. Spend a lot of time researching and planning – but be sure and erase history on computer if he uses it too. If he is planning on challenging custody see what you can do ahead of time. Get some interviews with family law attorneys – many will give you a free 15 to 30 minute session. Learn your state family code. Go to the library, but also find helpers. There is help, find it, but do it quietly. Best to you and your daughter. Ann

  22. I am a mother of two with Aspergers a high functioning type of autism, the man i am still living with conned me big time. I am in debt and jobless because of the stress he caused. I had Narcolepsy since 12 and rarely got symptoms until him. I had massive episodes of the illness. I had gotten boils all over very painful and severe Asthma attacks till I could not anymore. I am numb now and am looking for work.

    I also grew up with Aspergers but have adapted well enough to suspend the diagnosis. I am a believer in God and my faith has kept me sane. I even got my esteem back to the fullest!! But we still live together and I am the one this time that decided to refrain from affection and contact because that was always his punishment. Prolonged Silent treatments are abusive. I recognize it.

    We still live together because its pretty much just me now. My family didn’t understand and were not supportive with my two boys so i stayed alone with them. I am hoping to find a job and eventually a roomate but for now it stinks that I must witness such an Ego as his. He does not get along with my oldest since he cannot manipulate him, I have eyes and ears open and do not leave him with my youngest who loves him for too long. He knows I am not the one to allow him to go that far believe me. He gets scared when i raise my tone if i suspect he is trying to manipulate my child. So now I go out as I please and do as I please, Ive made new friends and its exactly what he does. I treat him the way he treats me. I play his game because for now I have to survive as my rent is way too high for me to pay alone. UGH!!! its been like this for five months now!! I have faith though. I will not let it go!!

  23. Did u ever speak to your sister again? I just had a baby with a narc 5 months ago and when she was 4 weeks old he threw us n my son from my first marriage out into the street. A week later he moved in n is still living with my sister. They went to the Bahamas n he pays her bills n takes care of her 2 kids (my niece n nephew). He doesn’t do anything for our daughter n I refuse to let him see her cuz he wants to take her to their house. We are now in a custody battle. I’m sick over all this n feel so stuck. Not only have I been hurt by him but also my own sister. Idk how to move on…

  24. I’m married to a narcissist and bully. We have 3 great kids together who now hate their dad. We are so tired of walking on eggshells around him and the kids are begging me to leave him. I decided to stay home to raise the kids even though I have a degree and had a great career. I’ve never regretted that decision but it has me scared that when I leave him, I’ll have no financial safety net. He requires that we have sex every day and if I say no then he pouts or pitches a fit, yes even during my period!
    I know he’s not going to change and I want out so that I and my children have a chance for a happy life. I’ve talked to an attorney already and she’s advised me on my legal rights in our state and the procedure for filing. I’m already going to therapy to get my head around this so that I never make this mistake again.
    We fight pretty regularly so I’m pretty sure he knows that things aren’t going well but I don’t want to blind side him with this so I guess I’m asking how do I get him and me ready for a divorce? How do I bear the brunt of his explosion when I do tell him? How did yall handle them when you did it? HELP!

  25. Face the fear and do it anyway. It’s a good maxim to live by generally but especially in an abusive marriage.

    I lived 30 years with one, had a child with him and found out he was having an affair with a ‘friend’ when I was ill and came close to death. In my 60s now and had to sell the family home and my business and the financial future is uncertain but with the love of family and friends I am in a better place although it has taken 5 long years.

    Don’t let this person and situation change who you are and strive to be, don’t lose your trust in the world and the future. I hope you can still your fear and overcome the challenges that undoubtedly lie ahead because we and our families deserve better. By facing our fear and finding the courage we act as an inspiration to our children to face life challenges. That is our inspiration and privilege as good parents.

  26. I woke up this morning with the word NARCISSISTIC. Looked it up on the computer and here I am.

    I’ve been married to one for 20 years to my dismay.How did this happen and last for so long? The first week of Dec.,2012 I had a heart attack,was diagnosed after a second blood test taken a few hours after. I stayed in the hospital 1 week,given a month and a half off of work,given all kinds of heart medication and my husband has told all our friends,family ,church friends that all I had was a little sickness that in fact it was not a heart attack.

    He always demeans everything I say,feel or do. While at the hospital I received nothing from him ,not a card ,flower or caring thought. In fact the first day from the hospital he wanted SEX,didnt even think of the condition I was in. The first 3 days back from the hospital my heart rate was so low below normal readings I was afraid when I went to sleep I would not awaken.

    Lately he has videotaped himself on his cell phone and he watches those clips over and over as if he’s watching some great artist. He degrades anything you say ,feel or do,its never enough,he always wants to be the center of attention,and craves everyones compliments.

    He’s beligerent,rude,disrespectful,…………………etc , a pure NARCISSIST. I’ll stop here because I could write a book, but that wouldn’t be any good because he’d be the center page of all this attention LOL. I’ve gotten wise to his personality now and only do what suits me, and think of a proper response that will stun him. If I could I would leave him in a hot minute, but circumstances being (heart attack,money……) but it’s getting close.

    I think sometimes he’s met his match whit wise , I’ve learnt to stick up for myself . JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE !!!! To everyone out there in our shoes stay strong ,reach out ,don’t let thier insaneness drive you insane. Blessings

  27. As I sit here and read these posts, I can’t help the tears streaming down my face. I have never put a name to the emotional abuse that I receive from my husband until now. Each and every post I read is as if you are all describing my life.

    I chalked up my husbands lack of empathy and no conscience of the pain he inflicted to his raising and have made excuse after excuse for his behavior. But now I am convinced that I am in love and married to a Narcissist and I feel hopeless. I have let this man dictate my life to a point that I’m not sure I can ever leave.

    I am in an unusual situation and have children from a previous marriage and now pregnant with my husband’s child. I’m scared! I’ve asked him to seek help – to join me in counseling and he is at least considering it. Is there hope? Can a narcissist be healed?

    I have been in this for 8 years and I used to believe the good days we had outweighed the bad. But that is no longer the case. The put downs, the name calling. We argue everyday. I feel worthless in his presence and can never do enough or do anything right. I am blamed for everything and if I get the rare occasion to actually prove that I wasn’t wrong, somehow it is still my fault.

    He never apologizes for anything and if he ever admits that he was wrong about something, he makes me feel guilty for being right. I receive days of the silent treatment and he says it’s my job to pull him out of it. I am the one to give everything and get nothing in return. He thinks his job and support is all he needs to give and I should be grateful to get it. When he blows up he attacks in the most horrible way and says things I will never get out of my head, then all of a sudden he hits the reset button and acts like nothing happened and everything is fine. Tells me I have to learn to deal with it and ignore it. That he doesn’t mean it when he’s mad, until the next blow up and it’s the same thing all over again. I’m so lost right now.

    I have given him an ultimatum about therapy and pray he acccepts. I’ve been telling him for years that he needs help and he thinks that I say it just to put him down. But I finally got other family members on board to confront him on the way he treats them as well and I think it’s slowly setting in that just maybe I am right and he needs to seek help. I am skeptical that this will do any good. Other sites state that narcissism cannot be cured. But I get stronger every day and I don’t bow to his every whim. I return the silent treatments. I don’t beg for his forgiveness. I stand up when I believe I am right and I tell myself everyday that I am a wonderful person and mom and will not allow him to make me believe I am the person he perceives me to be. I’m grateful I found this site, and all you wonderful people on it that relate to our situations.

    • Hi Kerry,

      You’ve come a long way in understanding your spouse. Your finding of your strength is necessary to stop the devaluation process he started within you. He understands how strong you are and puts you down to elevate himself which somehow helps fill the emptiness inside him. It sounds like you are using some form of behavior modification which will at least temporarily modify his behavior so your life is less miserable. Will it cure him? Probably not, but until you make some life decisions (and you can and should take your time on this one), your progress and behavior can only benefit you and the kids. Thanks so much for sharing with us. Best, Ann

  28. I hadnt realized I was married to a narcassist until I came upon this site, we have since divorce in 2003 when he went to prison for long enough time for me to move and file but it was hell until then.

    He was the great guy to everyone else, everyone liked him but he was evil at home. Nothing was good enough for him, he cheated constantly but said he loved me in the same breath, he was verbally, physically and mentally abusive, I now have PTSD from everything he put me thru. He drove me to work and home, would not let me close the door when I dressed or showered, timed me when I went anywhere. No friends, would not let me see my family, held knives to my throat and guns to my head. Just crazy stuff, one day he would buy me flowers and be so nice and the next minute he was mean and belittle me again or hitting me. It was hell and I would not wish that on anyone ever. He had me followed when he was in prison to keep an eye on me, and when he got out and found where I lived he followed me too. Even after we divorced he followed and took pictures of me and told me if I was ever with another man he would dig a hole and stand me next to it, shoot me in the head and shove me in the hole then shoot himself so he would fall in on top of me. Together forever he used to say. To this day and its been 10yrs I still feel like people are watching me, I jump at sounds and if I see a car that has been behind me for any length of time I panic. I truely hate that man. I never understood how everyone loved him so much, the women adored him and the men thought he was the best guy but they never seen the real him behind closed doors. Devil in disquise

  29. I am reading the comments posted and wonder if my husband is a narc . He lacks empathy when I am ill and tells me I am unapproachable. I fell of my bike two years ago. I broke my leg ,I had two compressed fractures and dislocated ankle. I then had an infection. He seemed angry when I returned home and never offered help. In fact he went to the theatre and came home late as he went listening to Nighjtar calls with his friend. I could not manage the crutches well and I was in a state when he came home as I needed a drink. I was upset and asked him why he was angry with me he told me I was unapproachable. My daughter rang him the next day as he told her he didn`t need to be there as I could, “Get water from the bathroom tap”.
    I passed the computer one day and saw a picture of a woman he plays table tennis with .She had sent him a request from Badoo (a flirting and dating site) I asked if he was having an affair and he said, he wasn`t answering that. I asked him to tell her that he wasn`t interested and he refused to do so. When I became frustrated he told me to leave. I started to take my things (The house is his)so unplugged my computer and started to pack. I also have a lap- top but he happens to use my desk computer. He thrust me away and took my laptop .he then placed it on the carpet and started stamping on it. When it cracked he said, “There, that should do it”. I left in a frightened state. He never contacted me in a week but then I had a call saying he wanted me home.I asked him why he smashed the lap-top and he replied, I had hurt him by stopping him from using my computer so he hurt me by smashing mine”. He still says he was justified.
    If I question the marriage, I am being confrontational. I gently tell him what is wrong and I am verbally abusive. I am ill and I am unapproachable.I once said, He treats the dog better than me .His reply,”The dog behaves it self.”. I ask him about our lack of love-making and he tells me it`s my fault for being confrontational. If I ask when we are about to go out for a meal or theatre he wont go for the meal or goes to the theatre alone. I am punished. Six weeks ago, He went out for the day with a friend climbing. I had a day cleaning and making curtains and I made a dinner ready for his return . I had a call from another of his friends, saying he would be staying the night as my husband and he were going out the next day. I was initially taken aback as it was unexpected and I needed to get the room ready. I left a message on my husband`s mobile . Around the late afternoon I had a call from my husband in a nasty temper telling me he had told me about his friend. I replied, If you had I would have prepared the room the previous evening but I had done it now. I went out and bought the wine they like and cheese and biscuits for their supper. My husband returned home very angry (after a two hour drive) and stood over me raising his voice and pointing his finger in my face that he had informed me. I kept saying what`s your problem. I was accused of being angry. I kept saying I wasn`t angry and telling him I was quite Ok and he kept on telling me I was to admit I was wrong and that he had told me. He then saw the meal in the oven and started again after giving a smile. I then did something I would never do… I took the dinner and tipped it on the garden As I was going he watched and called out in a sing song voice. ” Have your little temper tantrum then”. I was in tears.His friend arrived and my husband got worse. His friend remarked how cosy the house was. My husband then started whistling and singing in the kitchen and I was in tears.
    I was told I ha d better leave, which I did. His friend was amazed and said, he was acting out of order.
    To cut a long story he never made contact for two weeks and then I discovered that he had taken a male friend to see the ballet to which I was supposed to go. My punishment. He then wanted me to return home. I replied that I was afraid of his temper . I asked him if he would be so angry that he would hit me if there was nothing else to hand. He replied. I could say I wouldn`t but then how do you know if I am telling the truth . I replied. How can I return then? I did go back eventually after six weeks of living out of bags with my two dogs. He went to anger management twice and all, he did was blame me. I was falling apart and the therapist told him to stop refering to me as “She”. One day he did not turn up and she told me that I was a lovely attractive person and she noted the anger toward me, with lack of empathy.
    When ever I get to a point where I am getting a place to leave he want s to give it another go. I could go on…. Yesterday I came home from being rushed to hospital… my heart over beats and I have tablets. I wasn`t even asked what happened in hospital. There is more but this would become a book. Is he a Narc?

    • Whatever he is, he is destructive and harmful to you. Please consider taking care of yourself by planning an exit. Read, get help, find support, think strategically, calmly and rationally. The more you learn (see, for example a book called The Disease to Please) the easier it will be for you to take care of yourself and do the right thing. Do your planning without telling him. If, after all, you decide to stay, make sure it is okay for you. You sound miserable, no matter what he is. Taking steps, slowly, may help calm you down enough so the bigger steps you take, whatever they are, are the right ones for you to thrive as you go forward. Best, Ann

      • Thank you Ann, and thank you for this site.
        I live with a person who lacks feelings and sulks as a child would. If I do not question our marriage and his continue`d neglect of me, things are fine. Although, I am told off for a simple thing like boiling a kettle and leaving it or making calls on the land line so I use my cell phone. I live off the money from the sale of my cottage as he refused to sell his home and buy a house jointly . he did not want my furniture or ornaments cluttering up the house so I had to get rid of them.He is a bully and I have been told it is mental abuse.When he want`s me back he is nice but then he returns to the punishment mode again. My family are worried about me and my daughter was very upset ,that I returned after the incident 8 weeks ago.I had just been accepted as a tenant of a cottage. I am “stonewalled” regularly .He is a very selfish man and I am a giver in all ways He just takes and puts me down. I feel like a worm. I was told to find a home a few days ago and he told me that he did not have care for me much. I have found a home and now he wants to try to make the marriage work and tells me I pushed him into saying what he did. I don`t know what to believe ,my head is in turmoil and I am thinking is it me? Have I caused this.My family have seen my distress and I swear this is the cause of my health issues.I am tired of being punished and want a sane life… I am nearly 60. It`s getting too much .My 86 yr old father asked my why I could not see what he is doing to me… why do I blame myself?Is it because he blames me…I am lost and confused.

  30. I forgot to add that he is retired and goes on lots of courses.And men are always phoning for him to go out. He asks one particular friend to tea… which reminds me of a school boy inviting a friend over. This friend sleeps over and has done while I was trying to find a home.

    When I went to the therapist I said, to her, He was getting on with his life ie :going to the theatre and jazz clubs, while I was falling apart.She asked are you? He replied that he was pragmatic and was getting on with his life.He only went there twice 2 hours. He said, it was a waste of time when I asked him about it .Yet he made a promise to go I went to show my support for him. I jand to hear ust sat and listened to my self being blamed and to hear myself being turned into a person whoI know in my heart does not resemble me. It was like he was turning me into him… does that make sense?

  31. I recently broke up with my Narcissist boyfriend. We were together for two years. I knew something was off about him from the start – he was too dramatic, seemed to take things very personally and came on way too strong. And he drank, a lot. But he was also entertaining, charming, and gave me a lot of attention, and I was lonely at the time so I took the bait.

    This man had no empathy and proudly stated that he liked to “prey on the weak”. He was a true legend in his own mind. Never wrong, never at fault, always perfect. Charismatic, funny and charming to the nth degree, and people loved having him around. But of course he would never allow himself to get too close, vulnerable or real with anyone lest he find out that he actually WASN’T perfect. He lived his life as an image, existing in his own little world, rewriting history as it suited him, and didn’t really give a damn about anybody else. He never went to school, worked a job way below the skill level that someone his age should have, had no solid hobbies, and claimed not to care about “superficial” things like that, but the real truth was he was too scared of failing that he refused to even try.

    I often felt like I was the mother to a little kid. His ego was always on the line and everything he did was about HIM. He didn’t care about honesty or authenticity, just about what made him look good or seem powerful or in control. It was all about winning to him. He had to come out on top, even if it meant denying everything that had just happened. He would not admit to being flawed, and even went so far as to turn the blame onto me, flip the conversation to something I had done, instead of focusing on the issue at hand. A coward in the fullest. He also felt entitled to make fun of people and put them down, acting like he was better than them. He felt like it was his right to steal people’s integrity and pride. As our relationship progressed, I could see this underlying rage more and more, and it terrified me. I even told my mother one day, “If anything happens to me, know that he did it.”

    He had a son from a previous marriage and the way he interacted with his son bothered me a lot. He was never honest or real with his son, just used sarcasm and half-truths to communicate, to the point where the boy was so insecure and unsure of himself. Of course he was, because the poor child had no solid grip on reality, on what was right, wrong, or true. Any problems his son had were not really addressed, just swept under the rug and expected to be forgotten. It was a sad dynamic to witness. I tried to help and I did make a positive impact, but I was no match for the “adored daddy”.

    I decided to leave when I finally realized that protecting his ego was more important to him than having an honest, real, intimate relationship with me. I realized that when push comes to shove, he would choose himself over me. He was too emotionally stunted, too insecure, too self-focused and too needy to be in a relationship, and I doubt he will ever get to the point where he’s ready for one. He’ll continue to lie to himself until his entire life falls apart. He’s that proud and delusional.

    Narcissists will take everything you have and will destroy everything you are. They are sick people and for your own health and sanity, you have to get away from them and simply go no contact. They are desperate cowards and will milk you for all you’re worth – don’t let them. Get away and don’t look back. Do the research and try to figure out why you attracted this type in the first place. It’s not something to be ashamed of, but for your own protection you have to know how to keep this type out of your life. You deserve better.

  32. Sounds like what most of you are dealing with are men that grow complacent and uncomfortable with the way their lives/relationships are but instead of leaving.. the decide to stay. They begin to play with your emotions, drag you down, make life hell.

    My advice would be to get the F outta there… I was this type of guy in 1 very short relationship.. had no idea it was really me ruining things until I did some reflecting/studying on self-improvement till I found out I was being a total fuckin scumbag. Now I know exactly how to treat a woman, how to foster a loving intimate relationship without taking my partner for granted. Live and learn I guess… some of the stories on this page are heart breaking :\

    • Thanks for this! You made me laugh and I appreciate that and I know others will too. You sound like you have too much insight to be narcissistic – or if you were, then you are a story of hope. Thanks for telling us about yourself and sharing with the group. Thanks also for the empathy you expressed to those who suffer. I am sure many join me in that thanks also. Best, Ann

    • Thought I was the only one who noticed this.
      These women have to leave and move on (as harsh as that may sound and never look back)
      Their spouses were immature,lame and unreasonable people who grew tired of them and instead of leaving, stayed out of fear that they can’t find someone else to dominate
      Some people I see “almost nagging” (pardon me again, but truth be told) here are barely victims of sociopaths. Just abusive marriages, a sociopath has a mission (mostly short), they’re so charming, fearless and without remorse (scums).they feel they don’t have to waste time with one person as they “have” numerous options and will leave immediately they’re through. Not all abusive marriages consist of narcissism. Some just reek of bored/childish partners
      A bad marriage doesn’t mean you can never find happiness again. “Nobody said it was easy”
      I really hope that everyone here who’s been hurt will find true happiness again, and that they also never perpetrate evil on those that love them too

  33. I want so badly to leave a marriage to a narcissistic husband. I wonder if narcissism is a genetic or a family trait, because his mother and brother seem very much to meet the criteria of narcissism, also.

    I have been with this man for ten years, and my self-esteem has steadily gone downhill. Now I have so many self-doubts and so little confidence that I wonder if I can even even muster up the courage to leave him. I feel as if I am dying inside. There is something so horribly depressing about living with a person who is unable to feel much for others. I knock myself out trying to explain to him how I’ve felt, what the issues are, what pain I’m in, and he sits looking at me with a glazed expression, as if he HAS NO CLUE what I’m even talking about. It is so frustrating. He really is totally unlike me. I am an empath, an HSP. He is crude, lewd, uncaring, selfish, self-absorbed. I am beginning to believe that he is so empty inside. All he really cares about is himself.

    I didn’t know a thing about narcissism when I married him. Now that I’ve become better educated about it, I see in so many ways how he undermines me, ignores me, overlooks me, dismisses what I think or feel, criticizes me. I am sick of it. I need help and support just taking the steps I need to take in order to leave and begin a life anew.

  34. My husband of 42 years has done everything others have written about here . I’ve left three times — the most recent in 2010. My NPD husband has had MS since 2000 and is now wheelchair bound and not doing well. The abuse I suffered under him (in the years before his illness and during) has left me a shell of the person I was before I married him. I’ve tried without success to make some sort of life for myself but his illness in some horrible way has given him yet another tool with which to manipulate me and draw mw back in. How do leave someone who is ill and perhaps dying?? I am not heartless and want to help but am so afraid that continuing my loveless life with him (now as his caregiver) will kill me a few years.

    He has no family and I am it.

    What do I do now?? How do I take care of someone who doesn’t have empathy for me and perhaps has never even loved me?? I gave him a separation agreement but he does nothing with it, won’t contact a lawyer. He’s waiting for me to crack.

    I feel so lost.

    • Look up caregivers assistance groups – you need a support group for being a caregiver. I would use them as they understand all the difficulty of being a caregiver. You may want to wait to discuss the narcissism until you see what the people are like. They may say this is the result of the illness and not really want to hear what you have to say. Even if they don’t understand your plight with the narcissism they can certainly understand your plight of the caregiver. Take as much empathy and support from them as you can.

      Be well, and be strong – and TAKE CARE OF YOU.

      Ann

  35. I recognize that Narcissists come in both female and male genders but it
    seems most narcissists I read about are male. Are most narcissists also spouses? What about children? I’ve heard about narcissistic parents but little is said about children.
    What if the narcissist in your life is your own child? My son is a 25 year old man and since childhood I saw these features; lacking empathy and remorse, showing little emotion except if it had to do with him and if he was upset and angry about something.

    The stories here sound exactly like him, except we are parent and child. It’s an excruciating pain like no other. When I think he’s turning a corner and his behavior “appears” more healthy it usually goes right back to the way things have always been. When I try to talk to him about it he acts like he doesn’t understand what I’m talking about or if we are arguing over something, he will twist it and refuse to accept any responsibility for how he behaves in the relationship and how he hurts it repeatedly. Sadly, he’s my only child and I’m getting older. I have no other family and have never had many friends. I hide my pain real well. I wish I could stop loving him because I know he doesn’t truly love me and sometimes he scares me too.

    • Hi. Sorry to hear you are experiencing this pain. The best way to deal with your son is to begin with yourself. Find a source of strength inside yourself – a place of love and pride and sense of balance and calm. Don’t even begin to think you don’t have this! You do. You have kindness, or love for others, empathy, you have energy or bake awesome cookies…start anywhere. Once you have this strength and love for yourself you can begin to love and parent your son for who he is. You will love, but not in a panic. You will be his mom, but not a drama mama who lives in fear. Show him strength and the love will shine through in a way he can relate to. Right now he may be picking up on your vibes of fear and feel burdened by them – if you can erase this, you can have a better relationship and it will probably be healing to him at the same time. Think of systems theory – one thing impacts the other. It can be positive – be the positive for you and it will be there for him. Best, Ann

  36. I have lived with a man for 41 years who has belittled and diminished me in every way. If he does anything for me it is supposed to be accepted as a gift from heaven and bragged about for the next 20 years.

    Everything I say is argued away by him, my feelings are ignored because he says ” He doesn’t want to argue!” Yet he constantly starts arguments by making sure he does exactly the things that he knows will irritate me the most. For instance, forgetting to flush the toilet which is something a child should know how to do so I will find it, or leaving the cap unscrewed on a bottle in the refrigerator so I will drop it when I pick it up. He silently smirks when I question him about it. I told him I think it is childish and disrespectful but he always has a comeback.

    He never remembers our anniversary or my birthday and for 35 years I got the same bottle of cheap perfume on Christmas because it took no thought, or driving the gas out of my car and leaving it filthy with his muddy shoes or covered with bugs. He will make snide comments and pretend he never said it and if I tell him how he has hurt me he tells me I’m delusional.

    I helped him get his degree by sitting in on his classes and taking notes and rewriting them into test questions for him to memorize. When he got his degree he was so proud and I was nothing. When I got mine and got offered a job, he quit his job and moved across the state so I would have to follow. One of his job whores got him a position and once again I was left out in the cold.

    I made excuses for his bad behavior even taking the blame when he cheated on me for 3/4 of our marriage because I was ashamed of being so taken advantage of.I went to church and he followed. Once he finally came to church he made a big show of being a Christian. He would act humble and pray but at home he never cracked the Bible and was anything but a spiritual leader. He would take the Lord’s supper and say heartfelt prayers that everyone in our congregation said were just wonderful and everyone in church loved him because he went out of his way to do things for them. But when I turned to the church the last time he cheated on me they dropped me like a hot potato.

    I haven’t been back to church in 10 years.I took care of everything for many years as far as our taxes and taking care of financial obligations, our children and our home. He had a job and that was the extent of his contribution.Each time he got in trouble at work for his infidelities with women he worked with, I was the one who found a new job for him and a home.For years he hid it from me until he made one of the women mad at him for not giving her a favor of a new position so she exposed him,threatened to sue him for sexual abuse on an employee and he was actually arrested and taken to court.

    My adult children think he is grand because I have always made excuses for him and took the blame. He has carefully never shown them his selfishness nor his lack of empathy for me. I was the one who bought the gifts at Christmas and decorated the house. He was only involved with the boys after they were big enough to compete in sport especially football where he could go watch the cheerleaders and sat close enough he could observe them. I went to a few games but couldn’t stand the leering expressions on his face and his constant ignoring of me. I was always invisible by his side or behind him as he always liked to walk ahead of me. His eyes were always on other women. But and In fact, if you were to meet him today you would swear I was crazy because the man has so much fake humility and charisma around people in public. The only reason he doesn’t cheat now is because he is impotent due to heart problems, diabetes and high blood pressure. I have given him 10 years to change and since the only change has been him not leering at women anymore because he is ashamed of his inability to get an erection. I have asked him to leave but he refuses to budge and tells me to leave! He says he is happy to have roof over his head, a place to eat and sleep. I am sure he is happy about that but I’m not. Why should I leave when this is my home and 3/4 of the payments were made out of my funds? I am the one who made this house a home.

    Our sexual relationship has always been for his pleasure and if I don’t act excited over that he gets depressed and says it is my fault. Now I can barely stand for him to touch me. He makes promises he never keeps, half does or botches anything I ask him to do around the house,forgets his promises and his excuse is he works and doesn’t have the time to finish anything he starts around the house. But when I hire the work to be done he fires the person I hired saying he can do the same thing for half the price but he never does. When I try to tell him something important to me, doesn’t matter what it is, he never makes eye contact with me and repeatedly says “What did you say?” until I am finally so frustrated I don’t attempt to have a conversation with him which was his goal all along. He literally drives me crazy. I can’t talk to him in any aspect of a normal give and take conversation one has with a normal person. If I get angry he pulls out his martyr personality where he is the poor put upon by this hysterical woman who can’t control her temper. Then, out of the blue,he will suddenly and inexplicably show up with flowers or will do some kind of yard work or fold a basket of clothes but always there is some payment I must make for this good behavior in the form of an covert hostile attack on my sanity. Like he will say we are going to go see the kids at some play or recital then he will work until it is too late to go or he will say he is going to put the mail in the mailbox then leave it in a place where I won’t readily see it and when I find it and ask him why he didn’t mail it, he will say he thought I was going to!

    I could go on but it would take a book to hold all the behaviors he has manifested over the 41 years we have been together. The only good thing that came out of this marriage is my boys and my grand kids. It has been 10 years since he confessed his infidelities and back stabbing behavior to me and for those past 10 years he has been a brick wall that shows no emotion, has no empathy, no joy, no ideas, no hopes and no dreams. I do have to say he is good at his work and I now don’t have to worry about him being unfaithful. He has chased us out of every church we have ever gone to because of his desire to be seen as above all the dirty deeds he has pulled on me and every explanation falls on me.

    So, I’m trapped and sometimes wish I could just end it all by taking my own life. The only thing that keeps me alive is my grand kids whom I love with all my heart and they love me with all their heart.

    • Trapped: You have been through so much that at this point you are a wise and wonderful woman with so much to live for. To take your own life over his pathology would be the worst act you could do. There are so many women who could use you as a mentor for their own unraveling lives. I strongly encourage you to reflect upon all you know and all you can do and the enormous good inside you and channel it to those who need it desperately. You can make such a difference in the lives of so many. Find a domestic violence center, a woman’s shelter, a place for kids in need and share your wisdom. Do not waste your hard earned lessons on erasing them, use them. Take them and share, and nothing, nothing he has done will have made any difference – YOU will be the one in this world who has made a difference. Best to you, you have all our love for all you have been through and for all you are. Ann

  37. I just found this site and i’m realizing that my fiance has NPD and maybe soem other personality disorders. We have been together 6 years and honestly i started thinking i was losing my mind….every incident or episode would get twisted around into something that never even happened and i was always apoligizing when i didn’t even feel i did anything wrong. I’m writing because right now i am hurting very bad…my mom is in late stage Alzheimers and probably will be passing any day now and my dad is not well either. They both live with me and have caretakers and hospice helping out. I feel so empty becasue my NP is telling me that this has nothing to do with me and its’ about my mom not me and also she is tired of me “using” my mom illness as an excuse to be mean to her. If i try to express any emotion about my situation i am told how my stress is effecting her and our relationship…i am not used to this kind of person and it hurts beyond measure. if i wasn’t going through losing my parents i would probably be stronger but i feel so weak and when i need her the most she lies about me and distorts the truth to make people feel sorry for her. She can cry on cue and usually does when she wants attention. I feel like people think i’m crazy when i try to tell them her behavior becasue honestly it sounds nuts….i just don’t know where to turn i haev never dealt with anyone like this in my life. What makes it worse is that i am probably too empathetic so i find myself feeling sorry for her at times because of her past. I’m an intelligent person and i know that i need to get out of this relationship but i just don’t haev the strength right now…thanks for listening…just wanted to share my thoughts.

  38. I am replying to the last post titled Help above. I also endured a relationship with a narcissist and the thing I found hardest was accepting how and why he could behave the way he did. I wrote a book about it which is on Amazon (Planet Ben: Inside the World of a Narcissist) as I wanted to share my story so that other people could see their own similarities reflected in the pages. Until you work out why you are putting up with a narcissist’s behavior, it is very hard to get these people out of your life. My book is written about a male narcissist but the female narcissist employs the same manipulative tricks, although she might resort to tears rather than to anger. The first thing you need to do is to learn how to set boundaries in your life, especially when you have so much on your plate with your parents at the moment. I wish you all the best and hope you can move on and heal from this person. Susan.

  39. I just found this site this morning, and so much of this sounds familiar. I have been married 7 years, together 14 with a man whom I believe has this disorder. When we first met, he told me he was a recovering alcoholic. What I believe is that, as another post pointed out, that the alcoholism is merely a facet of his personality issue – rather than the root cause. He drinks when he is stressed or angry and blames others for why he is stressed or angry, saying “I need to learn to express my anger….” It’s nonsense. As a result, I am forced to deal with all the unpleasant issues in our life while he pretty much picks and chooses what he wants to deal with and do. He doesn’t give a D that he has destroyed my/our lives and careers – even though he’ll sit there with this solemn look on his face and say all the ‘right’ things. It’s BS. I have lost just about everything I worked for and need to get out. I am only 52YO.

  40. Found this site today I am in the proces of discovering that I have narcissistic traits and a lack of empathy. My wife suffered through her entire life under a severly narcissic mother who was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive and even to this day has cut my wife off from the family now that her father has passed away. Through God she is discovering that she can break that cycle, but we are unfortunately a product of our parents so the narcissic tendencies are there and erupt for her in anger, physical rage and verbal assaults. For me, I have realized that while I am not violent, I too am narcissic in that I have little or no empathy. What a realization that has been since I thought that was the way you were supposed to be. In our 8 years together she always said my actions did not match my words. I did not understand that at all until now that I see my lack of empathy is also a narcissic trait. You always hear about the phyically abusive, controlling, angry traits of narcissism, but there are so many others that are less obvious that cause as much or more hurt. We realize that my wife has enabled me to be this way since she would forgive me for my silence, not being there when needed , for my actions not matching my words. Silence is as much an attack as yelling. I too enabled her ro remain angry, resentful, respond in violence and hurtful comments by not responding and writing it off as menapause of hormones. I would then respond with silence and hope that would blow over, nit realizing that my response was narcissistic also. We have come to grips that we both have so much to change in our behavior and we have decided that we want to continue through life together but both realizing that is will be tough road with many obstacles. Having asked God by grace to show me how to gain empathy after years of not having any is my first step. I dont know what other help may be out there tha trealistically will help, I know my problem stems from family issues and the way my parents were (alchoholic father and I am discovering my mother was also lacked empathy) It is easy to put on the shoiw for the outside world to see but we have decided that we want out enitre life to be one of joy, satisfaction, support, love and meaning. God will give us that strength and the ability to change but sharing also seems to help. Is there anyone out there with a success story? All of these comments seems to end in a bad way. Ceretainly there is hope out there. Of course we both agree that we cannot survive the rest of our lives the way it is now, but to start on the path of recovery requires a step in the right direction. Thanks for letting me vent and I hope offer some hope to those that can realize they have a problem and that can be narissitic tendencies on both sides of the relationship thst can blind both partners from seeing what is out there.

    • Thank you! This is indeed a most hopeful, thoughtful and interesting post and it will make a difference for people. It was good of you to do this. High five to you and spouse…best, Ann

    • Uhmm buddy, I don’t know how to break this to you but… You’re not a narcissistic person, if you were you probably wouldn’t comment. The little I see here has you taking blame and recognizing your hurt wife. You probably just had a bad day when you posted that
      No narcissistic person can spend more than a minute on this site let alone read or give comments. We read the comments because we can relate to the hurt of these people, I may be wrong but.. On your case, No pal

  41. To you women out there who have managed to get away from your narcissistic abuser, DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. I left my ex for four years and had managed to be happy again. I even had a relationship with a healthy man. My ex found out about it and set about to get me back with roses, cards, cigarettes, casino cashout tickets and other gifts left in my car.

    This wooing me back went on for two years. We had lunch together a couple times and he persuaded me to marry him. He promised to quit drinking. He told me he would support me and pay all my bills if I would come back and marry him. He told me I didn’t have to work outside the home. After the marriage, I realized all those promises were lies designed to get me back so that he could PUNISH me for leaving him in the first place. And punish me he does. He punishes me with total control of money. All my hobbies or interests are stupid according to him. He’s drunk every night and drives home drunk. After work, I used to make a dinner plan but stopped cooking because he would sneak out to the bar after agreeing to the dinner plan. Here I was with a nice dinner cooked and found him nowhere to be found. In the bar! These types of disrespect went on and on. There is never an apology, only anger that I dared bring it up. Unbelievable. Like the other posters, I could go on and on with stories of things this man has done to me. If I try to talk to him about any of his behaviors, it’s a guaranteed knock-down-drag-out argument with him twisting my words and obfuscating tactics. Before I know it, I OWE HIM AN APOLOGY! These Narcissists are all the same. I’ve tried to talk to people about this but they either don’t understand or he has convinced them I am crazy.

    My self-esteem has hit an all-time low. I am having trouble coping so I am just starting therapy. For a while I was considering suicide because I feel trapped. This site is a God-Send for me. Wish I could find a support group dedicated only to victims of NPD. God bless you all.

    • Hi, You don’t need to have low self esteem. You are a victim of a con artist – we all know the tricks they play. You are on the path to getting out – the awareness and the the therapy will jump start you back into a place where you feel good again. Meanwhile when he verbally attacks, pretend you are wearing teflon clothes and let it all bounce off you. We’re rooting for you! Best, Ann

  42. I feel like I’m dying inside, and the pain is unbearable. I have been with a narcissist for several years, Thursday I flew to St Louis we had dinner all was well got back to his house had a nice evening, he woke me up at 5:45 to tell me it was over and to pack my things that he changed my flight back home and he was taking me to the airport. He told he was blocking my email and changing his number and that he will never contact me again. I literally broke down in the airport and I feel like I am going to die inside. I am scared and don’t understand … what am I going to do.

  43. It’s always amazing to me how similar these narcissistic abusers are to each other. It’s like they read a textbook on how to be cruel, hurtful and manipulative! I was with my now ex-husband for 15 yrs and never knew what he was.

    The part that stands out is their desire to PUNISH their victim. My narc was never wrong (in his opinion) and never apologized for anything – he never forgave me for any mistakes (which were determined by him and his rules that changed constantly). He would refuse to discuss anything saying “we don’t fight in the past” but would bring up stuff that I had done YEARS before… not sure how that wasn’t “the past” but then again, his rules didn’t apply to him. It’s hard to stomach that he is so emotionally crippled that he can’t feel compassion or love, etc; I realized that he enjoyed seeing me cry, and especially enjoyed seeing me frustrated – they often occurred in tandem.

    When I left him after he beat me up he turned even more vicious! He said “I never hit you – I don’t hit women” and said so many hurtful things to me that it’s hard to fathom how I ever saw any good in him. He lied so much during our marriage that I stopped believing anything he said and then he got angry saying “you don’t trust me – you never did” – OMG! I DID trust him until I found out he had lied repeatedly….he created the situation!

    Reading all the similar stories helps because it shows that what happened to me is real and that he is sick. Healing is a long process and sites like this are important to creating a community that understands these personalities.

  44. I have known this man since we were kids. I thought we had a unsaid connection..at the start he was my knight. Then he dumped me and left me pregnant only to come back 6 months later.

    We tried again and its been 4 yrs..and I have lied and covered for him so many times to keep him out of jail..the last 8 month have been worse – he got cruel because I stopped doing everything he wanted and started to complain that he was doing nothing for me that required and work..i stopped giving him my undivided attention I was tired of giving and not getting.

    There was a bad episode that I cried and begged him to stop being so cruel he just laughed and said poor poor you having you pity party..well I threw him out because he spit in my face..it took him less then two weeks to talk his ex wife that he has been gone from to let him back in the door..so much more to the story but I am so hurt that I was so stupid to give all myself and love to someone that never really loved me at all..i knew things wont right because he always had something bad to say about anything and everything he was always better at something then anyone else..need constant attention. but I just didn’t want to accept it..i finally had to because I know in my heart that people are not that cruel to the one they really care for

  45. I’ve read the stories here. While I share many traits with your villains I would like to change. I am empty inside. I see the world as a passing of empty forms. Objects to be used.

    I am now married and I have a small child. I can’t seem to touch my wife and child emotionally. Objectively I see I should. Superficially I can pretend. But that is meaningless.

    I do not want to be this way.

  46. Get some help. Please don’t put your wife and child through the pain. I don’t know how, but well done for coming on here (you’re very brave)
    My heart is broken, I have nothing left inside. No will, no fight, nothing. All I can do is read and hope one day I can find the strength to escape, but I can’t see it to be honest. I make myself sick, Its totally pathetic, I know. I feel so trapped :(

  47. This piece made me feel so good. Not because of all the agonizing events and realizations but because someone else understands. My friends can’t because they only experience the facade.

    Narcissism in our society is no longer considered a taboo. It’s a convenient adjective to lightly describe someone. Just to have read of others that feel what I feel gives me validation. As a stay at home mom married to a narcissist I genuinely have not had my feelings count for many, many years. To find others almost express them and listen for me is sincerely a gift.

    I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and deeply saddened to hear of others having this Twilight Zone existence. But I feel like I’m not alone for the first time in a long while.Thank you and God Bless

  48. Wow, I am impressed by all these comments and need to share my latest experience: I suffered lots when my Partner left. it was hell. (co-dependent and unaware of what happened to me), that was in 2010. he married someone else in 2011, had a child in 2012, kicked the wife out in 2013 and then took contact with me ‘to apologize’. Since I was on my way of Healing and he owed me a lot of money, I decided to observe, listen and use my knowledge to ‘forgive’. After a very short time, everything became clear and I finally understood that he was a narcissist – big time. How about this: After all the damage he had caused me and my son, one evening in a restaurant, before ordering the food, he asked me whether I will join him for a ‘surrogate’ now that he would lose his child with the future ex-wife. I was totally shocked by the totally selfish manner, since we were not even romantically involved again and he was in the middle of a divorce battle. And can you imagine: What an attitude even towards a potential surrogate. I hope the agency would find out that this man has no empathy whatsoever towards anyone and instrumentalises all the women he knows. I am very grateful, that after lots of reading and talking, I finally ‘cracked’ the real problem for myself. And as time went by, I could replace bitterness with cleverness. By the way: I got all my money back and he did not even realise that I was using him for once . Now that I am no longer interested in neither sharing the surrogate nor anything else, I know he will lose interest and hopefully not enter into the next stage of ‘devaluating’. I can see first signs coming up and have to definately pull the plug in an intelligent manner now. I am in a new Relationship with a loving and ‘normal’ man and it was important for me to prove to myself, that I would get my money, my pride and my self-esteem back. I finally understood that I once loved an empty shell……Once you are able to understand what these people do, digest and think, you can use the knowledge and come to terms. Good luck to all.

    • Congratulations on a job well done! An inspiration for many that life can and does get better. You deserve this life you made. Thanks for sharing your story. Best, Ann

  49. Hi. My name is Amy and I’m 31 years old and married to a niccissist. Am literally in tears after coming across this blog……

    I can’t believe how many people out there currently deal or have dealt with what I do on a daily basis. I’m stuck w my narc husband (have been married for 6 years, together for 8) and have no way out. We have a 3 year old son and live with my husbands parents who are completely obsessed with him, spoil him rotten still (he’s 38 years old) and think he’s the “King of the World”! They pay all of our bills, buy our food, cook us dinner (mother in law does), and provide him w a credit card.

    I Don’t mean to sound ungrateful about that but it’s just disgusting to me and perhaps is the reason why he is the way he is today. If you’re handed everything in life, why/how would you appreciate anything? At least he has a good job right now (he was unemployed and sat on couch watching tv 24/7 for past 3 years up until 2 months ago) and is gone all day mon-fri. However, even though he’s gone, I am stuck at home with his retired parents who are spoiling my son in the same way they spoiled him.

    I have just completely lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. Have horrible tension headaches on a daily basis, frequent panic attacks, insomnia, depression, and not one single friend to talk to about it all. I have my own issues and did before I met him but was still an all around happy person with loads of friends. There’s no point in having friends now bc he will destroy any and all “outside” relationships that I have.

    I’m surprised my own family still speaks to me! The problem is that I have basically become an alcoholic bc I feel that it’s the only way that I can handle my life. Now, am not making excuses or saying that’s it’s ok to use alcohol as my crutch (bc it is not….at all!) but, I do not get drunk, don’t walk around stumbling and/or slurring forgetting stuff from previous day, etc. I basically just “maintain” so I that I can keep calm and don’t have a nervous breakdown or panic attack. Has gotten to the point where if I drink a couple beers (even its within a four hour time period) I’m more functional than I would be without it. “Functional alcholic” is the term I believe…..even though this is no way to function at all! I don’t have parents to pay my way, am not allowed to get a job bc my hub refuses to put my son in day care and mother in law refuses to be the caretaker while I work too, and have horrible credit bc of reasons I won’t get into (wasn’t my doing in other words). I don’t own a car (“my car” that I drive is owned by his parents), don’t have a bank account, and nowhere else to go if I left him. Luckily, I do bring in some $ by selling on eBay (am a “picker”… buy things at yard sales and thrift shops then resell on eBay). Can do it at home when my son is napping and have been pretty successful at it since I began a year and a half ago. I want out so bad that I have even gone to the point of researching homeless women’s shelters in my area but since I’m not homeless at the moment, none will accept me. Also, if I ever left him he would literally “WIPE THE FLOOR” with me and his parents would help given that they would do ANYTHING for their baby boy. He would take my son from me (the only light in my darkness) bc he has a roof to put over his head and I do not. He would use the fact that I’ve been to the ER at least 5 times a month for past 5 years for panic attacks/alcholism (is a viscous cycle that I can’t get a grip on) to paint the picture that he is amazing and I am scum. He does it everyday. Don’t need to go into to detail bc you all know what I mean. Lost my health insurance when he got his new job and plan his job offered was “too expensive” to add me to it. So, my son and him are covered but I am not. Can’t see my Psychiatrist or counselor as often as I need to anymore unless I make a good sale on eBay. I don’t know….I’m just miserable and feel so stuck. This blog is amazing and all of you are amazing for dealing what you do/did. I’m just not sure this nightmare will ever end for me. I’m scared……

  50. I have been in excruciating pain and suffering for 8 years because of my emotionally abusive and narcissistic husband. He drained the life out of me and left me damaged and depressed.

    A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with cancer and ever since he became even worse than before. Displaying a caring attitude in public, sending messages filled with the “right” words and being a horrible, torturing monster in the privacy of our home, ignoring me, rejecting me, turning his back when I desperately tried to find a little support and somebody to talk to. I knew he was a mean, insane person. I guess I never thought he would be this cruel and malefic in a challenging time like this for me.

    I am writing this to make all the women who are about to enter a marriage or some sort of a commitment aware and careful with their choices. These people can literally destroy you with no remorse. There is no such thing as compassion or care in their minds, you are just an object that he uses to satisfy his need for abuse and hurting somebody.

    There were signs that I ignored at the beginning as well as actions and horrible moments throughout the marriage that became more intense and more frequent. I ignored them, I made peace with them, I convinced myself it was me, I put them behind for the sake of marriage, I pretended it was not that bad because I was afraid of ending up alone. Big mistakes! You will end up miserable, sick and depressed after wasting important years in your life.

    If your partners show signs of abusive behavior, run! And never look back! Silent treatment, withdrawing in his room and office, no interest for a sexual life, rejecting any attempt for rational communication, twisting things in his favor, putting out the perfect image for strange people and literally being the most hurtful, not nice guy with you, playing the victim and loving to stir pity, overly dramatic, letting you down in front of strangers, never taking your side and making you feel like you are this insane person while he remains cool and calculated.

    Ladies, there isn’t anything worse that can hit you! And when life gives you a terrible disease and the only person close to you is a man like this, you can say you have literally experienced the living hell. I have been to 3 counselors so far trying to “fix” myself as he put this ideas in my mind of how crazy I was and needed “help”. All three told me I was a normal, sane person and the only problem I have is my husband. When I got diagnosed with cancer, my husband played this fake being supportive role and made an appointment for me to see somebody to help me cope with the bad news, and on the first session with this woman she tells me I should go and see a psychiatrist. I got this feeling that something was not all right, and found out from a common friend that my husband told everybody I was crazy and want to kill myself (i never had any thoughts like this, not even remotely, i am depressed and disappointed and want to divorce this man, and not in a great place with my life right now, but never been suicidal or even close to any abnormal destructive behavior) He is just pure evil, this friend sensed something was not adding up as she knows me and decided to tell me that my husband is basically sabotaging me. I am alone, he takes pleasure in leaving me alone over the weekends and not talk to me for hours and days, sulking and retiring in his office (lately he moved a mattress in there and sleeps on the floor, although there are two other bedrooms in the house, but that wouldn’t be dramatic enough for him) He was abused as a child and never fully treated for that, although he went to therapy for a number of years and was on anti-depressants for a while. I really hope I am not going to die next to this man, and I will not have to spend the last months, years of my life being miserable next to an abuser. These people severely lack compassion and would not be shy about hitting you when you are already down. Be careful ladies and search for this mental problem before you take the big step of commitment and bring children in such a destructive type of relationship.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to write this from the heart warning to partners or soon to be partners of someone like your husband. The abuse is toxic and I hope you are able to get away from it so you can have the peace you need to heal.

      I don’t know him but he sounds like he might have borderline personality disorder which does include narcissistic characteristics most of the time. The childhood abuse he went through is being played out again with you as the target. He probably won’t get better, but you can. And your understanding of who and what he is – well, this is the first and very important step.

      Got a support group to go to? You need to be around those who help you feel good and validate you and care. A cancer support group near you might be helpful. They might not understand him (but I bet many will) but you’d find some support there for what you are experiencing. I am hopeful that awareness of the toxic person he is will help you heal. Maybe he could drag that mattress out to the garage, then the yard, and so on! Think of it as a gift that he has moved away from you this way. Enjoy it. Thanks again for your words – they are heard – and others will benefit. Come back and let us know how things are going. Best, Ann

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *