Katie Holmes did everything right in leaving Tom Cruise. When you are dealing with narcissism whether it is the narcissism of a religion, a cult like scientology, or from an ordinary narcissist the very best thing to do is have a divorce plan. If you are not married, plan the ending anyway.
There really is no other way when in the grips of a controller prone to dirty tricks and revenge. Tom Cruise has played his cards over and over – Scientology rules and is to be obeyed and if you disagree, you will be punished. He has the money to back it up and the huge church behind him with its large legal teams. If Katie Holmes is to be successful in this arena, she did everything right. She separated her life from his with a well laid out plan of action that had a full blown strategy and good tactics to carry it out: a support team from her parents to her lawyers, a new place to live, a decision in her mind about what to do with custody, etc.
Yes, Katie Holmes has money to plan and plan well. But even if you do not have deep pockets you can still follow her lead and plan, plan, and plan some more. In my book, Divorce: The Real Truth and Hidden Danger, Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism, (also on iTunes and from Barnes and Noble)from the very beginning – and all through the book – I emphasize the importance of planning. It will save you so much anguish that the time and energy and money spent is well worth it.
Without a plan you are at the mercy of a controller, his attorney, his anger and the legal system. Planning might include research. Too many people contact me without knowing anything about their rights as a litigant, a divorcing spouse that it makes everything more difficult. If you know nothing, put together some key words, including the name of your state if in the U.S., and google for information. You want your state’s name in there because divorce laws vary from state to state. What is true for Texas is not necessarily so in Hawaii or New Jersey or Florida.
If Katie Holmes can surprise the Church of Scientology and Tom Cruise and make an escape plan, you can too. She may have more money but she has a entire cult of narcissism, with its huge legal teams that she had to escape from. You may feel like you do too at times, but hang in there. And maybe have a Plan B in place – you never know!
The difference in Katy Holmes and me is that I live in Mississippi and the law here states that a divorce won’t be granted unless both parties agree. I’ve been separated for 2 years and am trapped in a marraige because my narcissistic husband refuses to give it to me. Any advice for this situation? In my opinion, the laws here allow abuse to continue and create some very dangerous situations, especially when children are involved.
Ugh. Archaic laws…so sorry you have to put up with this.
The other option is to sue for divorce but this means going to trial. I suppose you have researched this, but if not, here is Mississippi law on divorce other than getting your spouse’s agreement. Perhaps you fit in one of these categories. I completely agree that the legal system can and does at times facilitate dangerous situations. I remember a few years ago when the San Jose Mercury News (here in California) did a 5 part front page series on abuses in the legal system. My jaw dropped when I read about the judge getting off the bench and telling the jury who was guilty! The good news: he is no longer a judge.
Do you have a NOW group that might assist you? Take a look at this site:
http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/mississippi/grounds-and-defenses-for-divorce-in-mississippi-3109.shtml
Best, Ann
Katie Holmes also had the benefit of divorcing a man whose “bread and butter” comes from his ability to come across as a “likable” guy with the public, although I hear that public opinion of his likability has changed considerably. I do not know anything about Tom Cruise except he makes movies and is a Scientologist, but I do know he is not stupid and would have never put up the same kind of a dirty fight most narcissists would when someone separates from them. He was not going to get nasty, look like a monster and make divorcing him a public living hell for Katie Holmes, all because of his public image and that definitely played well to her advantage, most women who are divorcing or getting away from a narcissist are not that lucky.