Introduction

Most everyone has heard of or knows someone who has been verbally abused.
Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship.  It is posible that
no one knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which
doesn't  leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You
may be suffering in silence and isolation. 

In this article, I want to tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers.  Like any area of human action, it begins in the
mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is."
What a person thinks in his mind and heart will be reflected in his words and actions.

Verbal abuse is more difficult to see since there are rarely any visible scars
unless physical abuse has taken place. It is also less visible simply because
the abuse often takes place in private. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a
gradually more confusing realm.  In public, the victim is with one person.
Privately,  the abuser becoms a completely different person.

Frequently the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim is female,
but not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally
abusive.  For the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will identify the
abuser as male and the victim as female.

One of the first books to describe verbal abuse was Patricia Evan's book
The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1}  She interviewed forty verbally abused
women ages  21 to 66.  Most of the women had left a verbally abusive
relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and categories of
verbal abuse these women describe in this book.

Another important book in understanding verbal abuse  describes "crazymaking."  George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop!  You're Driving Me Crazy {2}
and describe what crazymaking feels like including feeling "temporarily thrown off balance,"  "lost and not  knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."

 A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The
 abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with
 you?" attitude.  She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill."  Over time
 she loses her equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.

The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse and begin to take steps to stop it
and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial,  the responsibility for
recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.
 

                Now I will  focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as
                outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}

                1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the
                partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something
                wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem,
                rather than her partner.

                2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or
                covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches
                brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and
                consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden
                aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her
                without her knowing.

                3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments
                 may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to
                 control and manipulate.

                4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes,
                usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to
                change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

                5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most
                significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked,
                thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful
                comment.

                6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a
                couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved.
                 In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is ,
                 the abuse and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

                7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence
                 between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he
                 may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is
                 wrong with her.

                8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and
                   variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes.
                    Later other forms might surface.

Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4}

                Categories of Verbal Abuse

 
1. Withholding. A marriage requires intimacy and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner    withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated.

         2. Countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser
           who sees his partner as an adversary.

He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"

In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

                 3. A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one
                      hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent.

Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

                 4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes. Although his comments may
                    masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be
                    delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of
                    diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

                 5. Blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses
                    to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information.
                   He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

                 6. Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of
                    some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship.
                   This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner
                   on the defensive.

                7. Judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner,
                   and then express his judgment in a critical way.  If she objects, he may
                   tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing
                   his lack of acceptance of her.

 

These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse.  Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse.

                Other Forms of Verbal Abuse

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something  said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused, believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her.

                Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by
                bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or
                threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the
                abuse.

                Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid"
                because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not
                as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.

                Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert
                manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser
                consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being
                yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about
                the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have
                made which are most important to their partners.

                Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and
                autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he
                treats her like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.

That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner.

              Notes

1.Patricia Evan, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 1996.
2.George Bach and Ronald Deutsch, Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy. New York: Putnam's  Sons, 1980.
3.Evans, 81-84.
4.Ibid., 85-104.
5.http://www.probe.org/docs/falguilt.html

                                                       © 2001 Probe Ministries International