Verbal Abuse
                                                                by Kerby Anderson
 

                             Introduction
 

                Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone who has been verbally
                abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also
                possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind
                of battering which doesn't leave evidence comparable to the bruises of
                physical battering. You may be suffering in silence and isolation.

                In this article, I want to tackle this very important issue in an effort to
                understand this phenomenon and provide answers. Like any area of human
                action, it begins in the mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks
                within himself, so he is." What a person thinks in his mind and heart will be
                reflected in his words and actions.

Verbal abuse is often more difficult to see since there are rarely any visible scars
unless physical abuse has taken place. But it is often less visible simply because
the abuse may always take place in private. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a
gradually more confusing realm. In public, the victim is with one person. While in
private, the abuser may become a completely different person.

Frequently, the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim is female, but
not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally abusive.
But for the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will identify the
abuser as male and the victim as female.

One of the first books to describe verbal abuse in adults was Patricia Evan's book
The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty verbally abused
women who ranged in age from 21 to 66. Most of the women had left a verbally
abusive relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and categories of
verbal abuse these women describe in this book.

Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the
phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop!
 You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience
 feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and
not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."

 A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The
 abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with
 you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.

The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take
deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial,  the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.
 

                Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as
                outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}

                1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the
                partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something
                wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem,
                rather than her partner.

                2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or
                covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches
                brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and
                consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden
                aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her
                without her knowing.

                3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments
                 may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to
                 control and manipulate.

                4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes,
                usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to
                change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

                5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most
                significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked,
                thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful
                comment.

                6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a
                couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved.
                 In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is ,
                 the abuse and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

                7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence
                 between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he
                 may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is
                 wrong with her.

                8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and
                   variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes.
                    Later other forms might surface.

 
Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4}

                Categories of Verbal Abuse

 
1. Withholding. A marriage requires intimacy and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner    withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated.

       2. Countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser
           who sees his partner as an adversary.

He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"

In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

                3. A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one
                      hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent.

Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

                4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes. Although his comments may
                    masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be
                    delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of
                    diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

                5. Blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses
                    to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information.
                   He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

                6. Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of
                    some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship.
                   This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner
                   on the defensive.

               7. Judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner,
                   and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may
                   tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of .
                   acceptance of her

 

These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse.

                Other Forms of Verbal Abuse

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something  said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused, believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her.

                Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by
                bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or
                threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the
                abuse.

                Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid"
                because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not
                as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.

                Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert
                manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser
                consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being
                yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about
                the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have
                made which are most important to their partners.

                Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and
                autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he
                treats her like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.

That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner.

I include the following for those who may be interested. It came with the original article and I include it as the author so intended. Ignore if this bothers you.
 

  A Biblical Perspective of Verbal Abuse

The Bible clearly warns us about the dangers of an angry man. Proverbs 22:24
 says, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man." And Proverbs 29:22 says, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression."

                It is not God's will for you (or your friend) to be in a verbally abusive
                relationship. Those angry and critical words will destroy your confidence and
                self-esteem. Being submissive in a marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:22) does
                not mean allowing yourself to be verbally beaten by your partner. 1 Peter 3:1
                does teach that wives, by being submissive to their husbands, may win them
                to Christ by their behavior. But it does not teach that they must allow
                themselves to be verbally or physically abused.

Here are some key biblical principles. First, know that God loves you. The Bible
 teaches, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are
crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

Second, deal with your feelings of guilt. You may be feeling that the problems in
 your marriage are your fault. "If only I would do better, he wouldn't be so angry with me." The Bible teaches in Psalm 51:6 that "Surely You desire truth in the inner parts; You teach me wisdom in the inmost place." Even though you may have feelings of guilt, you may not be the guilty party. I would recommend you read my article on the subject of false guilt.{5}

 A related issue is shame. You may feel that something is wrong with you. You may feel that you are a bad person. Psalms 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Finally, you should realize that you can be free from being a victim and agree with
God that you can be free. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

 A key element in this area of verbal abuse will no doubt be confrontation of the
 abuser. It's important for you to realize that confrontation is a biblical principle.
                Jesus taught about this in Matthew 18:15-20. I would recommend that you seek
                help from a pastor or counselor. But I would also recommend that you gather
                godly men and women together who can lovingly confront the person who is
                verbally abusing you. Their goal should be to break through his denial and
                lovingly restore him with a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1).

                Verbal abuse is a difficult emotional problem, but there is hope if the abuser is
                willing to confront his sin and get help.

                Notes

                    1.Patricia Evan, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation,
                        1996.
                    2.George Bach and Ronald Deutsch, Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy. New York: Putnam's
                        Sons, 1980.
                    3.Evans, 81-84.
                    4.Ibid., 85-104.
                    5.http://www.probe.org/docs/falguilt.html

                © 2001 Probe Ministries International

              About the Author

                Kerby Anderson is the president of Probe Ministries International. He received his B.S. from

        Oregon State University, M.F.S. from Yale University, and M.A. from Georgetown University.

He is the author of several books, including Genetic Engineering, Origin Science, Living Ethically in the
 90s, Signs of Warning, Signs of Hope, and Moral Dilemmas. He also served as general editor for Marriage, Family and Sexuality.

                He is the host of "Probe," and frequently serves as guest host on "Point of View" (USA Radio
                Network). He can be reached via e-mail at kerby@probe.org.

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