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Taking Back Power and Control From a Narcissist

By Ann Bradley

Get Your Power Back

When you’re being played you feel out of control.  The lies and manipulation and betrayals hurt. The games played by narcissists cut deep wounds and sometimes,no matter how many successes, how much money you’ve made, or friends you’ve made, the narcissist in your life is going to make you feel small, unimportant or crazy. Don’t give away your power to the narcissist. Take it back.

Maybe you thought he or she was the one and only, the prince or princess who said all the right words and made you think, “Finally, my ship has come in. Lucky me.” You were on cloud nine. One day he or she was buying you things, had big plans for the future, included your family in the plans, or maybe your dog. Whatever was important to you was important to him or her.

Until suddenly it wasn’t. You thought it was a mistake. A bad day. All would be well again soon. Except of course it wasn’t. You were now the victim of a liar, jerk, toad, sociopath or narcissist. Yes, this site is narcissistic abuse, but what the exact nomenclature is doesn’t matter. And if you are getting divorced, don’t tell the court your spouse has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They really don’t like to hear this except from a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Your toady narcissist is not going to become a prince charming or princess. The moment you accept this you have begun to reclaim your power. The spell is being broken and you are back in the driver’s seat. You can now begin to make decisions based on reality, not delusion. Feel proud of yourself. You are working your way out and it isn’t easy but you are doing it.

You Are A Victim but Don’t Be Afraid of That.

Too many people think the word victim means you are weak, don’t want to be a survivor, have not taken responsibility for your self or other disempowering thoughts. Nothing is further from the truth.  Do we blame the victim of a homicide for having gotten out of bed? Of course not. You are no different. Dr. Frank Ochburg, Harvard trained trauma therapist agrees.

Frank Ochburg and being a victim

Here’s a powerful mental trick to get you through rumination. Why rumination? Because I know you have thoughts that run around and around in your head and won’t let you rest or sleep. They are counterproductive, as much as your narcissist. So, here’s what you do: think of the thoughts as planes, circling and circling the airport. Seems like they are there forever, circling. But now, it is time to land those planes! Go ahead! Land those planes.

You are not helpless. You only think you are. I don’t care how much you don’t have in the bank account or whatever else is bothering you and keeping you from being the powerful person you can be. Find something you can control and do it. It may be the garden, the type of food bought, the thoughts in your head, the lawyer you choose, it may be that you refuse to pay a bill because you were treated poorly. (I chose to file a bar complaint against opposing counsel and it changed my world view.) This is the beginning. Go from learned helplessness to learned optimism. Go ahead and look up learned helplessness and Marty Seligman, PhD. See? You can change your thoughts and change the circumstance. Be proactive in your own behalf. One step at a time and soon you are walking away, across or around the mountain. It didn’t have to move. You did. Go, grab it. It’s you, it’s who you are. Powerful. Tell us, please, in the comments, what you have control over.

Ann Bradley

14 Comments

  1. I finally have control of when I go to sleep! I get to listen to music in the car!!!

  2. I have been seperated from my N for 1 year now …or can I say not living together,after I found him cheating on me. Since he moved out he called me nearly everyday for a yr.the other times,I called him.

    He’s paid half my rent,and I (silly me)visited him once a week.He visited me 5 times in the year.Of course all of these calls,visits were all his decisions.So you could say Ive seen him 52 times this year .Just recently he told me he wants to be just friends,he has called me twice in 4 days..offered me money ,cause he knows Im struggling,but no ;I love you anymore and no plans to catch up.You asked me what do I have power over…well I have power over the fact that he will get no calls from me and no more visits ..Im moving slow ..but I feel good that if he puts bondaries on me ..Ill put them on him too

  3. I have control over nothing because I haven’t left him. But I want to. He is a narcissist and a sociopath. It’s been 16 years since I became trapped and only now am I seeing from my teenage boy, the horror this relationship has caused. I want to have the power to look at him straight faced and say “you will never control anything in my life again.”

    • Hi Candace, You have control over your thoughts. Oh, they may run away from you at times, but you can call them back and control them! And once you see this, you begin to get stronger and more proactive. Right now you are controlling where you want to go – you just defined a goal: to be free to be your own person. You have clawed your way back up and out of the deep hole you were in and that IS control. Sure, it’s a small step, but a journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step as the saying goes. And one leads to three to six to nine…it sometimes takes leaps when you take control of your thoughts. You’re on the way – and it looks like your son is with you. My advice is plan, quietly to do what needs to be done. Don’t antagonize him right now, don’t talk about what you are planning. Just start doing small things – educating yourself, (divorce?) finding out your rights to finances, etc. But please, do so quietly or you will have to put up with his revenge tactics as well. Best to you, Ann

  4. I first entertained the idea i may be dealing with a narcissist when the word was presented to me two semesters ago in a psychology course. I dismissed it from my mind quickly and i brought up the characteristics to him.

    well, a couple weeks ago my boyfriend of 10 years with whom i have 2 small children, told me that he loves me, but has never really been in love with me, and that he wasn’t sure that he could ever be in love with anyone. i was devastated and couldn’t believe that after so long he could not be in love with me (although, deep down, his actions had long before revealed this devastating truth.)

    I googled “boyfriend of 10 years said he is not in love with me” and lo and behold NARCISSIST popped up on the screen! i began to research the behaviors and characteristics and they fit him and this “relationship” to a T. I must admit that i get upset reading these things, and i cant lie, they make me want to punch him in the face. But i am dealing with the anger, thank god i have Jesus in my life and i know that my anger is making me stronger. i point out every time his narcissism flares up, if he apologizes for something i tell him, you are not sorry, you just want me to think that you are. so, i guess i am taking back control of my mind! if i remember that all of his actions are for his greater good and not for salvaging this “relationship” i will be emotionally back to my old self soon. i’m in a bad place because i can’t just pick up and leave right now, but i am making provisions to be able to do that as soon as it is possible.

  5. I have been married to an abuser for 44 years. Please dont wait that long to run from such a man!

    I am 66 years old and am having to start over. Finally, he has left our home after being arrested for abuse because my daughter called the police when I would not. I am ashamed that I did not have the courage to do it myself many years ago.

    I have taken back control over my own life even though i am old and sick. My daughter and her young child have moved in with me to help when I am too sick to take care of myself. He hates that she is seeing what he is. He has not sought help for his problem, blames me, and lies to everyone about abusing me, saying I am the abuser. he took our money and says i did. Total denial, but I was in denial too!

    I thought, hoped, prayed things would get better, but the abuse only escalated, especially after my mother died in 2012. He knew i had no one to turn to, but my daughter, who originally blamed me as well as him, began to see the truth. It is one day, one baby step, at a time for me.

    i have modified contact with him because of daughter and 5yr old granddaughter but I refuse to be with him to protect granddaughter from seeing the abuse. I wish i had known how this would end and how detrimental it wasfor my daughter to grow up in so much abuse, disrespect, and dysfunction.

    • Thanks so much for sharing this story. Do not be ashamed – somewhere along the line you were taught not to stand up for yourself. You have been victimized before he came along. Be happy you are now free to breathe. Enjoy your daughter and grandchild. Life can be good again. 66 is not old! You have a lot of living to do. Best, Ann

    • Thank you for posting about how your daughter was impacted by your staying. I have stayed with my husband for years when I wanted to leave because I have always thought it was better for my kids. I have been willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs and would continue to if I thought staying was best for them. I don’t want to regret the way I am raising my children. I get only get to do it once and I want to do it right. I can’t change the fact that their father is a narcissist and may never have a real relationship with them- but I can show them that their mother refused to be abused and stood up for herself and them. I have decided to leave and I am preparing for it. I just hope when the time comes to actually walk out the door that I can do it.

  6. I am living in hell, I have finally found the strength to end my marriage to my narcarsistic husband of 8 yrs when the police took him in March.

    He is now trying to have me kicked out of my home, telling lies to Social Security that the children live with him so me and the children have to move out and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

    I drop my children off to and from school and have asked the school to write a letter stating that the kids live with me and nothing. I have no friends and the only person that knows the truth is my mother. He is on drugs and has drug addict friends signing false documents ect. Child protection are involved and they cant help me either since they don’t know who the children lived with before the incident when he used drugs in front of my daughter nor can they prove that it happened HELP !!! He has threatened me several times that he will not stop until I have nothing and destroys me :(

    • You can: write to the superintendent of the school district requesting confirmation of your address and the children living with you and (very nicely) inform them you already approached the school with no response. CC the school.

      If he is lying to Social Security this is a crime. Report it to the local police, district attorney or the agency itself in writing. Talk to a criminal lawyer about his criminal activity.

      Don’t put up with his threats – this is verbal harassment and calmly put it in writing that you fear for your life and let the local police know. You CAN stop him, but since he thinks he has you as doormat, scared and afraid and ready to step on, he will.

      You are not alone…go search for DV groups, protective parents, etc. Go to a drug group and ask for help – document it all. You can do this!

      Best, Ann

  7. Hi Ann, the good news so far is, he didn’t get me and the kids social security.

    I have stopped letting him see my children who are 8,7 & 6 as the local hospital called and told me they found him disorientated and incoherent walking the streets – drug psychosis. Prior to that my 8 yr old little girl had said she didn’t want to go to daddys. So I have a lawyer and he has sent him a letter offering supervised visits with the local community services. No response as yet but I know he will reject it and make up lies.

    He won’t accept 50% custody he will want me to suffer. His response to my sms as I don’t take his calls as I would rather have his rants documented. I just put the kids on the phone straight away and don’t speak to him. Anyway his response to my sms was that he called the hospital and said “I’m a liar” projection and his taking me to court so I have no power over the kids or him wtf ? I am worried as he is a very good liar and his simply so vindictive. I cant eat, cant sleep there was a knock on my door yesterday which I thought was him so I never answered. I worry that he will just pick the kids up from school one day hes leaving them there alone with strangers he lives in a homeless hostel atm. There is no avo or set child care case yet so there isn’t a thing I can do anyway sorry if lm all over the place this man is evil.

    • Hi- The evidence you have on your side comes from the hospital report on his condition and their call to you which shows how concerned they were about his condition and the harm he could do. USE IT! Good for you for getting the kids on the phone and staying off. He may be a good liar but he isn’t perfect and the hospital can back that up and put him in perspective so his lies appear obvious. No need to apologize and keep on going – you can do this! Evil is difficult but not impossible to overcome. Many here have done so. Take care of yourself, do something good for yourself every day, whether its a coffee out or a tv show or a magazine or a walk or yoga. Just treat yourself well. Best, Ann

  8. Hi ann, he is back after not seeing the kids for over 6 weeks and pick them for school and drove off I did not respond. He is also picking them up from school without letting me know.I have informed the school of the situation so they said if they are taken they will let me know. He is not threatening me or anything but I know he is plotting something he knows if he misbehaves I will get an avo back in place hes not stupid I just wish to hell I hadn’t dropped the avo in the first place. I know he is only having the kids for there social security money as soon as hes lies where denied he didn’t bother with them. I am so exhausted and even though the 6 weeks of No contact has been an eye opener I feel sooo drained and can barely face the day which I know he will be smirking at. The mere thought of him makes me anxious and I know I will have to deal with him as we share children I just wish it was thru a third party as in supervised visits. I cant go to the police as he on his best behaviour. Im even thinking of moving somehow as I feel this house has bad energy in it no matter what I do. What in your opinion should I do ? Thank you for listening to me,
    Nikki.

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