By Ann Bradley
Get Your Power Back
When you’re being played you feel out of control. The lies and manipulation and betrayals hurt. The games played by narcissists cut deep wounds and sometimes,no matter how many successes, how much money you’ve made, or friends you’ve made, the narcissist in your life is going to make you feel small, unimportant or crazy. Don’t give away your power to the narcissist. Take it back.
Maybe you thought he or she was the one and only, the prince or princess who said all the right words and made you think, “Finally, my ship has come in. Lucky me.” You were on cloud nine. One day he or she was buying you things, had big plans for the future, included your family in the plans, or maybe your dog. Whatever was important to you was important to him or her.
Until suddenly it wasn’t. You thought it was a mistake. A bad day. All would be well again soon. Except of course it wasn’t. You were now the victim of a liar, jerk, toad, sociopath or narcissist. Yes, this site is narcissistic abuse, but what the exact nomenclature is doesn’t matter. And if you are getting divorced, don’t tell the court your spouse has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They really don’t like to hear this except from a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Your toady narcissist is not going to become a prince charming or princess. The moment you accept this you have begun to reclaim your power. The spell is being broken and you are back in the driver’s seat. You can now begin to make decisions based on reality, not delusion. Feel proud of yourself. You are working your way out and it isn’t easy but you are doing it.
You Are A Victim but Don’t Be Afraid of That.
Too many people think the word victim means you are weak, don’t want to be a survivor, have not taken responsibility for your self or other disempowering thoughts. Nothing is further from the truth. Do we blame the victim of a homicide for having gotten out of bed? Of course not. You are no different. Dr. Frank Ochburg, Harvard trained trauma therapist agrees.
Here’s a powerful mental trick to get you through rumination. Why rumination? Because I know you have thoughts that run around and around in your head and won’t let you rest or sleep. They are counterproductive, as much as your narcissist. So, here’s what you do: think of the thoughts as planes, circling and circling the airport. Seems like they are there forever, circling. But now, it is time to land those planes! Go ahead! Land those planes.
You are not helpless. You only think you are. I don’t care how much you don’t have in the bank account or whatever else is bothering you and keeping you from being the powerful person you can be. Find something you can control and do it. It may be the garden, the type of food bought, the thoughts in your head, the lawyer you choose, it may be that you refuse to pay a bill because you were treated poorly. (I chose to file a bar complaint against opposing counsel and it changed my world view.) This is the beginning. Go from learned helplessness to learned optimism. Go ahead and look up learned helplessness and Marty Seligman, PhD. See? You can change your thoughts and change the circumstance. Be proactive in your own behalf. One step at a time and soon you are walking away, across or around the mountain. It didn’t have to move. You did. Go, grab it. It’s you, it’s who you are. Powerful. Tell us, please, in the comments, what you have control over.