THIS GAME HAS NO WINNERS
HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM BEING MANIPULATED?
If you feel like you can't be heard, if you are afraid of being put down, if you give in when you don't want to and feel powerless to change, if you lack assertiveness, if you are blamed all the time and told you are responsible for what is wrong, you are being manipulated. If you feel like a victim or martyr, you are being manipulated.
WHY DO PEOPLE MANIPULATE?
Because they can. Because they have problems and found that manipulating is a good way to get what they want. The victim's compliance rewards them.
CAN I STOP THE MANIPULATOR?
You can change your behavior and your reactions. This will change the manipulator. It takes two to make the manipulation work. If you empower yourself to change, you can stop the manipulation.
HOW DO I EMPOWER MYSELF?
You already have! Here, you are gaining information. That's the key to change. Learning to recognize the manipulators and their tactics is the first step. Learning what your personal attributes are that makes you vulnerable to manipulation and understanding manipulation techniques and how to respond is the next step.
IS THERE A WAY OUT?
Of course. The cycle of control can be broken and you can learn what the methods are to do this. Learning how "boundaries" work is one step. Finding the right words to respond to a manipulator is another.
HOW, WHY???
Some are manipulated, controlled, harassed, discriminated against or assaulted in some way and can't figure out how they got here or how to get out. What confuses us is that the perpetrator tries to make us feel as if we deserved to be treated this way.
The narcissists believe they have a right to treat us this way and that their acts against us are necessary and right. However, these actions are never right, they are always wrong and they must stop.
What are some of these actions? They include put downs, outbursts, humiliating remarks, lies, "gaslighting", rages, assaults, yelling, intimidation, threats, belittling, betrayals, judging and criticizing. Our reaction can be a mixture of rage, fear, timidity or confusion.
Quite often the person controlling or manipulating is trying to define us so his actions are validated. If lies are told about the victim, making her appear in a negative light, the abuser then feels justified in his actions. At this point, he may enjoin others in his betrayal and manipulation by telling them lies about her, and by portraying himself as the victim he is rewarded with their sympathy.
What can you do? There are many things , depending on the situation.
It is helpful to find a validator who can help you regain a sense of self to fight back. In conjunction with that, we speak the truth, we do not respond to nonsense as if it were reality, we escape, we help others, we protect our children, we look the abuser in the eye and say, "What are you talking about?" We make sure we are safe. We recognize our boundaries and do not let others cross them. We connect with others, and we wake up to our own strengths. Trauma can expand us and help us grow, it does not have to destroy.