Divorcing and Narcissism are a difficult combination.

A narcissist in divorce will test your strength. Be prepared.

Are You The Victim Of A Liar? This Cut To The Chase Guide Is For YOU

Divorce is never good -  but take a narcissist/verbal/emotional abuser and his lawyer and you have a situation that can turn quickly into an explosive battle. You can be hit with increasingly intense abuse. The legal system can be a very effective battering tool.

Learn how to navigate these waters. Be prepared.  If you have not yet begun the process of divorce protect yourself by careful planning. One woman asked if people listened about the importance of planning. I told her some do and some don’t.

She said, “Tell them I am the poster child for not planning and it isn’t good.”

Before You Begin To Divorce A Narcissist

This is a dangerous time.  In times of danger the best thing to do is prepare.Men are used to doing battle.  Women are not. But men are easy prey for emptying their bank account by greedy lawyers. I wrote in my book about divorce:

The first thing my husband’s attorney asked him was “Shall I hit her over the head with a 2×4?”  There  is such pathology in this that we must be aware, vigilant, and prepared. The legal system is adversarial and full of men and women with tremendous needs for power.

We are dealing with narcissists who are already damaged and primed to do battle.

PLANNING is CRITICAL!

If you have a lot of money, your tactics will be somewhat different than that of one with lesser money. But everyone has something to protect. There will be no mercy shown by your narcissist during this time. His sense of entitlement is boundless  and you will be maligned and disparaged and anything, any crumb you get will be too much for you. In his mind, you are worthless, you deserve nothing.

Plan. Plan. Plan. Today, that means be careful with social media. Here’s how attorneys use it in divorce:

California Family Law

Make sure you have access to all the family funds and accounts. Unless it is an inheritance or there is a prenup, family money belongs to both of you. If you are not on title of the house, make sure you do this.

Get a support group of therapists, friends, family members. Make sure therapists understand narcissism and can testify in  your behalf in court.

If the therapist is good but resists the words narcissist and narcissism, call it emotional and verbal abuse.

Do not discuss impending divorce. This gives him time to drain the bank accounts, change documents. When you hire a lawyer, do not tell your spouse immediately.  Tell the lawyer your situation.  Ask if they can handle tough cases. Make sure you interview several lawyers.  Ask who the “pit bull” lawyers are so you can interview them. That way, even if you do not hire them, neither can  your spouse.

Negotiate the retainer.  Most family law attorneys overcharge. Try and find one that gives you some breathing space in terms of how  they charge.  The more prepared, calm and efficient you are, the more the attorney will respect you.  Emotion and long stories are not liked by attorneys. They are busy, they want cut to the chase information – are there custody issues?  is there property to be divided? how much? what problems do you foresee?

Planning is never so important as in divorce. Get your ducks in order and do all you can and be prepared before you announce you want a divorce.

If that’s too late, then begin getting support group together. It is never too late to hire evaluators or therapists for your side. If custody will be an issue, be prepared that he will try to alienate your child from you with brainwashing. Learn as much as you can before you divorce.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.
Thomas Fuller English clergyman & historian (1608-1661)

Betrayal, when realized, is a phenomenal existential feeling.

Suddenly your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question reality, but most of all you question yourself. “How”, you wonder, “could I have been so naive, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing?”  It may be difficult to believe, but these questions are good.

YOU are the normal person, the one who aligns reality (‘he was so nice to me, he was my friend’) with a cognitive belief: he ACTS as if he likes me, he TELLS me he likes me, I see no reason not to believe him because in my past, people who act and speak this way, CAN be trusted. There is congruency. But not now.

Suddenly you learn that someone trusted – a spouse, lover, family member, close friend – has been putting you down, lying, manipulating others against you, and yet maintaining a stance of intimacy with you. The world is not clear, the ground you stand on is wobbly.  You will never feel good about this. But you can get over it. You can do so by realizing that no matter how awful the betrayal, YOU are the normal person and this betrayal comes from rage. This person envies you, is enraged about it, and must put you down behind your back. They must harm you. They have no choice.

But you do. In the world of normals, after we get over the shock, we can use this experience to become stronger, to help others, to learn to avoid this particular toxin, and to calm ourselves that the higher moral ground is ours. It’s too bad this person acted as he did, we wish he did not, but we are NOT diminished by their pathology. Wiser, sadder, but never diminished.

GET OUT! QUICKLY

Learn more about men who betray and the characteristics of women who are attracted to them.  learn how to leave! this ebook is the information you need NOW before you are too beaten down to do anything about it.

Click Here TO SURVIVE A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP

A narcissist will target and attack. Do not react.

Keeping emotions under control is the one factor that can make or break your situation.

Too much emotion and you risk being labeled a drama mama. Or too emotional if a man.

You will be attacked and lied about. The normal response is to become emotional. Don’t.

Remember that your narcissist is a pathological liar. Prepare for that.

In Court

Listen carefully to the question and turn it around in your mind to a positive for you. Try to think before you answer. Silence is golden when used correctly. It makes you look calm.

Be non emotional when attacked. “Well, Mr. Smith, isn’t it true you regularly beat the children?” (and if you don’t), then answer, “No, it isn’t true.” You don’t have to explain that when your then 2 year old ran out in traffic 12 years ago, you spanked him. Your spouse has probably lied to the attorney giving the deposition, so this will be your chance to set the record straight, but not with long winded explanations, just the short and simple truth.

Think of this as a game, a verbal game – opposing counsel is trying to rattle you.

Be calm, and when he says, “Isn’t it true you are on the computer all the time?” (meaning, “you neglect the family”) respond, “True, I have been on a lot, but my children’s book is now finished and will be published next month.” This deflates the opposition and rattles them as you begin to feel power.

Co Parenting With a Narcissist.

Male or female, this has to be one of the worst hells.  S/he will try all sorts of control maneuvers, perhaps through the attorney or on his own.  If there is one area you want information and to learn what to do, it is here. The courts are moving to default 50-50 custody arrangements. You will be forced to parenting classes.

You will have to arrange times for pick up. You may have enormous schedule changes.

And the narcissist in your life will find any excuse to make you look wrong, bad, uncooperative and as if you are not acting in the best interest of the child. DO NOT ENGAGE. DO NOT ENGAGE any more than necessary. If you are being told otherwise, get a second or third opinion.

Learn what the courts want to hear.

This is the best recommendation I can make.

AN ATTORNEY speaks on depositions with a narcissist

submitted by several people, the name of this attorney is unknown

I am an attorney and have recently gone through and finished a divorce with my ex-narcissist spouse.  I also had my deposition taken (I have taken many myself.) I hereby offer you some gratuitous legal and strategic advice which should by no means conflict with whatever your attorney tells you. Not knowing which state you live in, it is impossible for me to offer any specific legal advice, and it would be improper for me to do so anyway.  I scored a perfect “100″ in my deposition taken by my narcissist-ex and lawyer.

I adhered to the following rules:

1.  Never look at the Narcissist. The lack of attention will be very upsetting to the Narcissist. It  is a kind of narcissistic injury. Do not acknowledge their existence.

2.  Whether their lawyer believes their BS is irrelevant.  There is an old reworked saying – “Hell  hath no fury like the lawyer of a Narcissist scorned”. The lawyer may try to rattle you or make you uncomfortable. Ignore such attempts. Remain calm, cool and professional and answer all questions honestly and slowly. Give your lawyer time to object before you answer.

3.  Most Important!! ALWAYS tell the truth even if you think an answer to a question will make you look foolish, silly, or anything else. Do not attempt to explain your answers to make them sound better. Keep your answers brief and to the point. Do not ramble or tell stories.

Regarding Depositions: Just remember that the purpose of a deposition is not to change anyone’s mind. The purpose of a deposition is to “freeze” your testimony in writing so that any change or departure at trial can be used to hang you. That is why it is so important to tell the simple truth and not to embellish. Do not try to prove yourself right or narcissist wrong.

The time and place to deal with the narcissist is in the courtroom. Let your lawyer do his job. Family law judges are used to the lying and emotionality that goes along with divorces.  You must wear the white gloves and do nothing to indicate to the judge that you are sneaky or vengeful.

To summarize:

The real trick to beating a narcissist in court is twofold in nature.

FIRST: To catch them in a lie when they are on the stand is sublime.

But, you must have ABSOLUTE, UNCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the lie, proof  that is admissible in court by rules of evidence or by unassailable testimony.  When confronted with the impeaching evidence, a narcissist will react with fury, more lying (which will be visible to everyone except the narcissist) and will in general actively discredit themselves.

SECOND: The second part of the process is more subtle.  If possible, your counsel should structure the cross-examination of the narcissist to bring out and allow him to magnify his or her grandiose self.  It is often enough just to let the narcissist be himself or herself.  Emotionally-healthy  individuals can generally see through the false self and discern the true motives of the narcissist.

Remember, though, at the end of the day, family law courts are generally not interested in the emotional aspects of your divorce. Most states are “no fault” divorce states, and even though judges are people and have emotions, generally they are interested in numbers and custody issues. Judges do tend to ignore all the drama, but if you can get a narcissist to lie under oath and properly expose them, this will have a bearing on the witness’ credibility with the judge.

That is why it is SO important for us to tell the truth at all times no matter how foolish we may think we look AND for us to conduct ourselves in a calm, rational and dignified manner.

IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?

Why everyone can’t just “move on” and “choose a happy future”

Harvard trained M.D. and trauma expert  Dr. Frank Ochberg says  ”our culture now disparages, blames, isolates, and condemns someone for being a victim”.

Why are victims told to deny their reality?  Sometimes being sad is normal.  It doesn’t mean you stay there, but you don’t have to feel guilty for it. Sometimes you need help. The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed is flawed.

Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is often impaired.

Sometimes therapists makes the problem worse because they are not aware of what being the victim of a narcissist is really like. The phrase “move on with your life” is commonly used. Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, a home, savings, a family or job, this phrase can be another betrayal.

Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.

The entire infrastructure of a life is often destroyed.

When this happens the victim may be:

• stunned
• hypervigilant
• indigent
• betrayed
• depressed

and perplexed as to why they are expected to “choose” to not be a victim.

Give them a time machine and this can be done. Give them revictimization and it cannot.

The Word VICTIM:  It’s time to give that word back its status and in doing so, respect the abused.  Respect comes in the form of providing help with a compassionate approach to those stripped of dignity through abuse in courts of law, or by their partners.

What is the definition of a “victim”?

According to the dictionary a victim is: One who is harmed by, or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition; a person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.

The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions chaotic.

Why are victims revictimized?

Because it’s politically correct to say, “I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.”

Not all victims are the same.

Some have more resiliency than others. Some are without resources or support. Many have physiological changes that need to be addressed. And when those who need help come looking for it, instead of being welcomed, they find “helpers” that tell them they are responsible for their healing NOW. These people are revictimizing because “choice” is NOT always an option.

Reclaim the Word Victim

We must reclaim the word “victim” and renew our commitment to those who are victims. We should examine the role of a victim impact statement and victim advocate for those who are traumatized emotionally as well as from a criminal act.

Are you being victimized again by someone who says, “if you won’t stop being a victim. I won’t help you”? Maybe your attorney, therapist. siblings, or friends are claiming you can just choose to stop being a victim. Maybe they think you can start a company without money, and buy a house with bad credit. Maybe they don’t know what they are talking about.

As a victim of any kind of abuse you deserve:
1. Compassion
2. Validation
3  Freedom from theraputic verbal abuse
4. A support team to open doors to resources
5. A friend, therapist or counselor who can teach you the skills to rebuild your life.

Depending on who you are, this may take a long time or not. Variables include amount and length of abuse, health, supportive family or not, finances, genetic explanatory style (optimism or pessimism), coping skills you may already have and many others. As a victim, you have the right to say, “STOP” to those who blame the victim. An entire self help industry has arisen that believes if you just really really wanted to, you can be happy and healthy and fully functional as soon as you choose to be. A starting point for recovery are post traumatic stress sites. There you will find trained and compassionate support people with articles that explain trauma healing methods.

What I Did To Help Women Like Yourself

(Men, I am not ignoring you, but this one is for the women. Everything is just as true for you about being a victim.)

I know what it is like to be the victim of a narcissist -  the day after day after day attacks to break you, the changing of reality to suit themselves, the rages…I had it done to me.  I may be genetically predisposed to resilience and optimism but he was getting to me.  No doubt about that, but I freed myself from being his victim and I work with people showing them how to reclaim their lives, be happy and move on – when they are ready.  And when they move on, it is on their terms and no one else’s.  I wrote a little guide for my clients  about how to have a “do-over” in life. It isn’t just for victims of narcissim, but for anyone.

The feedback was so positive they told me to make it available to others. I think you are going to like this because it’s written to be real, cut to the chase and it talks to women, not men. And because I care.

No one should be miserable. Here’s to Life, Love, and YOU!  CLICK HERE

a little more information:

The Scientific Basis of Healing, Happiness and Recovery

It doesn’t matter if you call yourself a victim, survivor or Martian. No one should deny you victim status. It is what is. A victim is not a slothlike creature, nor stupid. Nor is a victim responsible for what happened to her and we must stop worrying about language and start helping. A victim is a person with a life in chaos. What matters is that you get the help you need and the compassionate trained person to give you the skills.

The good news is that happiness is trainable, resiliency comes back and psychologists are moving from the Freudian model which has dominated psychology for too long and was wrong to boot, to a model that moves from pathology as the dominant scheme. The process of de-traumatization begins with validation. It then moves to retraining explanatory style. Depending on the depth and time of the abuse, it may take a long or short time to process to empowerment and control. IT IS NOT NECESSARY to analyze every event. It IS necessary to be heard and listened to and to tell your story. But not over and over to everyone who will listen. Validation is critical.

Verbal Abuse Support Page

 ”I Think I am Having A Nervous Breakdown”

That’s what many people say. Find out what’s happening and why.

Are You The Victim of a Liar?

LOVE, BETRAYAL, DIVORCE

Feeling sane is a matter of feeling in control.  

The narcissist doesn’t want you in control of your feelings or emotions. He wants you off guard, feeling chaotic, despair and need.  You may end up angry, depressed and sometimes suicidal.

But you don’t have to.

There are ways to navigate this journey.  There are practical, down to earth strategies that are exactly what is needed to take control and lose the feeling of going crazy.

In myths of old, perilous journeys are metaphors for the trials and tribulations we endure to develop strength.  It is important not to have a victim mentality.  Don’t despair. You are not mentally ill, you are injured. Getting to the other side of this means finding strength that will be with us for the rest of our lives. Life CAN get better.

“Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in awful bills.” Minna Antrim

My new book explains thriving and surviving narcissism in a series of short essays geared to everyone for every occasion a narcissist can bring to the table.

Fight or Flight

Slow down.  You are not “crazy”. You are feeling the physical reaction to extreme trauma and stress. Your reaction is normal.  It is an awful feeling, but normal under the circumstances.

Your body is in the fight or flight mode and you feel the physicality of your stress.  Cortisol and adrenaline, the stress hormones, are flowing through your body causing your heart to race and your breathing to become shallow.  (Deep breathing really does help switch from the panic mode to a calmer mode, done deeply enough which means your belly expands as a baby’s does when breathing, then completely emptying the lungs switches you over to the calming side of your nervous system, away from the fight or flight.  Give it a chance. Don’t try once then give up. Stay with it. Tell yourself you are in charge of your emotions, that you are learning how not to be a victim, then change your body to feel that way. It CAN work.)

Women and Madness

In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:

We now understand that women and men are not “crazy” or “defective”when, in response to trauma, they develop post traumatic symptoms,including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety,depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal.

Oppression causes bodily changes. These changes make you think you are going crazy.  There is a difference between a mental illness and a psychological injury.  Victims of abuse are not mentally ill, they have been injured.  Healing does happen.  We  find ways to move from victim to not-victim.

A Sense of Entitlement and Domestic Violence

We now understand more about what trauma is, and what it does. We understand that chronic, hidden family/domestic violence is actually  more, not less, traumatic than sudden violence at the hands of a  stranger, or of an enemy during war. We understand that after even a  single act of abuse, physical violence is only infrequently needed to  keep one’s victim in a constant state of terror, dependent on her  captor and tormentor.

Victims of narcissists are often not believed.  They become the victims of character assassination, betrayals, lies and manipulations. The shredded dirty fragments of a narcissistic self are thrown on them and at times they mirror their behavior.  The reaction is to become horrified.  Or to cower and shake. It is time to reframe, renew, exit learned helplessness and begin to pick up the pieces for renewal, hope and optimism and a future orientation. Allowing the narcissist to remain in control is destructive.

“Courage is resistance and mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”  

Mark Twain 

Read this when you feel powerless:

Skills For Dealing With Narcissism
by Bruce Gregory, Ph.D

Most people feel victimized by narcissistic forces and narcissists.  This is because they have felt consistently oppressed, suppressed, or frustrated by narcissistic forces   This becomes problematic in terms of achieving sustainability.

When one is in a “victim state,” one sees the oppressor as the enemy, as the one with the power, and as a result, the victim is easily manipulated into frustration and anger.  The narcissist will utilize this dynamic to incite people into emotional states which can be exploited into distractions from the core issues.

Skills for dealing with attempts to intimidate can be divided into two areas, intrapersonal and interpersonal.

Intrapersonally, it is essential not to react.  This means that reactions of fear, impatience, or anger are not  practical.  In their place should be patience and curiosity.  On an interpersonal level, responses and questions like, “that’s interesting; could you explain  that?; or, “I am not clear about that; would you please clarify (or elaborate)?; or, “it seems like there is a contradiction in your logic.”

All of these can generate positive results in terms of reducing the control of the narcissistic forces.  This is done through the non-reaction, which communicates, “you are not so powerful that you can manipulate me, or us, and distract us from the issue.  It is also done through the questions which communicate, “I/we are not afraid of you; we are not leaving the space/situation to your control alone; we will challenge you if necessary; you cannot win through intimidation or disinformation.”

Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance.  The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism’s actions or positions personally.

The narcissist, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it.

In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist’s world and take what is going on personally.

Narcissism’s actions are indiscriminate.  They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination and grandiosity.  An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person’s emotions to penetrate one’s own personal space.

NARCiSSiSTiC ABUSE doesn’t have to spoil your life

Not sure if he or she is a narcissist or just a jerk?

THE JOY OF EX: Freedom from relationship tyranny, control and manipulation.

When you are manipulated or treated badly, labels are less important than knowing that something needs to change.  However, you
can’t change anyone else but changing your thoughts and actions is under your control and something you can do.

You have options, but turning a jerk, sociopath, psychopath, or narcissist into prince charming isn’t one of them.

If the abuse is wearing you down, plan your exit. If you aren’t certain you can do so, pat yourself on the back for getting this far.  The future may be bumpy, but if you think things through and keep emotions under control, don’t rush or make rash decisions, you can do it.

TIP:  When leaving, don’t enrage and don’t engage.  Stay calm; now is not the time to push buttons or get  revenge.

All the things you wanted to know and need to know, because it’s time to take care of yourself:

Let’s Talk About Narcissism (Because I’m Tired of You and It’s Time for ME!)

Ann Bradley, M.A University of Pennsylvania, Antioch College, Stanford University 

How You Got Here and How To Not Make the Same Mistake

You do not have to be the victim of narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder) forever.  You don’t have to lose your confidence, hope and passion for life because you are in a relationship with a narcissist. This experience can be a catalyst for growth and self respect and learning how to cope with difficult events and circumstances.  You can learn the skills to move beyond.

If you aren’t sure why you picked an abuser or how you got yourself in this position, you will feel better if you learn why.  Understanding this can be a relief, and help you now and in the future.

Knowing the characteristics can help you so you never are involved, ever again, in a toxic relationship.  Find out what the research says and how this can help you. When you understand you will find this will help you become happier, more self assured and you will not blame yourself, but will make good decisions and have good relationships.

TIP: Don’t enrage the narcissist in your life. He or she will make you pay.  Stay calm and plan your exit.  Don’t give in to ‘letting it all out’.  Narcissists don’t forget and they like revenge. Your ‘outing’ of him or her adds to his narcissistic injury.  A narcissist needs to look good in front of others and you gain nothing by proving he is not the best, smartest, wealthiest, most capable person he wants tobe seen as. 

You have a right to a life without fear, anger, betrayal and put downs. The part of what makes someone a victim of narcissistic abuse is not cast in stone. Flexibility is at the core of human life and the ability to reinvent one’s self can be tapped into to leave the abusive situation.

Life isn’t always fair, but it can be good.  I wrote this guide for women who want a good life and who want to make peace with their past so the future will be good, and want to laugh again. Embrace the joy, it’s yours for the taking:

Power Guide for Women

NO EMPATHY – OUCH!

A hurtful act is the transference to others of the degradation which we bear in ourselves.  - Simone Weil

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.  - Oscar Wilde

You are not a person to a narcissist and  therefore you will never receive empathy from them.  Your pain is invisible or, if pointed out, is of no consequence.  If you cry, “You don’t understand” that is true.  Relating to, support of, caring what you experience, and understanding what you are going through, is not available in a relationship with a narcissist. You walk alone.

Relating to A Narcissist

Watching a narcissist ingratiate himself to those he wants to please and from whom he wants admiration, you becomes an observer of the morphing from one persona to another. When I see the calm demeanor, the charming pleaser, the one who “could not possibly ever rage”, I am reminded of why dealing with a narcissist has been called living a war that never ends.

Finding out that someone you love has no understanding of others feelings and pain can hit like a ton of bricks. Every awakening experienced seems like the worst. “I never felt your pain.” is how my husband showed me his narcissism.  I had just finished telling him how I had always felt his pain and  used that as an excuse for his behavior (“oh, he suffered so much, I’ll let that go, I won’t challenge him, he’s had enough”).

People wonder what is wrong with those  that marry, live and stay with a narcissist. There is nothing wrong, except their fear of the Pandora Box Effect. If you challenge the status quo, find your voice, and let people know what living with this person is really like, you unleash enormous rage .

Disengaging

Disengaging from a narcissist is having a strength that wasn’t there before. It is the strength to look at those who can not see your pain and not despair of their less than normal reaction. During a marriage you may not be fully cognizant of the situation. Emotional distancing and lack of questions about you or desire to know how you feel or to discuss  problems is not normal. Living with a narcissist means never having to say, “I exist.” It means acting as if you are sorry all the air isn’t available for them. It’s a rotten way to live. But we don’t have to stay there once we know what we are dealing with.

Words have power. Name the illness and it loses some of its power. With a narcissist that isn’t as easy as with other situations. He will not care that you have been hurt or damaged by him, he will not care that you are in pain or even dying. He will stop at nothing to hurt you if you go against him.

A man who cares will not scream: “I’d rather pay the IRS than child support.”  But this same man will NEVER let anyone else see this side of him.  He must keep the public face in a public place, at any cost.

The Narcissist and His Attorney

A narcissists lawyer!  Now there’s a nightmare if he too is a narcissist.  My husband’s lawyer asked him: “Do you want me to hit her over the head with a 2×4?”  When he was told my husband would rather pay the IRS than child support, he laughed in my face and said: “Well, there’s your answer, Ann.”

I’m not sure what the question was, but does it matter?  They too do not care – certainly not about the damage they create in the family.  Mothers try and hold the family together, lawyers pull them apart. The pain of mother and child is collateral damage. This mother will not let this go unsaid: if lawyer’s were held accountable for what damage they create, the courts would be overflowing. If mothers and children could sue  – and who ever hears of the disenfranchised and disempowered and disrespected suing – then they would be in court all the time to receive justice. But justice doesn’t exist with a narcissist and his narcissistic lawyer. Annihilation, winning at any cost, damage control, but never justice.

Sometimes your intuition is telling you something just isn’t right but you aren’t quite sure what it might be. There are red flags that, once you know them, can be the window to understanding your gut feelings.

Do you find yourself in a relationship that gives you some concern? Are you afraid this person has some “issues” that might cause a lot of trouble?  Does your gut tell you something isn’t right?  Do some fact checking and answer these questions:

1.  Does he rage and then apologize and promise it will never happen again? How many times do you need to see this before you recognize this as a tactic of an abuser? Once is enough. Two times is too much.  Go.
2. Is he ‘too good to be true’?  Is he your soul mate? knight in shining armor? And you know this on the second or third date?  Better step back and give this one some time.  No one is perfect and often abusers are charming and manipulative.
3.  Does he ask you for money?  Does he never take you someplace nice for dinner?  Being thrifty is fine, but being pathological about money is not.  Watch out for clues such as a someone with a good job that never spends money.  Narcissists do not have a normal relationship with money.
4.  Does he spend money unwisely? The other pathology surrounding money is that of the show – off.  The man with huge roll of bills who is always buying drinks for the bar, but doesn’t know how to save for the house.
5. Is he insensitive to your needs, often making fun of you?  Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel bad!
6.  Does he have a need to control situations?  To control you?  While this may feel comforting, it is infantalizing and you are a grown person now who needs to make her own decisions.
7.  Does he have a good persona in front of others?  Do they think he is “just great”? while you know better?

You have a right to be treated with respect. The narcissist is incapable of doing so. Narcissistic personality disorder is just that – a disorder of the personality. People in these relationships find that over time things get worse, not better. Don’t marry a narcissist. Don’t think you can change one.  You can’t.

You can change yourself. More self confidence will lead to less neediness. It’s better to be alone than with an abuser.

Charm is a facade, manipulation will wear you down, and one day you will find dreams have turned into a nightmare if you stay with a toxic partner.

Manipulation Is Control And No One Wins

The personality disordered charm and con and manipulate easily. Narcissists are very good at manipulation.

How Do I Know If I Am Being Manipulated?

If you feel like you can’t be heard, if you are afraid of being put down, if you give in when you don’t want to and feel powerless to change, if you lack assertiveness, if you are blamed all the time and told you are responsible for what is wrong, you are being manipulated. If you feel like a victim or martyr, you are being manipulated.

Why Do People Manipulate?

Because they can. Because they have problems and found that manipulating is a good way to get what they want. The victim’s compliance rewards them.

Can I Stop The Manipulator?

You can change your behavior and your reactions. This will change the manipulator. It takes two to make the manipulation work. If you empower yourself to change, you can stop the manipulation.

How Do I Empower Myself?

You already have! Here, you are gaining information. That’s the key to change. Learning to recognize the manipulators and their tactics is the first step. Learning what your personal attributes are that makes you vulnerable to manipulation and understanding manipulation techniques and how to respond is the next step.

Is There A Way Out?

Of course. The cycle of control can be broken and you can learn what the methods are to do this. Learning how “boundaries” work is one step. Finding the right words to respond to a manipulator is another.

How, Why???

Some are manipulated, controlled, harassed, discriminated against or assaulted in some way and can’t figure out how they got here or how to get out. What confuses us is that the perpetrator tries to make us feel as if we deserved to be treated this way.

The narcissists believe they have a right to treat us this way and that their acts against us are necessary and right. However, these actions are never right, they are always wrong and they must stop.

What are some of these actions? They include put downs, outbursts, humiliating remarks, lies, “gaslighting”, rages, assaults, yelling, intimidation, threats, belittling, betrayals, judging and criticizing. Our reaction can be a mixture of rage, fear, timidity or confusion.

Quite often the person controlling or manipulating is trying to define us so his actions are validated. If lies are told about the victim, making her appear in a negative light, the abuser then feels justified in his actions. At this point, he may enjoin others in his betrayal and manipulation by telling them lies about her, and by portraying himself as the victim he is rewarded with their sympathy.

What can you do?

There are many things , depending on the situation.

It is helpful to find a validator who can help you regain a sense of self to fight back. In conjunction with that, we speak the truth, we do not respond to nonsense as if it were reality, we escape, we help others, we protect our children, we look the abuser in the eye and say, “What are you talking about?” We make sure we are safe. We recognize our boundaries and do not let others cross them. We connect with others, and we wake up to our own strengths. Trauma can expand us and help us grow, it does not have to destroy.

If you are thinking of leaving your partner you need a plan. People are sometimes so anxious to get out they rush into exiting the relationship without a strategy. This is not the way to do it with a narcissist.

If married, a divorce without a plan could mean you end up losing custody or a home.  Ask yourself, “What is my goal and how am I going to get there?”  And then factor in that this is a narcissist and understand things are done differently with a narcissist.

TIP: You do not have to remain the victim of a narcissistic parent and you can choose to set boundaries to keep them from bothering you in your adult life.

Life After…Moving To Happy

You Have Many Possible Futures

Which One Will You Choose?

Your Fault?   NO!

You may have been told for so long that everything was your fault, can’t do anything right, you’re not smart, and so all of a sudden, you don’t know your strengths and the things that are right, and good, and healthy about you.

Try this:  you identified an abnormal relationship and you took action. That meant you used certain character strengths – you used wisdom and  perseverance.  You nurtured your children; that means you have the capacity to love and be loved.  You aren’t dumb and it isn’t your fault and I want you to get back in the game of life now! So jump in and read my outrageously named book on the site I put up…because I wanted to! and I wanted to call it dumb blonde and I did.

A Quick Fun, Easy to Read Get Back on Track Book and Choose one of Your Many Possible Futures!

This is a fun to read self help guide will make you laugh, encourage you,  and help you get back on the road to happiness again.  Find out why dumb blondes aren’t and how to find fun and go places without an abuser hanging around!

Go ahead…see what you can do, who you can be!

A LITTLE GUIDE FOR BIG GIRLS: A One Hour Fast Track Guide to Do-Overs 

Click Here TO GET HAPPY without therapy!

“This  book is a blessing. Organized, thoughtful and full of pain and how to deal with it, I salute you for telling us your story and analyzing the “divorce industry” as you call it. You have saved my daughter thousands, she learned what to say in court, and best of all she got custody.”

This is a guidebook and my story. A how to plan for a difficult divorce:  Divorcing A Narcissist: The Book

If You Are Ready To:

• Live Without  A Toxic  Partner,
• Learn the Steps To Take Before You Say You Are Leaving,
• Learn How To Make Your Next Relationship a Good One (what red flags to look for)
•  Re-engage With Life after Divorce

THEN YOU ARE READY TO LEARN
what to do
how to do it
when to do it

HOW TO LEAVE
If narcissistic personality disorder or other emotional abusers  are ruining your life, take action. The narcissist does not get better, but you can.  Many people are both afraid to leave and afraid to stay thinking they are alone and nothing can be done.

Often, upscale abusers are perceived as being able to buy their way out,  leaving the abused  feeling completely powerless.  Learned helplessness means you think you have no power to change a situation. It leads to depression.  IT IS NOT  PERMANENT.  You have the ability to change yourself, your beliefs and a bad situation.  You can UNlearn the feeling of helplessness.

Action is the antidote to depression.

Life can be good again. In fact, the more you act positively, the more your brain changes.

Ann, you have touched and positively healed  so many deeply injured people and that certainly includes me.  You have been my lifeline a million times, I have felt understood by you and not alone, you have educated and encouraged me, I have learned from you that I am not crazy, just badly traumatized including physically by the relentless domestic and legal aggression and the losses I have absorbed. Oh, Ann, you have helped me fight off a terrible sense of humiliation, shame and guilt.. And for being fatigued and sick and weepy. You are part of my clawing my way back up….E.K.

And More…

Go here and find the rest of this site. It’s chock full of information on identifying a narcissist, divorcing a narcissist, choosing the right attorney for this situation, and custody information specific to difficult divorce situations.

Identifying red flags in relationships so you don’t make the same mistake again. Ever wonder why you choose the same bad partner over and over again? You can break free of this cycle and kiss abuse good-bye forever!

The eBook…that takes you through my divorce with a narcissist.  Startling description of fraud, tax evasion, emotional abuse, survival techniques and a look at the legal system.

If you want to see what divorcing a narcissist is like, this personal journey will show you why you need to prepare, plan and get help.

DIVORCE: The Real Truth, The Hidden Dangers, Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism