Divorce
and The
Narcissist
Keeping emotions
under control is the one factor that can make or
break your situation.
Too much emotion and
you risk being labeled a drama mama. Or too emotional if a man.
You will be attacked
and lied about. The normal response is to become emotional. Don't.
In Court
Listen
carefully to
the question and turn it around in
your mind to a positive for you.
Try to think before
you
answer.
Be non emotional when
attacked. "Well, Mr. Smith, isn't it true
you
regularly beat the
children?" (and if
you don't), then answer, "No, it
isn't true." You don't have to explain
that when your then 2
year
old
ran out in traffic 12 years ago, you spanked him. Your
spouse has
probably lied to the attorney giving the deposition, so this will be
your chance
to set the record
straight, but not with long winded
explanations, just the short and simple truth.
Think of this as a
game, a verbal game - opposing counsel is trying to rattle you.
Be calm,
and when he says,
"Isn't it true you are on the computer all
the time?" (meaning, "you neglect
the family") respond,
"True, I have
been on a lot, but my children's book is now finished and
will be
published next month." This deflates the opposition and rattles them as
you begin to feel
power.
Co Parenting With a Narcissist.
Male or female, this has to
be one of the worst hells. S/he will try all sorts of control
maneuvers,
perhaps through the attorney or on his own. If there is one area
you want
information
and to learn what to do, it is here. The courts are moving to default
50-50
custody
arrangements. You will be forced to parenting classes.
You
will have to arrange times for pick up. You may have enormous schedule
changes.
And
the narcissist in your life will find any excuse to make you look
wrong, bad, uncooperative
and
as if you are not acting in the best interest of the child. DO NOT
ENGAGE. DO NOT ENGAGE
any
more than necessary. If you are being told otherwise, get a second or
third opinion.
This
is the best recommendation I can make. Read CO PARENTING
NIGHTMARE
AN
ATTORNEY speaks on
depositions with a narcissist.
(submitted by
several people, the
name of this attorney is unknown)
I am an attorney and have
recently gone through and finished a divorce with my ex-narcissist
spouse. I also had my deposition taken (I have taken many
myself.)
I hereby offer you some gratuitous legal and strategic advice which
should by no means conflict with whatever your attorney tells you. Not
knowing which state you live in, it is impossible for me to offer any
specific legal advice, and it would be improper for me to do so
anyway. I scored a perfect "100" in my deposition taken by my
narcissist-ex and lawyer.
I adhered to the following rules:
1. Never look at the Narcissist. The lack of
attention will be very upsetting to the Narcissist. It is a kind
of
narcissistic injury. Do not acknowledge their existence.
2. Whether their lawyer believes their BS is
irrelevant. There is an old reworked saying - "Hell hath no
fury like
the lawyer of a Narcissist scorned". The lawyer may try to rattle you
or make you uncomfortable. Ignore such attempts. Remain calm, cool and
professional and answer all questions honestly and slowly. Give your
lawyer time to object before you answer.
3. Most Important!! ALWAYS tell the truth even
if you think an answer to a question will make you look foolish, silly,
or anything else. Do not attempt to explain your answers to make them
sound better. Keep your answers brief and to the point. Do not ramble
or tell stories.
Regarding Depositions: Just remember that the purpose of a deposition
is not to change anyone's mind. The purpose of a deposition is to
"freeze" your testimony in writing so that any change or departure at
trial can be used to hang you. That is why it is so important to
tell the simple
truth and not to embellish. Do not try to prove yourself right or
narcissist
wrong.
The time and place to deal with the narcissist is in the
courtroom. Let
your
lawyer do his job. Family law judges are used to the lying
and emotionality that goes along with divorces. You must wear
the white gloves and do nothing to indicate to the judge that you are
sneaky or vengeful.
To
summarize:
The real trick to beating a narcissist in court is twofold in nature.
FIRST: To catch them in a lie when they are on the stand is sublime.
But, you must have ABSOLUTE, UNCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the lie,
proof that is admissible in court by rules of evidence or by
unassailable
testimony. When confronted with the impeaching evidence, a
narcissist
will react with fury, more lying (which will be visible to
everyone except the narcissist) and will in general actively discredit
themselves.
SECOND: The second part of the process is more subtle. If
possible,
your counsel should structure the cross-examination of the narcissist
to bring out and allow him to magnify his or her grandiose
self. It is often enough just to let the narcissist be himself or
herself. Emotionally-healthy individuals can generally see
through the false self and discern the true motives of the narcissist.
Remember, though, at the end of the day, family law courts are
generally not
interested in the emotional aspects of your divorce. Most states are
"no fault"
divorce states, and even though judges are people and have emotions,
generally they are interested in numbers and custody issues.
Judges do tend to ignore all the drama, but if you can get a narcissist
to lie under
oath and properly expose them, this will have a bearing on the witness'
credibility with the judge.
That is why it SO important for us to tell the truth at all times no
matter how
foolish we may think we look AND for us to conduct ourselves in a calm,
rational and dignified manner.
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