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The Clueless Mate’s Guide to Staying In a Relationship

 Women – Is he screwed up?  Dysfunctional?  Distant?  Cold?  Emotionally unavailable.?

manwatchingtv


Then get this guidebook in his hands now and if it doesn’t work, get out your courage and your walking shoes.

MEN:

Yes, you – the one with one hand on your crotch and the other on the remote.  Watching porn, porn, wonderful porn…my god, you have it all over the place. No more Playboy stashes – it’s on your hard drive and your hard on is not far behind.

Ok – put down the remote long enough to let the part of your brain that sends hormones coursing through your body with visuals rest a bit. We have important things to talk about and even though you don’t like to read too many words, get over it. TY. If this is 2MI, think of your gf and the D8 you want.

Ok, that’s it. Now, you read.

ARE YOU A jerk, sociopath, narcissist, passive-agressive?

I don’t care. All of those paths lead to misery for someone you want to relate to. And if you dump her for the honeymoon phase of the next one and the next and the next, soon you will find you are old and the only one you are capable of chasing is the nurse in the rest home and she is so not interested. 

ADVANTAGES to losing some, not all, just some, of your Bad Boy habits: more sex, calm brain, a friend to help, longer life, you get what you want without a fight, better food, more friends, invites to places you like and ohmygod, you actually get frigging happier.

You think you are happy? Brother, you are so wrong. Wipe that smirk off your face and listen to me. No dysfunctional is happy. Ok, maybe some. But trust me, they are few and far between. Oh, you don’t trust me? That’s part of the problem and let’s start there.

TRUST: BIG, BIG ISSUE in a woman’s life. It is hard wired. Just like her breasts were hardwired to grow at puberty, her brain is hardwired to want to trust a man. Nope. Correction. She needs to trust a man. It’s evolution and I am sure you can figure out why, a zillion years ago, the one in the cave with the babies needed the one out hunting to be dependable. He absolutely could not be heading to the local Man Cave for the brew du jour and leaving them alone for long periods of time. Death, starvation. Yep…causes fear.

So, get this: you are needed to be trustworthy. She needs to know she can depend on you. You do not spend the paycheck before the bills are paid, you do not let her think there will be no food for the kid and you call and you email and you pay attention. Because paying attention is a lot cheaper than paying a divorce lawyer and that’s where you will be if you don’t pay attention.  Why is paying attention important? Because it gives her this message: I can trust you.

Ok, so you screw up sometimes. We understand. But there are boundaries. LEARN THEM.

Here’s mine:  He says, “If I still know you then…” 


Ann Bradley

3 Comments

  1. I sit here day after thanksgiving 2014. I find myself still trying to figure out what exactly I did that had my spouse of 38 years, 11 months, 3 days seek emotional support from a female (33 yrs old) whom we both knew and had an 8 year relationship. She was our massage therapist & friend. Now I have learned that this was going on for quite sometime.

    They actually went out to dinner and start the transition from 2013 to 2014 together complete with photo of the 2 of them sitting together so close they looked conjoined. Of note myself and some of our grown children and grandchildren were camping and being together and he was with her!!

    He spent the next 4 month thinking of her, texting, phone calls, purchasing her Starbucks and dropping in at her job just to gaze at her, give her the tasty beverage and this went on and on. He then began to purchase her gifts dropping in just to give her the gift. The last time they were face to face he had a massage scheduled, he was so into her when he arrived that evening he “did not even want the massage! He sttk her the tasty beverage gave her a little gift and just wanted to talk and talk and talk!!!! This ended when she finally told him he needed to leave the office and she would not see him again. Of course the backlash of this was mine to receive.

    Another major factor in this implosion of a 38+ year marriage was the fact I became medically ill and was out of work 2 months. Needed care to get well enough to have surgery. This man I now realize I do not know had no compassion. He left me to fend for myself. He took me to ER one night at my insistence and took me to surgery. Stay in hospital overnight. He picked me up, we drove by pharmacy got medications, he drove me home. I entered the AirStream we have (and it is a great place to be when I’ll because it is small, quiet, and just a great place. The door shut behind me and he never entered again to even check on me. That is a level of cruelty I hope to never understand. Now all these months later I have moved the AirStream off the property as I could no longer live in the driveway and watch him come and go. He quickly became very cruel, he says things NO MAN I know would say; he began of course with my physical appearance, I am now MANLY, by upbringing, my family anything and everything. Mocking me (that is a feeling that cuts deep). I went from being the woman he publically talked about with such pride for decades to a nothing, a no one, unbalanced, bat sh– crazy, calls me things that no wife should ever hear!!! Yes the 4 letter word C__T no woman ever wants to hear. He blames me for everything in our lives and he has spent months talking about me to anyone that would listen. Has surrounded self with a support system of 4 women in their late 30’s. He is 66 yrs old. He is the primary babysitter for one of our granddaughters and these women (3 of them)are involved as they run the school the granddaughter attends. They are just there daily to hear his stories of poor pop-pop. The other is the dry drunk across the street that he spends much time with talking about all other people. I have supported our family as he would not keep a job. I did not mind becoming educated and taking on that role. He took on the household and other necessary life tasks. How in the world am I the bad person in all of this. When he was dropped by the massage therapist his rage and humiliation exploded and my life became very public. Every word and deed talked about, lies told. This man I no longer even contacted my employer (I am a nurse practitioner and my boss had been my friend for several years). As I was home recovering I made a statement that I was going to quit this job and might even move)! He contacted her to say ” you know she has been medically il and I just want to make sure if she was thinking of quitting would they be mindful of my state of mind (as it relates to just having surgery) and let him know if this was happening because he would certainly want to “help me through this) AND LET’S NOT TELL HER ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION !!!!!!!! Well of course my first day back at work my boss, my friend, part of my support system, immediately came and told me what he had done. Going to a persons place of employment is another kind of evil that the word cruel just does not cover. I don’t even know why I am pecking away here on my iPad the day after Thanksgiving. I don’t know what I as seeking. I still cry and that makes me furious. He is so hell bent on making me the awful person. I know after all,of this began he “circled the wagons of our grown children and our friends” (these are his words) and they are all around him and I have no one! Well this is not true but the truth really does not matter to him. Being cruel and saying awful things is his daily MO.
    AND nowhe has no responsibility in why our marriage imploded. I am the reason because as I was learning about all the wrongs (not from him) my reactions are the reason we are in this situation. He threw the explosive device into the house, that does not matter at all in his mind. What matters and what continues to provide him with things to hen peck to others (the 3-4women in his daily life) is MY REACTION. Not his deeds but MY EXTREME REACTION. I can’t get myself out of my own way to even ponder how to cut this cancer out.
    I am the victim of an emotional affair and betrayal by,my husband and friend. Imam the one now living along after decades of being with others. He only writes emails with words that a thesaurus is needed to figure our and then the basic awful words about my appearance the kind of employee I am (note I am 59 years old I have had 3 jobs my entire nursing career) he is deemed unemployable and receives money each month for his 100% service connected disability for PTSD and being unemployable) he now has an income “the disability >$6,000 monthly in the direct deposit every 30 days. Soooooo now he does not have to count solely on my income.
    I have no clue how to make this change without constantly feeling that I can’t let this end in the lying betrayal manner it is ending. I am in therapy. He of course mocks my therapist. She has me on diazepam and Effexor. He calls this well respected psychiatrist a pill pusher who has no idea about anything real. My family he mocks and casts judgements on them all, my friends, my work
    ” those poor veterans that have the unfortunate luck of the draw to have you as their provider, my own physical appearance, anything and everything he has something awful to say about it.
    He is now the poor victim of me and has been for decades. Finally only March 3, 2014 he saw a crack in the door of our marriage and he had “A LIGHTNING BULB MOMENT AND ABLE TO FREE MYSELF FROM YOU”!!!!!
    What a complete sucker punch this was not only to me but others, our grown children, our grandchildren everyone but his 3 gal pals that think he is the victim in all of this.
    I have said from the start that the humiliation he felt when he was asked to leave the massage therapist office was more than he could face.
    And the rest of the s__t followed.

    Now after pecking away at this iPad key board I think that I should check myself into a psych hospital. All of this is very clear….. So what am I looking for????

  2. What are you looking for? You already know this, but you are looking for validation of your feelings. Don’t worry, you are correct. I was with a narcissist for many years. Became very ill physically and emotionally. You do not love yourself (as I didn’t either) otherwise you would not take this for so many years. Somewhere in your life you developed self-esteem. Where did it come from? Only you know. I know where mine came from. I’m 55 and it took all these years to figure this out. Love yourself first from now on. You are too old to let people (anyone, even your kids) to walk all over you. Start now and start giving yourself everything you want. You will never ever be happy with this man. Don’t ever fall for someone like that again. I am single and lonely, but I’d take this any day then go through that crap again. It’s hard for the first year of being on your own, but after that you start liking it. Remember God doesn’t make mistakes, there is no one else in the whole wide world that is like you. You are an original. Love the person God made, and that is you, my dear. I hope you don’t mind my bluntness, but really trying to be helpful. Be in control of your own life from now on. Life is too damn short. What got me through all of these hard times, and still not over it, still in my mind, but it was through prayer everyday and studying the bible. God Bless.

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