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STORY THREEWHAT YOU SEE IS NOT WHAT YOU GET - MARRIAGE, DIVORCE
AND THE EVIL OF NARCISSISMIf warning labels could be put on narcissists this would be a good one. It's a cautionary tale, a word to the wise story, a reality check story. How true about the desire to destroy you if you threaten them. I bet many of us recognize our situations in this story. Read it and know the horrors that lurk in the world of the narcissists.
I married into a family of narcissists in 1980. They did an excellent job at reflecting themselves as a kind, loving, close family. They were Scottish and professed to be close to their religion, to the religion I am. Professors of 'love'. and all the fruitages of the spirit. I felt safe with him but I became a victim of major Narcissistic Personality Disorder within a whole family.I had twins in 1981, and my last child in 1993. I stayed for 19 years. I thought marriage was forever and I was committed to upholding my sacred vows and to raising my children. My mate was a fine, upstanding person in our congregation. Very giving, caring, interested in others and their lives. Except he was not, it was just a reflection. He was not any of the above. He used his family. His family were the backstabbers: "oh, you are the best daughter-in-law a mother could ever have". Ans to others it was, "She has mental problems, she is not supportive, she makes things very difficult for my son".
My children were close to their grandparents while young. But when they got older they began to see them for what they really were. They were used within this NPD family, just like me. When they stood up for what they thought was unjust or right, they were labeled rebellious, with no respect for authority. And when they brought shame to their father, he blamed me for being the cause. I was the 'mental case with all the problems'. I was the 'psychoanalyzer'. He would say, 'if you only would follow the Bible principles...like for wives in Proverbs', or 'if you would just show me respect'....
This was the most challenging thing. He used the scriptures and twisted everything around. He felt he was the best provider in the world....materially. His guilt trip to me was always: I am so busy, making the living, providing for this family, you should be doing all the rest. I do not require you to work. Those guilt trips were quite frequent. He gave us everything: a fine home, the best clothes. Yes, he gave everything to us except respect, love, empathy, time. There were adulterous relationships I did not know about. No one knew. But when exposed and cornered he admitted to them. His family was appalled, but not at him. They saw him as the helpless victim of me. He even told our children I was to blame. To them, I was responsible for his immoral actions, because I did not give him what a wife should give her husband - according to them.
My story could fill a book, as most of ours could. But out of all this, I am a survivor. I think my biggest regret is that people do not recognize this serious disorder for how it destroys people's lives. Through the 19 years of living this war, I did not know about NPD. I was sheltered, I guess. My ex-husband liked that - it kept him AND his FAMILY hidden for almost 2 decades.
But now I know about this disorder that destroys people. Knowledge is power and I do what I can to educate others. I have been able to speak to my older children and to some of my friends. And maybe someone out there can be saved from becoming a victim of the evil web of narcissism.
NPD needs to be a recognized disorder. It hurts the victims, sometimes fatally. Narcissists are pathological liars. No matter what religion they are, how wholesome they appear to be, they are ill and narcissism is a disorder, like a malignant cancer. Except a person can live a lot longer with narcissism and it affects everyone they come in contact with. Some people are hurt, almost destroyed by them. Some only know the mirrored, decent side of them. Those being destroyed by a narcissist cannot expect much support because others do not see what is being done to us. They believe what the narcissist tells then. And believe me, they talk. These people that claim to love us, stab us in the back with lies and slander. Especially when the N's see we have caught on to their wicked ways. If by chance they ever see the other side of the N, they chalk it up to 'the poor thing, they are under so much stress, it can happen to the best of us.' Yes..................they are respected, decent, caring human beings to many others who do not know. But beware, if you become a threat to them, or if you expose them for who they really are they will vow to destroy you and make your life a living hell.
I want people to recognize this disorder. I want the courts and judges who put our children into the care of these devilish deceivers to know what narcissism is. People need to be informed of NPD and educated on how to recognize it. Ignorance of narcissism can only harm, not help.