Trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.
Thomas Fuller English clergyman & historian (1608-1661)
Betrayal, when realized, is a phenomenal existential feeling.
Suddenly your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question reality, but most of all you question yourself. “How”, you wonder, “could I have been so naive, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing?” It may be difficult to believe, but these questions are good.
YOU are the normal person, the one who aligns reality (‘he was so nice to me, he was my friend’) with a cognitive belief: he ACTS as if he likes me, he TELLS me he likes me, I see no reason not to believe him because in my past, people who act and speak this way, CAN be trusted. There is congruency. But not now.
Suddenly you learn that someone trusted – a spouse, lover, family member, close friend – has been putting you down, lying, manipulating others against you, and yet maintaining a stance of intimacy with you. The world is not clear, the ground you stand on is wobbly. You will never feel good about this. But you can get over it. You can do so by realizing that no matter how awful the betrayal, YOU are the normal person and this betrayal comes from rage. This person envies you, is enraged about it, and must put you down behind your back. They must harm you. They have no choice.
But you do. In the world of normals, after we get over the shock, we can use this experience to become stronger, to help others, to learn to avoid this particular toxin, and to calm ourselves that the higher moral ground is ours. It’s too bad this person acted as he did, we wish he did not, but we are NOT diminished by their pathology. Wiser, sadder, but never diminished.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I desperately need help, I have been brought to the brink of suicide more than once because of this. I am totally physically disabled now and trying to divorce this horrible man now. At this very moment he is tryinig to enforce his power over me. We have been separated for some time, the abuse continued even more. Because I filed first for divorce he is so enraged , now intends to use my adult children to testify against me. After all I am a small nobody who deserves nothing because I am the horrible person who broke emotionally and physically under this abuse. Look what you poor kids had to live with. I am so terrified of this man my body is trembling just trying to type this. Is there actually hope for the victim, because my fog is trying desperately to lift. I am starting to realize I do deserve to live
Of course you deserve to live. That is a given. Not only live, but live well. You are a person of value and need to realize this. Please look online for help. There are organizations that will give you the emotional and legal support you need to move forward. NOW (National Organization for Women) might be a good place to start. Also, look at this: http://www.avhotline.org/ or this: http://www.laawstl.org/ Please look at both and Google help for abused women if you need more. You will find help. You don’t have to do this alone. Best, Ann
Once the spell is broken you will be free. He still has that paralizing spell over you honey. Once u realize u are what contols your destiny and not him you will then have a differnt outlook, a different approach. You are strong u just doubt urself right now. Search wthin your soul and say outloud… I don’t deserve this. God gave me life and dammit I will live it with boundries.accept nothing less and u will see. Don’t fear him ..he puts his pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else. Seek the help ann recommended..We r here for you. U are not alone. ((Hugs)) ~ michelle