IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?
Why everyone can’t just “move on” and “choose a happy future”
Harvard trained M.D. and trauma expert Dr. Frank Ochberg says ”our culture now disparages, blames, isolates, and condemns someone for being a victim”.
Why are victims told to deny their reality? Sometimes being sad is normal. It doesn’t mean you stay there, but you don’t have to feel guilty for it. Sometimes you need help. The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed is flawed.
Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is often impaired.
Sometimes therapists makes the problem worse because they are not aware of what being the victim of a narcissist is really like. The phrase “move on with your life” is commonly used. Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, a home, savings, a family or job, this phrase can be another betrayal.
Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.
The entire infrastructure of a life is often destroyed.
When this happens the victim may be:
- stunned
- hypervigilant
- indigent
- betrayed
- depressed
and perplexed as to why they are expected to “choose” to not be a victim.
Give them a time machine and this can be done. Give them revictimization and it cannot.
The Word VICTIM: It’s time to give that word back its status and in doing so, respect the abused. Respect comes in the form of providing help with a compassionate approach to those stripped of dignity through abuse in courts of law, or by their partners.
What is the definition of a “victim”?
According to the dictionary a victim is: One who is harmed by, or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition; a person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.
The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions chaotic.
Why are victims revictimized?
Because it’s politically correct to say, “I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.”
Not all victims are the same.
Some have more resiliency than others. Some are without resources or support. Many have physiological changes that need to be addressed. And when those who need help come looking for it, instead of being welcomed, they find “helpers” that tell them they are responsible for their healing NOW. These people are revictimizing because “choice” is NOT always an option.
Reclaim the Word Victim
We must reclaim the word “victim” and renew our commitment to those who are victims. We should examine the role of a victim impact statement and victim advocate for those who are traumatized emotionally as well as from a criminal act.
Are you being victimized again by someone who says, “if you won’t stop being a victim. I won’t help you”? Maybe your attorney, therapist. siblings, or friends are claiming you can just choose to stop being a victim. Maybe they think you can start a company without money, and buy a house with bad credit. Maybe they don’t know what they are talking about.
As a victim of any kind of abuse you deserve:
1. Compassion
2. Validation
3 Freedom from theraputic verbal abuse
4. A support team to open doors to resources
5. A friend, therapist or counselor who can teach you the skills to rebuild your life.
Depending on who you are, this may take a long time or not. Variables include amount and length of abuse, health, supportive family or not, finances, genetic explanatory style (optimism or pessimism), coping skills you may already have and many others. As a victim, you have the right to say, “STOP” to those who blame the victim. An entire self help industry has arisen that believes if you just really really wanted to, you can be happy and healthy and fully functional as soon as you choose to be. A starting point for recovery are post traumatic stress sites. There you will find trained and compassionate support people with articles that explain trauma healing methods.
What I Did To Help Women Like Yourself
(Men, I am not ignoring you, but this one is for the women. Everything is just as true for you about being a victim.)
I know what it is like to be the victim of a narcissist - the day after day after day attacks to break you, the changing of reality to suit themselves, the rages…I had it done to me. I may be genetically predisposed to resilience and optimism but he was getting to me. No doubt about that, but I freed myself from being his victim and I work with people showing them how to reclaim their lives, be happy and move on – when they are ready. And when they move on, it is on their terms and no one else’s. I wrote a little guide for my clients about how to have a “do-over” in life. It isn’t just for victims of narcissim, but for anyone.
The feedback was so positive they told me to make it available to others. I think you are going to like this because it’s written to be real, cut to the chase and it talks to women, not men. And because I care.
No one should be miserable. Here’s to Life, Love, and YOU! CLICK HERE
a little more information:
The Scientific Basis of Healing, Happiness and Recovery
It doesn’t matter if you call yourself a victim, survivor or Martian. No one should deny you victim status. It is what is. A victim is not a slothlike creature, nor stupid. Nor is a victim responsible for what happened to her and we must stop worrying about language and start helping. A victim is a person with a life in chaos. What matters is that you get the help you need and the compassionate trained person to give you the skills.
The good news is that happiness is trainable, resiliency comes back and psychologists are moving from the Freudian model which has dominated psychology for too long and was wrong to boot, to a model that moves from pathology as the dominant scheme. The process of de-traumatization begins with validation. It then moves to retraining explanatory style. Depending on the depth and time of the abuse, it may take a long or short time to process to empowerment and control. IT IS NOT NECESSARY to analyze every event. It IS necessary to be heard and listened to and to tell your story. But not over and over to everyone who will listen. Validation is critical.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Ms Bradley,
Do you know any good resources for children of NPDs…especially the scapegoat child?
It has taken me into my 40 years to finally stop talking to my family, the damage was extremely deep.
Because my father was the NPD and he was physically violent with me throughout my childhood, it shaped my view of the world, and it is VERY difficult for me to trust. My mother stood by and LET HIM abuse me , rather than take the abuse herself…i was literally the wastebasket for the entire family, i had NO ONE ..the whole family still plays this game of make believe..and i JUST recently cut them off.
My Husband says my parents are just VILE people.
The parents are getting older now and are playing the “you owe me” game.
I don’t want to be a victim for the rest of my life..
Know any good resources for this?
Thanks for your time…and thank for your blog.
Sincerely
Erika
Hi Erika,
You just took the first big step to undoing the damage and this will empower you more than anything else. Drawing boundary lines in a dysfunctional family is critically important. This will serve you well. I recommend this book by an adult child of an NPD parent: http://www.amazon.com/Control-Unhealthy-Narcissists-Ruining-ebook/dp/B003GSM0KQ
You can also find it in print as well as ebook format. Beth has great insight and I think you will be well rewarded with this. Scapegoating is really painful – perhaps one of the cruelest attacks on another that can be done. Your luck of the draw to get parents like this but as you found out, walking away is always an option and a good one.
Thanks for writing and enjoy your freedom from their tyranny.
Ann
Hi Erika,
I’ve posted a resource at the bottom of the page, it’s a website dedicated to helping daughters of narcissistic mothers. It offers a lot of information and support on it’s forum, check it out at http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
It’s been a really big help for me,
best wishes,
gardenelf
Hi Ms. Bradley
Yes, it is extremely cruel to be told to “forget about it”, “move on” when that WAS the problem. I was the family scape goat for five children, but both parents were narcissists and my dad enjoyed hurting all of us, especially me. I finally found a compassionate therapist who listened instead of telling me I am the cause of being a victim. She even helped me understand that I am extremely bright to have invented my alters. I now even ask Fran where my stuff is.
Pingback: Stupid Celebrities Gossip » Not so Stupid Links for Tuesday
Hello~
Thank you for all the information and resources you provide on your website. It is really helping me understand the relationship I was in for a decade. We never married, but did bring a child into the world. There was emotional & physical abuse towards myself and my older children from a previous relationship. I finally separated from this man a year ago, and he recently began court proceedings against me to gain “residential custody” of our common child. In my view based on his behavior over the past year, this is his attempt to retaliate against me because I dared move on to a new relationship; and he also does not want to part with his money and have to pay any child support.
My question is: how do you help your child grow up with the least amount of damage when they idolize their father who has this disorder? When the court forces visitation with an abuser? When the abuser is able to put on such a good act in front of family, friends and those in the legal system — yet systematically brainwashes the child against the mother? In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that he has recruited certain family members AND close friends in a crusade to brainwash my child against me. I think he has accomplished this by making me out to be a wretched horrible person to everyone in his camp. None of these people have ever spent any time with me, to even KNOW anything about me — certainly not anything about me as a mother.
My child is 7 years old, and after every visit he has with his father, he speaks and acts in inappropriate ways (swearing, talking about sexually perverted things and thinking it’s funny etc.) and I am in a constant state of having to repair the harmful influence. I transform into the “behavior police” because I feel it is MY JOB to teach him what is respectful towards himself & others, and what is appropriate. It’s absolutely the most draining thing I’ve ever dealt with, and I’ve had prior relationships with men who abuse. I’m terrified that because my son is simmering in the narcissistic stew of his father’s powerful influence, that my son will literally become his father. I already see signs of my son in various stages of perfecting his own craft of nasty manipulation. I’ve started my son in child therapy, but that is just a half hour per week. The rest is up to me for the times that he is with me.
I thought I was escaping the abuse, and through my child it continues. Help?!
Hi
I am not surprised this is going on and don’t doubt he has started a campaign to make you look bad. That is common. The hardest thing to do may be to let it bounce off you and by your actions show it isn’t true. You may not be able to control what many think of you, but your child needs your warmth and love and this is an area to concentrate on. It’s good you have begun therapy. Never stop looking for help for him. But I strongly encourage you not to police him. This will make you look bad/desperate/controlling/not fun/not safe in the eyes of your child. When he swears or is inappropriate, do something neutral to get the point across this is wrong. Don’t be harsh; get the negativity out of your response. He will not feel comfortable or safe or loved with your policing him. You can say, very calmly, that using those words are not for kids and not for school. He needs to feel you are a loving and safe to place to be…even if he swears. You are the sweet spot, the home for him, the safety and warmth. If you can put up with his oppositional behavior for a while and show him, while not appropriate, you are ok with who he is, I think it may begin to diminish. Your job is to be what he needs. He needs to be a kid, be loved, be nurtured. Policing is for adults. I am not saying you should condone the behavior, but contextualize it. He’s really, really young. Loving kindness makes a huge difference at this age. Be his safe place.
Ann
Thank you for your thoughtful response Ann. I probably should have used a better phrase than “behavior police” in that while I do try and correct the inappropriate behavior, I also try to do so in exactly the manner you suggest. It’s not always easy, particularly when he gets to bouncing off the walls with disrespectful behavior towards myself or his siblings, and he won’t stop no matter how calmly I try to redirect him. I’m all about loving kindness — often times to the annoyance of others who accuse me of being “too soft” on him, or “too tolerant” or “too babying” of him.
Since it’s a free-for-all at his dad’s house, my son sees me as the bad guy anytime I do or say anything resembling correction/discipline/structure.
A day at a time I guess. Thank you again.
No, it isn’t easy, I quite agree and kudos to you for all you do for your son. Perhaps you can find something fun that he likes to do that isn’t in his father’s arena of activities and something he associates with you and looks forward to doing. That puts a positive spin on you that may take some of your “negativity” aura away from him. I am sorry he sees you as the bad guy, but don’t give up. Kids can surprise us.
Ann
Hi Ms. Bradley. Is it possible for children of Narcissists to NOT idolize their father? I have older children, 3 teenagers, and they have spent/spend most of their time with me because I was a stay at home mom. Even on the weekends, their father seemed to find other things to do besides spend time with us. Even now that we are divorced, he has numerous activities that seem to take priority over his children. There is no scheduled visitation, because I thought there should be an open arrangement, plus, the kids are older now. When he DOES want to spend time with them, however, they are often resistant. On the other hand, they have a very close relationship with me. Is it possible that they can see right through his behavior?
My best friend is currently involved with a narcicisst. After 6 weeks of no contact , I was hoping that he would just go away. No such luck. He came back with the same old sob story, “I’m sorry, I get it now, I love you.” Well of course she went back. This has been going on over the course of their entire 13 year relationship. I came into the picture almost 7 years ago. He is the classic narcicisst. We have talked endlessly about this yet she still goes back. He has broken her heart countless times and I am at a losss as to what to do anymore. It’s becoming increasingly more difficult to be supportive and now I fear I cannot do it anymore. I cannot hide the fact of how disappointed I am from her. I know it’s her life and it’s her choice to be with him, but it’s like watching someone you care about walk into a burning building over and over knowing the next time they go in they may not come out. What do I do? I do not want to lose my friend, but it’s getting harder and harder to see this happen.
I feel like a victim. if i say something or feel something i am in the wrong why oh why can’t i just be able to move on without allowing these people to affect me
Dear Ann, I am a mess emotionally and mentally. Why? There’s too much to tell so I’ll give you the bare bones in the hope that you will understand.
I was born into a violent alcoholic family… my father was addicted all his life. I’m on my third marriage and all three husbands have been abusive in one way or another. I could never figure out why my mother could be so spiteful and rejecting of me… my sister is a carbon copy of my mother. I have recently found information about narcissism and my mother, sister and husbands have all fit the bill. I was and still am the family scapegoat, my sister was the golden girl. There’s been and still is abuse in this marriage. I am now in my early 60′s and I know that I’m unwell but I also know that previous therapy has left me feeling more confused and hasn’t unearthed any of the core problems and pain that I’m in. It seems that all I have to do is pick up the ball and run with it and all will be well, if I don’t then I’m to blame for not trying to change my life.
I feel totally burned out and traumatised. I seldom go out the house even on days when the sun is shining. I’m not afraid to go out but, I just can’t. The desire to be on my own is overwhelming. I cannot tolerate noise of any kind, sudden noises terrify me.. my nerves are wrecked. I’m a creative person but I have no interest in my hobbies anymore. I fly into rages when my husband does his usual ‘not listen’ bit or, interferes in what I’m doing under the guise of ‘helping’ which reduces me to feeling totally useless. On occasions when he’s refused to listen or reason I’ve become violent and attacked him. He has always been quarrelsome, everything is made a struggle because of his need to be right about everything. He simply does not listen or validate my feelings.
Ann, I don’t know who I am anymore… I feel totally alienated from the person that I was. I know I was a kind, giving, sweet natured person… never violent or abusive. Now, I feel a basket case but I know I’m not insane. I have no energy or interest in life but I don’t want to end it. My doctor hasn’t got a clue… he has even made me worse by comparing me to patients or people he knows, who, have been through awful things and yet are getting on brilliantly with their lives. I have never had a support system of any kind. I’ve always been the one ‘there’ for others but there is no-one there for me… I have always had to be ‘there’ for myself and now, there is nothing ‘there’ within anymore. Where do I go, what do I do? What is wrong with me?
Please can you help me to understand and find the right path forward. I would be forever grateful for any advice you can give me.
Grace.
Dear Grace, Sometimes we get tired of managing our lives and problems. It seems like we’ve done so for a very long time and end up anesthetized. Whether this is what is going on with you I don’t know. Is there one magic word or theme I can give to turn it around for you. No, there isn’t. As I word your words I felt fatigue from you. This happens when nothing brings us hope or joy any more. I suspect that a period of time using a variety of methods could bring you some relief from what you are experiencing and small joys, small times of fleeting happiness would lead to more and more. I know what I would do in your situation, but whether this works for you – or anyone but me – I don’t know. I would find the energy to get away from my home and partner and go see the world from a different perspective for a while. But assuming you don’t really want to even leave the house is in play I would then make my days as full of peace and pleasure and things I like to do as I could. I would lie in bed, reading a book whenever I felt like it, ordering pizza, drinking a fresh pot of coffee at midnight if I wanted to, and having a Bloody Mary an hour later. I would read uplifting books that I ordered from Amazon that empowered me, I would ignore my spouse and abusive family and whenever a little bit of happiness filtered through I would write down what caused it – taking care of myself, my thoughts, the coffee, the pizza, whatever. I would read poetry and listen to the music I liked. I would get on internet forums with like minded people and let them encourage me. I would eliminate anyone that told me I should be more productive and say, “I’ll get there when I feel like it. Until then, thanks for caring, but I’m doing it my way.” All of this to get to the point that you see you, doing nothing, is as valuable and worthy of life as you, doing anything else. I get the feeling you have over functioned as a woman and need validation and rest. You might have to give it to yourself for now. There is nothing wrong in taking care of you. There is a book called something like, Women Who Try Too Hard or maybe Women Who Do Too Much that might offer suggestions more creative than mine. I would also increase my B complex vitamins and stop going to a mainstream doctor. I know for me that also if I stop my B12 lozenges I get lethargic. I would research fish oil, vitamin D3 and depression = these really do make a difference – and even just a little spark of energy might be all you need to make the decisions best for you to continue forth. What they might be isn’t important today – what is important is finding something no matter how small that energizes the part of you called hope.
If hope is ‘the thing with feathers’ as Emily Dickinson says, our thoughts are the things with mighty talons that can grab us and destroy us or gently carry us to a place where hope is. Let your thoughts take you there and mine are with you.
Ann
Dear Ann, Thank you for responding and your kind words. At this place in my life any constructive advise, no matter how great or small, is meaningful to me. Yes, you are correct I’m fatigued, fatigued to the degree that I’ve pulled away from life itself. Feeling as low as I am has brought me almost, but not quite, to a standstill. I recognise also that I’m experiencing a degree of guilt because I’m not ‘doing’ anymore. Your advice regarding eliminating those who tell me to be more productive and, ‘I’m doing it my way’ is invaluable. I’m so fatigued that I’m just ticking over like the trees that go dormant in winter. In essence, you’ve given me permission to go with it and allow my body, soul and mind to heal in its own good time.
I do all the things you suggest such as reading… I keep ordering books from Amazon.. I do write poetry and this is how I manage to express my innermost pain. I watch movies and listen to gentle music. I agree that all of those things are productive so, I shall heed your advice and take care of myself. I will however look into starting fish oils and B complex vitamins; perhaps I’ll benefit from a course, they are worth a try.
Your closing sentiment is very meaningful. Ann, I thank you for your kind words.
Grace.
Dear Ann, thank you so much for such enlightening information. This one about a “Victim” has been especially helpful. As the mother of a beautiful young woman who has been victimized for years by a narcissist, I needed to hear this. I was expecting her to move on with life as she is going through her divorce, but I see now how traumatized she is and how/why she is actually physically ill at times. I thought the fact she is divorcing him would free her to “move on”, and she would feel better. She still has contact with this abuser because they have a seven-year old, and this narcissist tries to manipulate her by engaging her in conversation and “wanting to be her friend” on one hand, then on the other hand blames her for the divorce, etc. I think you are doing wonderful work and greatly appreciate every word you write. Thanks again, Betty
Thanks Betty. Your daughter is lucky to have you and your understanding. This is so important in her healing process. Even though the ex is still playing games, at the same time she is free of his role as husband as abuser. While it may not be readily apparent how this helps it is an important change and is working behind the scenes to get her where you (and she) want her to be. The physical component you mention (illness) is a hugely under-appreciated one. This too takes time but she should find these issues resolving in the future as she heals. I wish her the best on her journey forward. Ann
Dear Ann,
thanks for this great article, I would just like to add that for daughters of narcissistic mothers there’s a great resource here http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/, it also has a very active forum that is superbly moderated and offers a lot of support for DONMs,
thank you very much,
gardenelf
Thanks much for the link. I know there are some who find their way here who will be most grateful to have it. Best, Ann
My 24 yr old daughter moved back to our home after being made to move her belongings out of her boyfriends home, she was living with him approx six months. She has been in a relationship with him for approx 41/2 yrs. and that has been a very chaotic time, a triangle love affair between my daughter and his ex-high school love. My daughter has been rejected from him many times and almost destroyed her emotionally, but she could not seem to break it off, he would ask her to come back and she would, just to find that he would reject her again, each time destroying her more more emotionally. He would go back to his ex-high school love each time he rejected my daughter. My daughter would wait till they broke up and he would call my daughter and she would go back with him. She has been so transformed in her thinking since being with him, he has a hold on her that cannot be broken. My husband and I are not equipped to deal with this situation. On January 26, 2012 she had major surgery and was out on leave for six weeks to recover from that surgery and got pregnant during that time. He did not want the baby at that time and wanted her to get an abortion, said it would ruin there life together, he wasn’t ready for a responsibility of a child, she really didn’t want the child either but because of religious and moral values she chose to carry to term the child. She has been moved in with us for approx 5 weeks now. For the first three she was very cooperative, wanting to have nothing to do with him and actually told him not to call her ever again, he said do worry i won’t, we visited a lawyer to see what her rights as an unwed mother. She was all for gathering data against him so he would not ever get to see that baby or his mother see the baby. But all that has changed since he has made contact with her after the three weeks without any contact. He has told her that he wanted to be part of the baby’s life now, but still does want to be with her, but she has the fantasy of it all working out someday. She has now pushed us aside, is mean spirited to us and ungrateful for the assistance given her. When we express the disapproval of her contact with him she displays anger and resentment of our disapproval and tells us we are not going to control her and manipulate her to do what we want her to do, she tells us that there is nothing wrong with talking to him, it is his baby and he has the right to be involved. He told her that he reacted wrong and has thought about it and wants to be involved in the baby’s life. She tells us that she is not going to not cooperate with him cause the judge would give him visitation rights anyway in the end when the baby is born. We said not necessarily, in Tn the mother has full rights to the baby, the father has to prove to courts that he is fit to see the child, if she can prove that he is not fit, he would get no visitation rights. But ultimately, the fact remains that she wants the contact with him, so her fantasy maybe someday may come true, that they can be a family. Now, how messed up is that? Help!!!!!!!!!!!!
I looked up TN child custody because I couldn’t believe in this day and age any state would have such a law on the books that by default the mother gets the child. And in fact it is clear TN doesn’t say that at all. Your daughter must learn the family code immediately to know what’s going on. This is what I found: http://singleparents.about.com/od/childcustodylaws/a/Tennessee_Child_Custody_Laws.htm Just like in most states, there is no presumptive parent. If your daughter even begins to assert the father is problematic she better be prepared for a big fight. Father’s rights groups are militant and have a lot of power within the courts. How would your daughter prove anything? He says he wants to be involved and the courts listen to this. You may be thinking of the way things were years ago, but all that has changed. As I see it there are multiple problems – your daughter is parenting a child she didn’t want, the father is unreliable in personal relationships and though this may be how he treats his child – proving it to the court may be almost impossible at this point, and your daughter is a prisoner of emotion when it comes to this man. I would say your daughter needs your help, love, and patience now more than any time in her life before. If you constantly disparage her choices she will lose even more self-esteem and confidence in her self and ultimately in her ability to parent. Help her grow up by being supportive, telling her you will be there for her and the child and listen to her. Make her feel understood, secure and well loved. Show her, don’t just tell her, but do that too. She is the one with the unwanted child and an unstable partner as the child’s parent and she is playing the role of mother which she didn’t want.
Did you encourage the pregnancy? If so, she may feel resentful towards you and that she was manipulated by you. That’s water under the bridge but its something to consider when attempting to understand her moods. Now, she needs to grow up, fast. It won’t be easy. But your job is not to make decisions for her when it comes to this man and her relationship with him. She has to do this on her own. What you can do is make her feel good about herself and this may free her to move forward from a position of inner power not weakness. It is this weakness which brings her to the neediness place where she lets him control her and she feels she needs him. It may take her a while to learn this but she has to come to this herself.
The father has rights but also responsibility. He has to pay child support even if they aren’t married. He may realize time and money are correlated and he wants more of the child because of it. (more time with him = less cs) I think the best bet at this time is to back off otherwise your daughter is going to go just where you don’t want her to. Let it be her choice, not yours. Your job is to love her and support her emotionally during this really chaotic and difficult time. Don’t make her feel “wrong”. She already knows how badly she messed up – now she has a lifetime of dealing with the consequences and that includes having a jerk as the father of her child. And for goodness sake – show her how much you enjoy a grandchild! This is really the bottom line here – a kid needs lots and lots of love and she needs to know it is available and is good and there is plenty to go around. Good luck with all of this – and congratulations on the grandchild to be! Best, Ann
I’m having my N served on Monday. I will have the children with me at that time. I opted on my own to have a psych eval. In which they concluded I suffer from symptoms consistant with battered woman syndrome. It blew me away. I knew for at least 12 out of the 15 yrs something was wrong. In hinesight it all makes sense however I still battle in my head the many things associated with my marriage to a narc. The isolation from family. The manip to the point I can’t make decisions. Memory loss. Hypervigilance when he drinks. Confusion in any conversation. The face that he won’t stop until I say ok..u win..I’m wrong. The fact that I trained myself into believing he was my best friend. The lightbulb moment is extremely damaging to our minds. We get it now. But..to think it was not real as I saw it….that while I was busy trying to fix..he was insisting I was in fact the one breaking. The psych eval also showed signs of slight hysteria. I do feel scrambled but I know why now. I’m in therapy and have been for two yrs. I look forward to a life wit my 3 children that will no longer include this sick man. One day I hope to look back and take is as a very poweful lesson that god gave me this life and while my kids come first…I will set boundries for myself. No longer will I be treated soo poorly and then justify it. I thank my mother for saying narcissist. Without her id be deeper into that hole,desp for air,wondering how much more of HIS BEHAVIOR Is MY FAULT. Good luck everyone..like yourself enough to run and do not look back.xoxo