IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?
Why everyone can’t just “move on” and “choose a happy future”
Harvard trained M.D. and trauma expert Dr. Frank Ochberg says ”our culture now disparages, blames, isolates, and condemns someone for being a victim”.
Why are victims told to deny their reality? Sometimes being sad is normal. It doesn’t mean you stay there, but you don’t have to feel guilty for it. Sometimes you need help. The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed is flawed.
Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is often impaired.
Sometimes therapists makes the problem worse because they are not aware of what being the victim of a narcissist is really like. The phrase “move on with your life” is commonly used. Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, a home, savings, a family or job, this phrase can be another betrayal.
Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.
The entire infrastructure of a life is often destroyed.
When this happens the victim may be:
- stunned
- hypervigilant
- indigent
- betrayed
- depressed
and perplexed as to why they are expected to “choose” to not be a victim.
Give them a time machine and this can be done. Give them revictimization and it cannot.
The Word VICTIM: It’s time to give that word back its status and in doing so, respect the abused. Respect comes in the form of providing help with a compassionate approach to those stripped of dignity through abuse in courts of law, or by their partners.
What is the definition of a “victim”?
According to the dictionary a victim is: One who is harmed by, or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition; a person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.
The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions chaotic.
Why are victims revictimized?
Because it’s politically correct to say, “I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.”
Not all victims are the same.
Some have more resiliency than others. Some are without resources or support. Many have physiological changes that need to be addressed. And when those who need help come looking for it, instead of being welcomed, they find “helpers” that tell them they are responsible for their healing NOW. These people are revictimizing because “choice” is NOT always an option.
Reclaim the Word Victim
We must reclaim the word “victim” and renew our commitment to those who are victims. We should examine the role of a victim impact statement and victim advocate for those who are traumatized emotionally as well as from a criminal act.
Are you being victimized again by someone who says, “if you won’t stop being a victim. I won’t help you”? Maybe your attorney, therapist. siblings, or friends are claiming you can just choose to stop being a victim. Maybe they think you can start a company without money, and buy a house with bad credit. Maybe they don’t know what they are talking about.
As a victim of any kind of abuse you deserve:
1. Compassion
2. Validation
3 Freedom from theraputic verbal abuse
4. A support team to open doors to resources
5. A friend, therapist or counselor who can teach you the skills to rebuild your life.
Depending on who you are, this may take a long time or not. Variables include amount and length of abuse, health, supportive family or not, finances, genetic explanatory style (optimism or pessimism), coping skills you may already have and many others. As a victim, you have the right to say, “STOP” to those who blame the victim. An entire self help industry has arisen that believes if you just really really wanted to, you can be happy and healthy and fully functional as soon as you choose to be. A starting point for recovery are post traumatic stress sites. There you will find trained and compassionate support people with articles that explain trauma healing methods.
What I Did To Help Women Like Yourself
(Men, I am not ignoring you, but this one is for the women. Everything is just as true for you about being a victim.)
I know what it is like to be the victim of a narcissist - the day after day after day attacks to break you, the changing of reality to suit themselves, the rages…I had it done to me. I may be genetically predisposed to resilience and optimism but he was getting to me. No doubt about that, but I freed myself from being his victim and I work with people showing them how to reclaim their lives, be happy and move on – when they are ready. And when they move on, it is on their terms and no one else’s. I wrote a little guide for my clients about how to have a “do-over” in life. It isn’t just for victims of narcissim, but for anyone.
The feedback was so positive they told me to make it available to others. I think you are going to like this because it’s written to be real, cut to the chase and it talks to women, not men. And because I care.
No one should be miserable. Here’s to Life, Love, and YOU! CLICK HERE
a little more information:
The Scientific Basis of Healing, Happiness and Recovery
It doesn’t matter if you call yourself a victim, survivor or Martian. No one should deny you victim status. It is what is. A victim is not a slothlike creature, nor stupid. Nor is a victim responsible for what happened to her and we must stop worrying about language and start helping. A victim is a person with a life in chaos. What matters is that you get the help you need and the compassionate trained person to give you the skills.
The good news is that happiness is trainable, resiliency comes back and psychologists are moving from the Freudian model which has dominated psychology for too long and was wrong to boot, to a model that moves from pathology as the dominant scheme. The process of de-traumatization begins with validation. It then moves to retraining explanatory style. Depending on the depth and time of the abuse, it may take a long or short time to process to empowerment and control. IT IS NOT NECESSARY to analyze every event. It IS necessary to be heard and listened to and to tell your story. But not over and over to everyone who will listen. Validation is critical.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Ms Bradley,
Do you know any good resources for children of NPDs…especially the scapegoat child?
It has taken me into my 40 years to finally stop talking to my family, the damage was extremely deep.
Because my father was the NPD and he was physically violent with me throughout my childhood, it shaped my view of the world, and it is VERY difficult for me to trust. My mother stood by and LET HIM abuse me , rather than take the abuse herself…i was literally the wastebasket for the entire family, i had NO ONE ..the whole family still plays this game of make believe..and i JUST recently cut them off.
My Husband says my parents are just VILE people.
The parents are getting older now and are playing the “you owe me” game.
I don’t want to be a victim for the rest of my life..
Know any good resources for this?
Thanks for your time…and thank for your blog.
Sincerely
Erika
Hi Erika,
You just took the first big step to undoing the damage and this will empower you more than anything else. Drawing boundary lines in a dysfunctional family is critically important. This will serve you well. I recommend this book by an adult child of an NPD parent: http://www.amazon.com/Control-Unhealthy-Narcissists-Ruining-ebook/dp/B003GSM0KQ
You can also find it in print as well as ebook format. Beth has great insight and I think you will be well rewarded with this. Scapegoating is really painful – perhaps one of the cruelest attacks on another that can be done. Your luck of the draw to get parents like this but as you found out, walking away is always an option and a good one.
Thanks for writing and enjoy your freedom from their tyranny.
Ann
Hi Ms. Bradley
Yes, it is extremely cruel to be told to “forget about it”, “move on” when that WAS the problem. I was the family scape goat for five children, but both parents were narcissists and my dad enjoyed hurting all of us, especially me. I finally found a compassionate therapist who listened instead of telling me I am the cause of being a victim. She even helped me understand that I am extremely bright to have invented my alters. I now even ask Fran where my stuff is.
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Hello~
Thank you for all the information and resources you provide on your website. It is really helping me understand the relationship I was in for a decade. We never married, but did bring a child into the world. There was emotional & physical abuse towards myself and my older children from a previous relationship. I finally separated from this man a year ago, and he recently began court proceedings against me to gain “residential custody” of our common child. In my view based on his behavior over the past year, this is his attempt to retaliate against me because I dared move on to a new relationship; and he also does not want to part with his money and have to pay any child support.
My question is: how do you help your child grow up with the least amount of damage when they idolize their father who has this disorder? When the court forces visitation with an abuser? When the abuser is able to put on such a good act in front of family, friends and those in the legal system — yet systematically brainwashes the child against the mother? In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that he has recruited certain family members AND close friends in a crusade to brainwash my child against me. I think he has accomplished this by making me out to be a wretched horrible person to everyone in his camp. None of these people have ever spent any time with me, to even KNOW anything about me — certainly not anything about me as a mother.
My child is 7 years old, and after every visit he has with his father, he speaks and acts in inappropriate ways (swearing, talking about sexually perverted things and thinking it’s funny etc.) and I am in a constant state of having to repair the harmful influence. I transform into the “behavior police” because I feel it is MY JOB to teach him what is respectful towards himself & others, and what is appropriate. It’s absolutely the most draining thing I’ve ever dealt with, and I’ve had prior relationships with men who abuse. I’m terrified that because my son is simmering in the narcissistic stew of his father’s powerful influence, that my son will literally become his father. I already see signs of my son in various stages of perfecting his own craft of nasty manipulation. I’ve started my son in child therapy, but that is just a half hour per week. The rest is up to me for the times that he is with me.
I thought I was escaping the abuse, and through my child it continues. Help?!
Hi
I am not surprised this is going on and don’t doubt he has started a campaign to make you look bad. That is common. The hardest thing to do may be to let it bounce off you and by your actions show it isn’t true. You may not be able to control what many think of you, but your child needs your warmth and love and this is an area to concentrate on. It’s good you have begun therapy. Never stop looking for help for him. But I strongly encourage you not to police him. This will make you look bad/desperate/controlling/not fun/not safe in the eyes of your child. When he swears or is inappropriate, do something neutral to get the point across this is wrong. Don’t be harsh; get the negativity out of your response. He will not feel comfortable or safe or loved with your policing him. You can say, very calmly, that using those words are not for kids and not for school. He needs to feel you are a loving and safe to place to be…even if he swears. You are the sweet spot, the home for him, the safety and warmth. If you can put up with his oppositional behavior for a while and show him, while not appropriate, you are ok with who he is, I think it may begin to diminish. Your job is to be what he needs. He needs to be a kid, be loved, be nurtured. Policing is for adults. I am not saying you should condone the behavior, but contextualize it. He’s really, really young. Loving kindness makes a huge difference at this age. Be his safe place.
Ann
Thank you for your thoughtful response Ann. I probably should have used a better phrase than “behavior police” in that while I do try and correct the inappropriate behavior, I also try to do so in exactly the manner you suggest. It’s not always easy, particularly when he gets to bouncing off the walls with disrespectful behavior towards myself or his siblings, and he won’t stop no matter how calmly I try to redirect him. I’m all about loving kindness — often times to the annoyance of others who accuse me of being “too soft” on him, or “too tolerant” or “too babying” of him.
Since it’s a free-for-all at his dad’s house, my son sees me as the bad guy anytime I do or say anything resembling correction/discipline/structure.
A day at a time I guess. Thank you again.
No, it isn’t easy, I quite agree and kudos to you for all you do for your son. Perhaps you can find something fun that he likes to do that isn’t in his father’s arena of activities and something he associates with you and looks forward to doing. That puts a positive spin on you that may take some of your “negativity” aura away from him. I am sorry he sees you as the bad guy, but don’t give up. Kids can surprise us.
Ann