Verbal Abuse Support Page
”I Think I am Having A Nervous Breakdown”
That’s what many people say. Find out what’s happening and why.
Are You The Victim of a Liar?
LOVE, BETRAYAL, DIVORCE
Feeling sane is a matter of feeling in control.
The narcissist doesn’t want you in control of your feelings or emotions. He wants you off guard, feeling chaotic, despair and need. You may end up angry, depressed and sometimes suicidal.
But you don’t have to.
There are ways to navigate this journey. There are practical, down to earth strategies that are exactly what is needed to take control and lose the feeling of going crazy.
In myths of old, perilous journeys are metaphors for the trials and tribulations we endure to develop strength. It is important not to have a victim mentality. Don’t despair. You are not mentally ill, you are injured. Getting to the other side of this means finding strength that will be with us for the rest of our lives. Life CAN get better.
“Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in awful bills.” Minna Antrim
My new book explains thriving and surviving narcissism in a series of short essays geared to everyone for every occasion a narcissist can bring to the table.
Fight or Flight
Slow down. You are not “crazy”. You are feeling the physical reaction to extreme trauma and stress. Your reaction is normal. It is an awful feeling, but normal under the circumstances.
Your body is in the fight or flight mode and you feel the physicality of your stress. Cortisol and adrenaline, the stress hormones, are flowing through your body causing your heart to race and your breathing to become shallow. (Deep breathing really does help switch from the panic mode to a calmer mode, done deeply enough which means your belly expands as a baby’s does when breathing, then completely emptying the lungs switches you over to the calming side of your nervous system, away from the fight or flight. Give it a chance. Don’t try once then give up. Stay with it. Tell yourself you are in charge of your emotions, that you are learning how not to be a victim, then change your body to feel that way. It CAN work.)
Women and Madness
In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:
We now understand that women and men are not “crazy” or “defective”when, in response to trauma, they develop post traumatic symptoms,including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety,depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal.
Oppression causes bodily changes. These changes make you think you are going crazy. There is a difference between a mental illness and a psychological injury. Victims of abuse are not mentally ill, they have been injured. Healing does happen. We find ways to move from victim to not-victim.
A Sense of Entitlement and Domestic Violence
We now understand more about what trauma is, and what it does. We understand that chronic, hidden family/domestic violence is actually more, not less, traumatic than sudden violence at the hands of a stranger, or of an enemy during war. We understand that after even a single act of abuse, physical violence is only infrequently needed to keep one’s victim in a constant state of terror, dependent on her captor and tormentor.
Victims of narcissists are often not believed. They become the victims of character assassination, betrayals, lies and manipulations. The shredded dirty fragments of a narcissistic self are thrown on them and at times they mirror their behavior. The reaction is to become horrified. Or to cower and shake. It is time to reframe, renew, exit learned helplessness and begin to pick up the pieces for renewal, hope and optimism and a future orientation. Allowing the narcissist to remain in control is destructive.
“Courage is resistance and mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
Mark Twain
Read this when you feel powerless:
Skills For Dealing With Narcissism
by Bruce Gregory, Ph.D
Most people feel victimized by narcissistic forces and narcissists. This is because they have felt consistently oppressed, suppressed, or frustrated by narcissistic forces This becomes problematic in terms of achieving sustainability.
When one is in a “victim state,” one sees the oppressor as the enemy, as the one with the power, and as a result, the victim is easily manipulated into frustration and anger. The narcissist will utilize this dynamic to incite people into emotional states which can be exploited into distractions from the core issues.
Skills for dealing with attempts to intimidate can be divided into two areas, intrapersonal and interpersonal.
Intrapersonally, it is essential not to react. This means that reactions of fear, impatience, or anger are not practical. In their place should be patience and curiosity. On an interpersonal level, responses and questions like, “that’s interesting; could you explain that?; or, “I am not clear about that; would you please clarify (or elaborate)?; or, “it seems like there is a contradiction in your logic.”
All of these can generate positive results in terms of reducing the control of the narcissistic forces. This is done through the non-reaction, which communicates, “you are not so powerful that you can manipulate me, or us, and distract us from the issue. It is also done through the questions which communicate, “I/we are not afraid of you; we are not leaving the space/situation to your control alone; we will challenge you if necessary; you cannot win through intimidation or disinformation.”
Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance. The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism’s actions or positions personally.
The narcissist, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it.
In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist’s world and take what is going on personally.
Narcissism’s actions are indiscriminate. They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination and grandiosity. An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person’s emotions to penetrate one’s own personal space.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
My girlfriend was married to a NARC, she recognized my agony watching me deal with my NARC Father. I am 52 years old and have been living in agony with my Rich NARC Father who has given everything to my step-sisters and swept me under the rug with nothing but criticism. Thank you so much for helping me realize why I have had such depression. Understanding the Narcs of the world has taken a load off my shoulders. Good luck to all of you that have been victimized.
RE-SUBMIT: VAST ERRORS IN ORIGINAL COMMENT CAUSED BY CITE.
Fred, the reality is that while the agony may have been taken off of your shoulders it will remain in your mind, unfortuantely. But perhaps knowing where it comes from can help you get pissed off enough to vindicate yourself from the chains of shame and worthlessness that this demon (I said demon) has inflicted upon your soul since your childhood. There has been so much said about narcissism and the striking resemblence is remarkable but not all true. Narcissism is a disease of the soul, it cannot be cured by any doctor, or any person, there are only two cures for this malady, faith and self worth, both lacking in narcissists. Fred have you heard of “original sin” The Christian Doctrine that has to do with the sin of humanity resulting in fall of man? But perhaps knowing where it comes from can help you get pissed off enough to vindicate yourself from the chains of shame and worthlessness that this demon (I said demon) has inflicted upon your soul since your childhood. There has been so much said about narcissism and the striking resemblence is remarkable but not all true. Narcissism is a disease of the soul Fred, it cannot be cured by any doctor, or any person, there are only two cures for this malady, faith and self worth, both lacking in narcissists. Fred have you heard of “original sin” The Christian Doctrine that posulates Humanity’s state of sin resulting from the fall of man. The “first disobedience” if you will. That idea is pertinent in the understanding of Narcissism. Faith: It is important first to understand that religious teaching tell us that God is about freedom (free will and choice) and that evil is about power (possession of control over others). Both are forces upon the earth, neither can be destroyed. One force is strong and continuous while the other is weak and temporary; notice Fred, freedom is infinite — the choice is always ours, while power is temporary — only viable insomuch as others will allow you to have it. The good news is that since freedom infinite, it is inate, evil is not, it remains only as a temptation. Self-worth: Self-esteem, then, a term in psychology that dictates a person’s overall evaluation of their own worth. Thus Iam worthy. Then we come to Narcissism: Many psychologists believe that it occurs in childhood as a result of trauma, that is only partically true. In infliction of narcissims can happen at anytime, infancy to later years of life, it is caused by an opening in the victim’s spirit, mostly from dispair and hopelessness to that one place where the victim believes that freedom is non-existent and surrenders itself. This deficit of mind creates a weakness to our spirit and in our energies which create an opening for evil to invade. So sliently is festers Fred, it is a gradual sense of power providing a false sense of superiority over others. It creates a place of false comfort and like all evil it will manifest to action and of how others respond to quenching its thirst for power which serves to reinforce that false and temporary sense of well being. But it is so short lived Fred because evil does not have the power to stay within us long (guilty conscious, remorse), it is too weak and cannot overpower our good will (empathy), that is why good always defeats evil and always will. But to continue, Fred, Since that completeness narcissists feel is only temporary, they must continue to seek out their prey (“narcissistic supply”) in fear of losing that sense of power and completeness. The only cure for them is to turn to faith in God by praying and every day they must give of themselves to others in good will which builds the character they lack and brings about forgiveness to those or that incident that led them to this desolate place of spirit at the onset. They are the only cures for this evil infliction. No human being can cure this infliction. Turning to you Fred, pain has been with you but is NOT part of you, that is what you have to understand now, you cannot let this poor victim’s disease become your disease because you are not entitled to it you did nothing to earn it you created no weakness to harbor such evil. Remember what we said earlier: “power is only viable insomuch as someone else will allow you to have it.” What you are feeling so intensely if self-sorrow, justified self-sorrow, a healty behavior that only turns distructive when you let it linger too lng. For it is this self-sorrow that stops our lives from going forward and fosters fear, uncertainty, insecurity and mostly depression. But the good news is, the infliction of that poor damaged soul that has inflicted your person has not inflicted your spirit, because all spirits are individual, that is why no two of us are alike, your spirit Fred is still in tact and you’re still fairly young and have a lot of happiness awaiting for you. You remain strong, you just got to find your inner strength, all you have to do is throw it off, that’s right, it is evil, throw off its yoke, give up the ghost if you will, it has no place in your life, for its strength compared to yours is almost nonexistent it onlyt remains as long as you allow it to. Fred, know this, you are not garbage because God doesn’t make garbage, you are free so throw off its chains, you must give of yourself to others and there is so much out there for you along your journey all you have to do is reach out for it. Yeah, you’ll meet a lot of jerks, but you will meet so many that make you happy and fulfil your life, prove me wrong, just try. That is how life works Fred, we are given these temporary vehicles to enjoy conscious and to share love, love is the most powerful force on earth because it is Gods gift to us to share joy and hope and to gain spiritual strength for ourselves through other; and ya wanna know the best thing, the most wonderful of it is we pay forward with the birth of our children. It is time for you Fred, it is time for you to sore like an eagle and no longer to scurry along like a rat. You have done nothing to deserve the treatment you received from the evil that possessed another (and evil knows no prejudice of who it chooses), but you can defeat it by not giving it any worth so throw off its chains. It is time for you to live for the first time in your life, because you are indeed a life apart from the victim of evil that held you hostage for so long. Thus, your life with God, your family, your friends, and acquaintences await you. “Arise and shine Fred, pick up they bed and walk.”
Eileen you are so enciteful. Your comments have helped me also.
Thank you
Linda
Thank you Fred for your comment. Narcissistic parents can be so toxic, but the antidote is understanding what they are and realizing you are not defined by their personality disorder.
Ann
Hi Ann, Is there any place to get your book about narcissism in bound book form – not kindle? Thank you.
Hi-
No but it is available as a pdf at http://www.divorceandlawyers.com Also available on itunes bookstore or Barnes and Noble, The Nook but they are also digital. Thanks for asking.
Ann
Ann, your book is incredible and I wish I had it when I went through my hellish divorce 10 years ago. My ex was narcissistic and very abusive. Just seeing him in court caused panic attacks. My attorney professed during my consultation to know exactly how to deal with individuals like this but he was either mistaken or lied. The bigger problem was the family court system. Of the 20 times we were in court, we never saw the same judge twice – this is such a disservice to individuals of high conflict divorce!
10 years later, our child is now 12, and I’m still feeling very controlled by this individual because he continues to violate and ignore the court order. The police tell me they can’t do anything and to just take him back to court. He loves the court system and I believe he’s pushing me to take him to court which I do not want to do (he has a legal plan that gives him a free attorney if he’s the respondent). I’ve never found any good information about “coparenting” with him and professionals I’ve spoken with all say to avoid any/all contact with him and just endure it until our child is 18.
Do you have any advice or books you could recommend?
Thank you for the important work you’re doing. Too many people do not understand how painful this situation is and that people like this truly exist.
Hi,
Sorry this is still going on for you. I think you might find this site of value: http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/ Take a look around it – lots of good information, people and resources for people in your situation. See if you can use it for a jumping off place.
Best,
Ann
Hi I have been a victim of Narcissism from family to mothers partners to an ex partner of mine and am finding it very difficult to heal as its been all my life in one form or another. I have had counselling and i will seek more now i have recently moved to a new area with a new partner. But since being with my new partner, who is a lovely man with 3 lovely kids, (he lost his wife and mother of the kids 2 years ago), it has come to light that i am having difficulty in dealing with confrontations in a “normal” way & have been hurt by this as i feel i am acting exactly like my exN did towards me. I get very defensive, i see things in black and white and can be very hurtful when i dont mean to be… is this behaviour because of being with an N? Can i get help with this? Thanks. Lou
I am currently married to a NARC and my life is a living hell, he does everything in his power to go against anything I say, whether it deals with the children or work. On the outside everyone thinks he is a great guy, but at home I know that he is cynical, abusive, manipulative, mean spirited, and downright inconsiderate of his family. He never has anything but criticism and insults to say. And when I interject because I refuse to stand by and let him demolish my daughters’ self esteem, he tells me I am the problem and the reason they misbehave is because of me and my interfering when he says something. He says he is the man and he runs the house, which would be fine with me but he is unfair and unjust and I refuse to let him hurt my children, I will die first. I don’t know what to do. I am being worn thin and I feel like he always wins. He holds advanced degrees and thinks that he knows everything but in reality he only has book sense, no common sense at all. I dont really have anyone to talk too about him because people think that I am lying when I tell them how he is, they say oh he is such a nice guy, you shouldnt feel that way, so I have stopped talking to others about him and his behavior. I have gone to therapy alone because he refuses to come and I feel like I am just paying someone to listen to me blubber about how much of a wreck my life is. I am confused and alone, any advice will be appreciated.
Value yourself as much as anyone and make life decisions based on that premise. You deserve a life – a good and rich and rewarding one. Learn how to leave if that is the answer you come to. This type of person cannot be reasoned with – you need to train for leaving as if it were a marathon. Talking to others isn’t going to get you anywhere if they are tired of hearing the same complaints because they can’t do anything for you. Action has to begin with you, then others can assist in what you are doing. You can begin by learning what rights you have or by reading what others have done in your situation. Value yourself – make your life worthwhile. Best to you, Ann
Hi i think my husband is narxacistic but I think he has other problems too. he is controlling manipulative emotionally abusive a bully and not honest. I actually admired my husband and looked up to him for the most part of my mirage to him. He worked away from home. i worked also. he took my money and gave me an allowance. we have retired recently and he controls everything. he has told me my breasts are too big but they are better than nothing. He belittles everything about me physically and my personality. I thought that I had to keep working at the problems we were having. lose weight. Work harder for him anything -everything. Recently he told me he was getting a seperate checking account and my name would not be on it. i blew up. Usually I don’t show emotion because he criticizes. He watches my expressions for what reason I don’t know. i had surgery for caner and as the nurse was leaving my room he said in a very angry voice you hurt her feelings. Because I made a slight groan noise. he has no feeling for me when I am injured. In fact recently he withheld medical help when my arm was out of socket for falling from the hay. He continued to load the load of hay and came and told me because iI wouldn’t let him look at it I will wait another 10 minutes. The look on his face was evil. I’ve not seen it before. The nerves and tendons were ripped from my arm and it just hung there. Due to that accident my arm was paralyzed. He tormented me on the way to the hospital and told me he didn’t know the way he said we were lost. I was seriously thinking of jumping out of his truck.while it was moving. i was panicking. i had to turn away from the door and try to concentrate on something else. I was completely traumatized. When we were home I would step down on the floor and it would sent shocks through my arm. The arm was taped to my side. I had to walk so gently. 2 days after we were home he started coming up behind me and lifting my shirt trying to get to my bra. Any movement was agonizing and he knew it. I was able to make him quit. I was panicking inside again. I put a knife under my pillow. I slept that way every night. i told him he wasn’t welcome in my bed. I told my sister and daughter about it. My sister believed me. After I was able to do physical therapy for myself, she came to my rescue. i ran away. But for some unknown reason, I went back to him. he bought me diamonds. Something he has never done before and he began taking counseling together. The counseling did not address any of the problems and he continued to drift back to himself. He told me hes going to get his own account now, because he is trying to be romantic. Of course he sayas he doesn’t expect me to understand it. He says its because he doesn’t want me to run away again. Eventually with that and everything else that hasn’t been mentioned I began to feel like a mouse in a box with no windows. Its not like I’ve ever had much freedom before now. It’s just that he put in my face. I realized some of what was going on. I’ve been married to him for 38 yrs. I loved him (most of the time). I began to see what a lie the whole thing was and how used I was. I started feeling lost and I sunk even lower than I ever have. I usually get back up. But this time I wasn’t coming back. I called my Mom and told her I wanted to leave but I just couldn’t hardly move. My husband was on a hunting trip (1 wk) I don’t really know what was happening to me. i thought about killing myself. I don’t think I bathed or combed my hair or slept much. I had lost all feeling. My husband came home early from his trip. I looked like hell. he asked me what was going on. i told him truthfully how everything has made me feel and I had felft like killing myself. He kissed me briefly and said he had a few more days to hunt in. He said you be here when I get back. Then he drove away. he blew me a kiss on his way out. The next day my Mom and sister were at my house. They had driven 14 hours. Traveled to two states to get me. They helped me move. I’ve been here in California for 5 months now. it was traumatic everything about it. Even the leaving. I think my husband wanted me dead. Maybe was hoping I would do it myself. I know this sounds crazy and I feel like I am but this is very hard. to do. I find it hard to concentrate. To sort out my thoughts. I have been married to a man who is no good. Who uses me. So why am I having trouble? he filed for a divorce then he dropped it. he said because he was mad at me. i receive letters from him and usually he sends a copy to my father. strange. They usually tell me how much he loves me. The only contact I’ve had with him on the phone was just to give him a brief explaination as to why I no longer want to be around him. My husband tried to convince me while I was still with him that I was crazy and you know what he almost succeeded. He lieds about me to everyone. That I am no good. That I’m not right upstairs. You should hear the drama skit he puts on if he thinks I have told anyone anything. I get threatening calls every now and then from him. I have started my own divorce. As I said this is not easy. I don’t like me much sometimes. My husband was bald and look old for his years.. Everyone thinks of him as the most wonderful giving person. And so helpful. At home he is a different person as he was at the hospital once we arrived. I could use some help to feel better. my mind feels so over worked. Do you have any helpful suggestions? Thank you Linda
Linda, You have had quite the journey. Sorry to hear about it all but you have made the first big bold steps to recovery. Don’t, though, don’t, don’t don’t make the mistake of thinking it matters what others think about him or you. It doesn’t. Women sometimes care way too much about the opinion of others. Let it go. He will lie and that’s that. Some will eventually see through it, others not. Doesn’t matter. Your opinion of yourself is all that matters as you heal and make a new life. You are doing fine. But if you want some help, this is a book many like: http://amzn.to/GH2bBo It is about healing, recovering and moving on after living with a narcissist. Maybe some others here will provide something from their experience. Give yourself the gift of peace and time and you will heal. No looking to others for validation! You don’t need it – you really are doing fine under very trying circumstances with an incredibly difficult situation. I admire your bold move and your use of a support system. Good for you. Best, Ann
Thank you Ann you are very wise. I have many new problems occuring from my having left the x. While I was with him. I was not his wife, I was his servant. I did not realize it until just before I made the decision to leave. If my sons wife wanted a break from our three grandchildren, my son would call my husband and see if I could come and take over on the grandchildren. I never saw this as a problem. I adore my little ones. They brought me such deep happiness. My daughter in law seemed to need my help frequently. My x would send me to their home to be nanny for awhile or I would be able to have them at my home for awhile. However I began to feel like a useful object as far as x was concerned. I was expected to drop what ever I was doing and go immediately because the daughter in law was in need. I traveled alone for many miles to get to be there for them. I was never to crazy about traveling alone. However, now that I have left my situation, my x has probably convinced them that I am not okay mentally. My son never calls me to see how I am doing. My daughter in law was setting my husband up with dates two weeks after I left. (Poor who ever) I called my son the other day to see if I could have one or two of the grandchildren. He replied that if I came to his house I could see them. In the past I have had them for extended periods of time. My little ones mean so much to me and so do my children (2). The x began a campaign, once I left, to make me look like I had lost my mind. I really don’t know what to do about this. It hurts. I don’t want to be forever without them. Please help.
Thank You
Linda
Linda, there are no easy answers when the narcissistic ex starts on a campaign of put-downs. I advise not buying into it. The more strength you show, the less needy you look and they see there is no point in continuing. You have to put on a front sometimes to make this work, but it is worth it. I know you hurt and this is difficult, but if you want it to improve I would stand my ground now. I’d tell my son that when it was convenient I’d be over and meanwhile the invite for him to bring some of the kids remains open. Leave it there for now. And keep up the contact with the kids maybe through little gifts and invites directly to them if you can. Tell them they are welcome any time their mom and dad can bring them over and tell them what you have planned for them. It sounds like your daughter in law needs the approval of your ex. Nothing you can do about her neediness. Just ignore it, show strength, don’t lose touch. Be direct, drama free, and stand your ground. Show them, don’t tell them that you are not crazy! You can do this by not buying into their games. I know you want to see the kids. And I hope you will, soon. Think about this. And while this approach is what I would do, if it doesn’t feel right for you, then just ignore. There is never any one perfect answer and you have to do what feels right and best for you. But no matter what, you are not their doormat and they need to know this. Value yourself. You are worth it. Best, Ann
Wow your story is amazing and as angry as I am with husband, I am even more happy that you got away from him. “I don’t like me much sometimes”, I know it may be hard to hear but please know that you not only like you but you really do love you, and that is why you left. You realized your worth and you realized it was ok to love yourself and finally look out for yourself for once and it caused you to take action. You realized you were worth the fight and the effort to get out of that “marriage.” I think you are great for sharing your story.
I meant to say “and as angry as I am with your husband”
Thank you. You Caring replies have helped me every day. I have printed them out to include your replies in my notebook diary. I have made a diary of my life as a reminder of why I moved out of my former life. It helps immensely. The notebook and your replies have helped me not to sway in the decision to end the situation I was living in. Yes I am finding that I now like me. I am beginning to feel. I was engaged in a game of dominoes with my sister and her 14 year old grandson the other evening. We were laughing and having fun. I haven’t done that in so long. My x at times wanted to play games and have fun. My heart would never be in it. I was used to my x teaching me lessons if in some way I had angered him. So we could be having fun and he would take the joy out of what ever it was at some point. (intentionally.) I never truely had fun with him because of that. After a while of that kind of treatment, you expect it will come. But on our game night with my sister and her grandson we were laughing and telling jokes as we played. At one point I laughed till I cried. I haven’t done that since my early twenties. (early part of my marriage.) It felt great. I am attending church and making new friends. I am loving having friends. I am planning a backpacking trip from California to Oregon soon. I think I should take some time to smell the roses for awhile before going back to work. Just wanted to say the support and encouragement we get from you and others is so needed and so appreciated.
Thank you soooo much.
Linda
That just made me smile. I think that is just great. That says to me he did not win, YAY Linda! Go get yourself some more of that happiness and joy that you deserve and enjoy it! Wait , did you say backpacking from California to Oregon, ok now I’m just jealous LOL. Have a wonderful time and make sure that time is all about Linda and your loved ones