Verbal Abuse Support Page

 ”I Think I am Having A Nervous Breakdown”

That’s what many people say. Find out what’s happening and why.

Are You The Victim of a Liar?

LOVE, BETRAYAL, DIVORCE

Feeling sane is a matter of feeling in control.  

The narcissist doesn’t want you in control of your feelings or emotions. He wants you off guard, feeling chaotic, despair and need.  You may end up angry, depressed and sometimes suicidal.

But you don’t have to.

There are ways to navigate this journey.  There are practical, down to earth strategies that are exactly what is needed to take control and lose the feeling of going crazy.

In myths of old, perilous journeys are metaphors for the trials and tribulations we endure to develop strength.  It is important not to have a victim mentality.  Don’t despair. You are not mentally ill, you are injured. Getting to the other side of this means finding strength that will be with us for the rest of our lives. Life CAN get better.

“Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in awful bills.” Minna Antrim

My new book explains thriving and surviving narcissism in a series of short essays geared to everyone for every occasion a narcissist can bring to the table.

Fight or Flight

Slow down.  You are not “crazy”. You are feeling the physical reaction to extreme trauma and stress. Your reaction is normal.  It is an awful feeling, but normal under the circumstances.

Your body is in the fight or flight mode and you feel the physicality of your stress.  Cortisol and adrenaline, the stress hormones, are flowing through your body causing your heart to race and your breathing to become shallow.  (Deep breathing really does help switch from the panic mode to a calmer mode, done deeply enough which means your belly expands as a baby’s does when breathing, then completely emptying the lungs switches you over to the calming side of your nervous system, away from the fight or flight.  Give it a chance. Don’t try once then give up. Stay with it. Tell yourself you are in charge of your emotions, that you are learning how not to be a victim, then change your body to feel that way. It CAN work.)

Women and Madness

In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:

We now understand that women and men are not “crazy” or “defective”when, in response to trauma, they develop post traumatic symptoms,including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety,depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal.

Oppression causes bodily changes. These changes make you think you are going crazy.  There is a difference between a mental illness and a psychological injury.  Victims of abuse are not mentally ill, they have been injured.  Healing does happen.  We  find ways to move from victim to not-victim.

A Sense of Entitlement and Domestic Violence

We now understand more about what trauma is, and what it does. We understand that chronic, hidden family/domestic violence is actually  more, not less, traumatic than sudden violence at the hands of a  stranger, or of an enemy during war. We understand that after even a  single act of abuse, physical violence is only infrequently needed to  keep one’s victim in a constant state of terror, dependent on her  captor and tormentor.

Victims of narcissists are often not believed.  They become the victims of character assassination, betrayals, lies and manipulations. The shredded dirty fragments of a narcissistic self are thrown on them and at times they mirror their behavior.  The reaction is to become horrified.  Or to cower and shake. It is time to reframe, renew, exit learned helplessness and begin to pick up the pieces for renewal, hope and optimism and a future orientation. Allowing the narcissist to remain in control is destructive.

“Courage is resistance and mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”  

Mark Twain 

Read this when you feel powerless:

Skills For Dealing With Narcissism
by Bruce Gregory, Ph.D

Most people feel victimized by narcissistic forces and narcissists.  This is because they have felt consistently oppressed, suppressed, or frustrated by narcissistic forces   This becomes problematic in terms of achieving sustainability.

When one is in a “victim state,” one sees the oppressor as the enemy, as the one with the power, and as a result, the victim is easily manipulated into frustration and anger.  The narcissist will utilize this dynamic to incite people into emotional states which can be exploited into distractions from the core issues.

Skills for dealing with attempts to intimidate can be divided into two areas, intrapersonal and interpersonal.

Intrapersonally, it is essential not to react.  This means that reactions of fear, impatience, or anger are not  practical.  In their place should be patience and curiosity.  On an interpersonal level, responses and questions like, “that’s interesting; could you explain  that?; or, “I am not clear about that; would you please clarify (or elaborate)?; or, “it seems like there is a contradiction in your logic.”

All of these can generate positive results in terms of reducing the control of the narcissistic forces.  This is done through the non-reaction, which communicates, “you are not so powerful that you can manipulate me, or us, and distract us from the issue.  It is also done through the questions which communicate, “I/we are not afraid of you; we are not leaving the space/situation to your control alone; we will challenge you if necessary; you cannot win through intimidation or disinformation.”

Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance.  The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism’s actions or positions personally.

The narcissist, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it.

In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist’s world and take what is going on personally.

Narcissism’s actions are indiscriminate.  They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination and grandiosity.  An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person’s emotions to penetrate one’s own personal space.