NO EMPATHY – OUCH!
A hurtful act is the transference to others of the degradation which we bear in ourselves. - Simone Weil
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing. - Oscar Wilde
You are not a person to a narcissist and therefore you will never receive empathy from them. Your pain is invisible or, if pointed out, is of no consequence. If you cry, “You don’t understand” that is true. Relating to, support of, caring what you experience, and understanding what you are going through, is not available in a relationship with a narcissist. You walk alone.
Relating to A Narcissist
Watching a narcissist ingratiate himself to those he wants to please and from whom he wants admiration, you becomes an observer of the morphing from one persona to another. When I see the calm demeanor, the charming pleaser, the one who “could not possibly ever rage”, I am reminded of why dealing with a narcissist has been called living a war that never ends.
Finding out that someone you love has no understanding of others feelings and pain can hit like a ton of bricks. Every awakening experienced seems like the worst. “I never felt your pain.” is how my husband showed me his narcissism. I had just finished telling him how I had always felt his pain and used that as an excuse for his behavior (“oh, he suffered so much, I’ll let that go, I won’t challenge him, he’s had enough”).
People wonder what is wrong with those that marry, live and stay with a narcissist. There is nothing wrong, except their fear of the Pandora Box Effect. If you challenge the status quo, find your voice, and let people know what living with this person is really like, you unleash enormous rage .
Disengaging
Disengaging from a narcissist is having a strength that wasn’t there before. It is the strength to look at those who can not see your pain and not despair of their less than normal reaction. During a marriage you may not be fully cognizant of the situation. Emotional distancing and lack of questions about you or desire to know how you feel or to discuss problems is not normal. Living with a narcissist means never having to say, “I exist.” It means acting as if you are sorry all the air isn’t available for them. It’s a rotten way to live. But we don’t have to stay there once we know what we are dealing with.
Words have power. Name the illness and it loses some of its power. With a narcissist that isn’t as easy as with other situations. He will not care that you have been hurt or damaged by him, he will not care that you are in pain or even dying. He will stop at nothing to hurt you if you go against him.
A man who cares will not scream: “I’d rather pay the IRS than child support.” But this same man will NEVER let anyone else see this side of him. He must keep the public face in a public place, at any cost.
The Narcissist and His Attorney
A narcissists lawyer! Now there’s a nightmare if he too is a narcissist. My husband’s lawyer asked him: “Do you want me to hit her over the head with a 2×4?” When he was told my husband would rather pay the IRS than child support, he laughed in my face and said: “Well, there’s your answer, Ann.”
I’m not sure what the question was, but does it matter? They too do not care – certainly not about the damage they create in the family. Mothers try and hold the family together, lawyers pull them apart. The pain of mother and child is collateral damage. This mother will not let this go unsaid: if lawyer’s were held accountable for what damage they create, the courts would be overflowing. If mothers and children could sue – and who ever hears of the disenfranchised and disempowered and disrespected suing – then they would be in court all the time to receive justice. But justice doesn’t exist with a narcissist and his narcissistic lawyer. Annihilation, winning at any cost, damage control, but never justice.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I just found your site. I found a lot helpful, I lost during a very long nightmare with a change of judges. Dealing with a disability and seriousand complex medical care that was allowed to cone to a halt. To deteriorate while being left abandoned in the marital home my spouse was allowed to completely abandon and also leave me with no medical and falsify all, force me into a newly created , harmful, custom made judgment, immediately after a new judge took over. There had been arrangements already for me to be moved and secured in my own residence and a n agreement that was just and fair. I went from one judge where I was going to be OK, have a chance of having a life. To only being persecuted and for a very long time where it only became persecution.
Once I learned about this disorder and that I played no part in it, I literally let go of any responsibility to make excuses for him anymore. I realized that he did not need me in his life, he needs psychiatric help. I realized that he was like that before he met me and is still that way even though we are no longer a couple. I sit back and look at this man who told me for years that he was basically doing me a favor by being with me and how many women wanted him and wonder why he has not moved on with his life. Since he does not see me as an actual person with my own feelings, he has not accepted my admission to him that I will never ever resume or resurrect a relationship with him, he continues to try to “repair” the relationship, simply by spending a few dollars on flowers or gifts all to no avail. In this man’s eyes, I still “belong”to him, although we have not lived together since 2010. We don’t date, we are not romantic in any way, I do not call him, he calls me, I don’t ask him how he is doing or how is his life going, I don’t know if he dates, all because I DO NOT CARE, all that being said, but by his logic, I am supposed to want what he wants, not what I want. As he says I live in the past although when he feels like it he hurls insults and continues to call me names, I am only dealing with this because we have a child with this clown, I simply dismiss it and chalk it up to him being a major A-hole.
These people really have no clue whatsoever how to relate or connect to another person on a human level, they dehumanize you and therefore to them you have no thoughts and no feelings. I realize the reason he has not moved on is because, he knows himself all too well and knows he would never be able to meet a woman and keep her happy. Most women would leave ASAP once he revealed his true self, and narcissist can’t help but to reveal their true self, because they can only pretend but for so long and most women would run and fast. He knows this, he does not want to do the work it would take to try and keep a woman from leaving him because that would require something from him that does not exist within him, and this is why he would rather continue to try and resurrect the old with me than start something new with someone else. The me he knew then, proved herself to be loyal and took his crap and that is attractive to him, not that I am attractive to him, but my ability to acquiesce is what’s attractive. A woman with no life, no zest, no needs, no spirit, and no fight in her, is attractive to him because she does not challenge him to change in any way. The type of woman he always said I wasn’t would never put up with him or his crap, so in my opinion, that is why he is not with that type of woman today.
I use his lack of empathy and ability to connect as a reminder that his issues are not my issues and that he needs the kind of help that I am not equipped to offer him and I am ok with that. I see him spinning out of control because he is scrambling to present to the world that he has someone there for him, when in reality he does not. I always told him that he wants the facade of a family but does not want to do what is necessary to make it a reality. The image he presented was the most important thing.
We both existed before we met each other and can go on existing without each other. I at least know that I will find a happy normal man to love and who will love me back, I can’t say that for him however, as I do not believe he will ever find inner peace and true happiness.
As I read this my heart aches as I have after 16 yrs. of marriage to a narc. man come to realize the depth of his NPD and all the abusive cycles I and my 3 children survived thru. I now am going thru a legal separation, and he instead of being sadened and in remorse for his abusiveness and affairs is living life like I never existed. As well as enjoying it to the fullest and showing his new found freedom on his facebook “fan” pages. He has used fb. as a real weapon and I think it is a narcissists dream of showing the world what a wonderful person they are. People honestly believe his lies and agree when he tells the world his wife is just “crazy”. I am broken and he is living it up. He is incapable of empathy, compassion, or mercy. What I lived thru was hell, and the slow destruction that he planned against my mind and soul has taken its toll. I could barely think for myself anymore or even make a small decision on my own. He “owned” me in all sense of the word. He also still spouts his “righteousness” to the world and his “savior” role to all women he needs to save from themselves or others. He is a fraud and a liar, and the sadest part is that there are 3 beautiful, hurt, and very confused and abused children involved. It is shocking that the court system here double victimizes the abused wives-and the judge was a women. dispicable…..
Please know that you will not remain “broken” and that the healing has begun because you are here and you are aware of who and what you were dealing with. I swear I believe change comes from just knowing. So many women still do not know they are dealing with narcissists and are still in the dark and are scrambling around putting their energy into fixing what they believe to be a “bad relationship” and little do they know, that it is so much more than that, so you are definitely on the right track because you do know. Trust me, once you start putting more and more of your energy into yourself and less into him and the whys and why nots, you will not feel as broken, you will feel empowered. Don’t let him take any more of your energy, who cares what his new life is like, I say just remember what your old life was like with him and be grateful that he is gone from it and starting making your life into the life YOU want. I say this because I am sure being married to a narcissist, you weren’t really living the life YOU wanted, you were living the life HE wanted, because that’s what we do, we fall in line with their program and lose sight of what our program is and can be. It will get better but it takes time and work. Don’t let the past take away from your now, be all about the now!
As I think back on my Narc ex-husband and all the horrible, twisted and abusive things he did to me, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. He threw me out of our home in a narcissistic/borderline rage and because he bought the home before he met me, I had no legal right to it. I lived there as his wife for 8 years, painting, remodeling, furnishing, planting shrubs and flowers and making it a beautiful home. And this arrogant, hateful devil threw me out without a second thought. I repeatedly asked him to put my name on the deed for years. He said he would, but then always had an excuse and never did. He went into a screaming narcissistic rage for no reason one morning as I was getting ready for work. I literally had to throw armfuls of clothes and personal items into the back of my car and then go to work! I never went back. He played with my emotions for the next two years, saying he wanted to reconcile and then saying no he didn’t, then yes he did, etc. These men are pathological liars. One week he would tell me that he wanted to reconcile with me and the next week he would tell me he wanted to move on with his life and meet someone else! He broke my heart over and over again.
During the course of the marriage I had a recurrence of cancer and developed an autoimmune disease. I truly feel both of these physical ailments were brought on by the abuse and stress from living with him. He stopped having sex with me after only two years of marriage. I should have left him then. He was mad over something he said I did (another hypervigilant overreaction). He held a grudge and never had sex with me again for the next 5 years. I am so embarrassed that I stayed with a hateful, vindictive, abusive man like this. When I asked him why he would not be physically intimate with me, he said that “when a man is not attracted to his wife, this is what happens”. This is the same man that said I was beautiful and “made for the bedroom” and could not keep his hands off me for the first 4 years that we were together (we were engaged for three years). He turned on me, going from loving and doting to demanding, cruel, cold and grudge-holding. He would scream that he was going to let his grown kids know “what I was really like.” (This was the second marriage for both of us. Thank God I did not have any children with this idiot. ) Talk about a “God Complex”. He made the most abusive demands and had the most abusive expectations of me. He expected me to cook for and coddle his grown kids and family. He filed for divorce 2 days after I cooked Easter dinner for his whole family. Three months before that he had asked me to move back in. He wanted to reconcile with me. I could write a book.
Long story short. He divorced me because I said I could not go to an out-of-town birthday party for one his relatives. I was sick with a sinus infection and an autoimmune flare-up. He said that wasn’t a good enough excuse. I had to be in the hospital, and then he would “excuse” me. Go to hell. His sense of entitlement was sickening and maddening. This is when I finally put my foot down and said no, I had gone every year for the past 8 years and I just could not do it this year. He divorced me. This is no joke. Narcissists are mentally ill, evil and vindictive. I could go on forever with disgusting examples of his verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Thank God he divorced me. But, this has been the hardest, most hurtful thing I have ever had to go through. I cried for months working through the pain and heartbreak. My mind could not come to grips with the fact that the man I thought would love me until I died (or he died) could be so cold, cruel, fake, not even human. It boggles the mind. He would treat people he just met better than he treated me as his wife! He actually yelled at me for bothering him when he was trying to talk to (impress with his fake self) his son’s new in-laws. I called him on his cell phone because I could not find him at this family outdoor party and he was angry that I had dared to call him on his cell phone and embarass him while he was talking to these people. I was having some physical problems that day and I needed my husband for a few moments and he refused to answer his cell phone. Hateful things like this were commonplace occurrences and this was just the very tip of the iceberg. I finally found him smiling and “acting” the perfect role for these people as I limped up to him. He showed his displeasure with me by a hateful look on his face. He smiled at her and then look hateful at me, his wife!
I do want to say one last thing. Many therapists that we went to were taken in by his good looks, charm, and he manipulated them! My heart sunk as I was blamed by two of the therapists (women!) as being hard on him! I actually was suicidal after one session in which the therapist (a weak man) let my ex abuse me and call me names in the session! My ex lied to me to get me into the session (he said that he wanted to reconcile with me) and then in the middle of the session he said he wanted to see other women! I wanted to kill myself that night. I got on the phone, got some emotional support, and cried my heart out for hours.
I am rebuilding my life and I am determined to live it well, and with joy! Let me encourage all of you who have been the victim of a Narc., to get out and detach from them (I finally blocked his number from my phone. He wanted to see me on the side, still with no sex, while he was pursuing a relationship with another woman.) These men are truly twisted and mentally ill. Don’t ever speak to them again and start living the life you deserve! Thank you to all of you beautiful, strong women. I have been strengthened by your testimonies. God Bless us all!
And many thanks to you for sharing your story. Every story shared becomes a link in a chain that victims use to climb up and out and onward. These stories are testaments of strength and character and wisdom and mean so much. Thank you. Best, Ann
That’s right, live well and with joy!
I had to come back to your entry Rhonda because as I read your story and thought, this man filed for divorce for THAT, I just cannot help but think about how silly, immature and simple-minded these people are. I think about the dumb stuff that my ex actually forms his lips to say and I sometimes just laugh at the lunacy of it all. When we (those involved with narcissists) are in a place where we either have disengaged from their torment or are at least ready to disengage from it, after a while, you cannot help but sit back and look at how these men are really like tween boys. It is so easy for me not go back to this man, because his immaturity is such a major turn-off and is such a joke, that I could never ever consider reconciling. I listen to him, and watch his actions and all I can do now is shake my head and laugh at how silly he is.
My ex just recently bought our child some clothes and sent a nasty text days later, saying I have to give him half of the money, mind you this man does not pay child support (I never filed), and mind you I did not ask him to buy any clothes for our child, he just did it on his own and now he THINKS, I’m going to pay half (insert laughter here!). He must be out of his ever loving mind. When I read the text, and its nastiness du jour, I laughed and did not even acknowledge that nonsense with a response. Narcissists are pathetic. I know the issue of abuse of any kind is a serious one and is not to be made light of, but I can’t help but to make light of the things my ex does and says. They literally do not know how to relate to you in a mature way at all and at my age, I’m sorry but I’m over it. It might be cute when a 4 year old acts out and throws a tantrum but not when a 40 year old MAN does it.
what can i say….. i have just realised as of this evening that this is what i couldnt put my finger on. im sitting here as i type with a black eye, i have literally just got away from a relationship with a narcissistic man. Thats the first time Iv ever said that. i cant tell you how much reading this thread has shown me, and started to change those residual feelings i have been having. Iv been leaving on and off for 2 years out of our 2 and half year relationship. I kept on being drawn back in, I finally left just days ago after he was particularly violent. Reading your posts and advice has switched on so many lightbulbs for me. I didnt know this man at all. I do know, more than I could have ever imagined, I have finally found acceptance to what it really was. I have questions for myself, why when I knew it was bad did I keep going back. He had me in such a place that he broke me down with insults about so many parts of me, then “built” me back up with fake emotion. thats exactly how its transpired. Always only ever concerned with talking about him self, lack of empathy, lack of intimacy , Iv often described him as having no conscience, he never could see what he had done that harmed me, there was unfaithfulness, but of course that was my fault as he said, i know it wasnt. I had been seeking something, trying to find out what went wrong, trying to fix it thinking he would change and i was the problem, i went through all these emotions and for the first time since i met him , today, I FEEL FREE. I see it for what it is, i see him for what he is, and he doesnt even see it himself. My goodness, i had never heard of narcissistic abuse until tonight, the word came on the computer as i was trying to research some kind of victim therapy for myself. Thankyou so much for this. You will know how i feel r ight now
the penny has finally dropped!!!!! I need to be brave, be strong and be kind to myself now. I need to keep reminding myself… he did not love me, and i dont want to love anyone who wishes to hurt me. I love myself now.
It is indeed liberating to understand. I know I speak for all here who wish you good luck on your journey moving forward. And if you have moments of doubt or fear, don’t worry. This is normal as part of the process of moving on. You are on amazing path now. Enjoy! And indeed, you are right to be kind to yourself – you deserve it. Best, Ann