Divorcing and Narcissism are a difficult combination.
A narcissist in divorce will test your strength. Be prepared.
Divorce is never good - but take a narcissist/verbal/emotional abuser and his lawyer and you have a situation that can turn quickly into an explosive battle. You can be hit with increasingly intense abuse. The legal system can be a very effective battering tool.
Learn how to navigate these waters. Be prepared. If you have not yet begun the process of divorce protect yourself by careful planning. One woman asked if people listened about the importance of planning. I told her some do and some don’t.
She said, “Tell them I am the poster child for not planning and it isn’t good.”
Before You Begin To Divorce A Narcissist
This is a dangerous time. In times of danger the best thing to do is prepare.Men are used to doing battle. Women are not. But men are easy prey for emptying their bank account by greedy lawyers. I wrote in my book about divorce:
The first thing my husband’s attorney asked him was “Shall I hit her over the head with a 2×4?” There is such pathology in this that we must be aware, vigilant, and prepared. The legal system is adversarial and full of men and women with tremendous needs for power.
We are dealing with narcissists who are already damaged and primed to do battle.
PLANNING is CRITICAL!
If you have a lot of money, your tactics will be somewhat different than that of one with lesser money. But everyone has something to protect. There will be no mercy shown by your narcissist during this time. His sense of entitlement is boundless and you will be maligned and disparaged and anything, any crumb you get will be too much for you. In his mind, you are worthless, you deserve nothing.
Plan. Plan. Plan. Make sure you have access to all the family funds and accounts. Unless it is an inheritance or there is a prenup, family money belongs to both of you. If you are not on title of the house, make sure you do this.
Get a support group of therapists, friends, family members. Make sure therapists understand narcissism and can testify in your behalf in court.
If the therapist is good but resists the words narcissist and narcissism, call it emotional and verbal abuse.
Do not discuss impending divorce. This gives him time to drain the bank accounts, change documents. When you hire a lawyer, do not tell your spouse immediately. Tell the lawyer your situation. Ask if they can handle tough cases. Make sure you interview several lawyers. Ask who the “pit bull” lawyers are so you can interview them. That way, even if you do not hire them, neither can your spouse.
Negotiate the retainer. Most family law attorneys overcharge. Try and find one that gives you some breathing space in terms of how they charge. The more prepared, calm and efficient you are, the more the attorney will respect you. Emotion and long stories are not liked by attorneys. They are busy, they want cut to the chase information – are there custody issues? is there property to be divided? how much? what problems do you foresee?
Planning is never so important as in divorce. Get your ducks in order and do all you can and be prepared before you announce you want a divorce.
If that’s too late, then begin getting support group together. It is never too late to hire evaluators or therapists for your side. If custody will be an issue, be prepared that he will try to alienate your child from you with brainwashing. Learn as much as you can before you divorce.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Really informative article.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.
I agree with Ms. Cherelle, great article with hitting the nail on the head. I’ve been divorced for four years and the hatred and attempts at manipulation continue from mine.
Dealing with a narcissist in divorce;
My best advice and experience for someone in a divorce or still dealing with a narcissist ex-spouse is to NOT ENGAGE. They will do anything to drag you in or manipulate your feelings and thought processes. I found that the most painful thing to a narcissist is being IGNORED. Even when the lies start flying, IGNORE IT. Think about getting hit with a bat by a professional baseball player, that’s what it feels like to a narcissist when you ignore them. Comments will be made that will be hurtful, untruthful, and foremost demeaning. No matter what you do or how much want to be amicable, just forget it. With the lack of control that they no longer have of you, they hate you, and consider you their utmost enemy. Work on DETACHING from their world. Get it in your head, that they will NEVER change no matter what you do. All they want is for you to be continue to be their HOSTAGE.
Keep in mind, that even though their persona displays a hardcore tough exterior, they are truly weak people on the inside. For the most part in a divorce & post divorce, they will utilize their attorneys to attempt to regain control, and bully you to continue their abuse.
Lawyers & your settlement;
Your MSA (Marital Settlement Agreement) will be you future bible. It is one of the strongest binding contracts in the world. It will take and act of God to change it once its signed by a judge. DO NOT sign the MSA with language you cannot live with, even if you have to be the bad guy. The narcissist will pick it apart to find items that they can control and abuse you with later. Even when your divorce is over, it’s not over to them (especially with kids).
From the start, do not allow the lawyers to fight with each other. They don’t care and aren’t really fighting, its called posturing so they get your money. All the other rubbish that normally happens before the MSA is just a phony process to get to the same thing that’s gonna happen, a settlement sit down. Insist on proceeding with a settlement from the start and don’t back down from it. Its not going to be easy, but it will save a lot of money and emotion.
Take back your identity of who you are.
Enjoy,
Mr. Nice Guy
Great advise, my daughter has gone through this and since the ex has remarried a lawyer and they are now driving her mad with their using the child to control and abuse. It is now going through the courts and they play the ‘she’s mental’ card. Amazing that her mental health is intact after all the years with this man. Only advice is if you see a narcissist run like hell.
I agree with you Run like Hell . I hear this is getting more and more common these days. I am glad I raised my sons upstate NY…in the mountains. down to earth guys. My husband and I were raised like that. My brother whom I do not talk to that often was and is a narcissts. He went through a lot of women. He had a great business spent all his money on impressing woman, buying expensive jewelry, Rolex watches. Cars houses etc..NOW LOL LOL….he is sweeping in a grocery store and bagging food. He is losing his hair and his testesterone. LOL….I pray for him but no sympathy. A lot of women has ran from him Fast…Good girls…
My son married a Narcissist. She was spoiled as a child very bad from her mother’s side of the family. She has siblings but they were ignored. Anything she wanted she got. Her mother belittled her husband in front of her so she had no respect for men. Now 31 she is out of my son’s house. They are separted and trying for joint custody. She is the most obnoxious person I have ever met. She has shown me and my husband no respect. It is all about her. Forget the child and my son. I did not like her from the start, the goodness and Christianity in me tried to love her and her family. BUT I can not. She told me she should not have married my son. She should have married a richer man. She is physically a phoney with 3000.00 breast implants. Was wearing fake eyelashes. Phoney nails. 125.00 hair styles. over a thousand dollars of clothes.
165.00 sunglasses..She had a good job making megamoney..too bad she got layed off..too bad baby. She is living with a psychotic ex alcoholic that had her daughter taken away from her. The both of them are Narcissits. I pray my son finds a real live woman that loves him for what he is. I do not feel bad because my son is strong and I have a beautiful Grandaughter