Sometimes your intuition is telling you something just isn’t right but you aren’t quite sure what it might be. There are red flags that, once you know them, can be the window to understanding your gut feelings.
Do you find yourself in a relationship that gives you some concern? Are you afraid this person has some “issues” that might cause a lot of trouble? Does your gut tell you something isn’t right? Do some fact checking and answer these questions:
- Does he rage and then apologize and promise it will never happen again? How many times do you need to see this before you recognize this as a tactic of an abuser? Once is enough. Two times is too much. Go.
- Is he ‘too good to be true’? Is he your soul mate? knight in shining armor? And you know this on the second or third date? Better step back and give this one some time. No one is perfect and often abusers are charming and manipulative.
- Does he ask you for money? Does he never take you someplace nice for dinner? Being thrifty is fine, but being pathological about money is not. Watch out for clues such as a someone with a good job that never spends money. Narcissists do not have a normal relationship with money.
- Does he spend money unwisely? The other pathology surrounding money is that of the show – off. The man with huge roll of bills who is always buying drinks for the bar, but doesn’t know how to save for the house.
- Is he insensitive to your needs, often making fun of you? Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel bad!
- Does he have a need to control situations? To control you? While this may feel comforting, it is infantalizing and you are a grown person now who needs to make her own decisions.
- Does he have a good persona in front of others? Do they think he is “just great”? while you know better?
You have a right to be treated with respect. The narcissist is incapable of doing so. Narcissistic personality disorder is just that – a disorder of the personality. People in these relationships find that over time things get worse, not better. Don’t marry a narcissist. Don’t think you can change one. You can’t.
You can change yourself. More self confidence will lead to less neediness. It’s better to be alone than with an abuser.
Charm is a facade, manipulation will wear you down, and one day you will find dreams have turned into a nightmare if you stay with a toxic partner.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I read the 7 signs and im still not sure.
I am a 35 year old female . This is my 2nd marriage
I came into this marriage with a child + added 3 with
My 2 nd hubby person in question
So i would definitly like to be sure
(Before i run for my
Life) that this is indeed what he suffers from
A little background
1. Yes i thought i was in
Love right away! Yet i have always felt unsettled to the point i could only fall asleep until if i fell asleep before he got to bed
2 he totally suffers from lack or no empathy from our wedding night until today! We had no finances and all the labour type work fell on me always 3 back to back pregnancies. i had a couple episodes where
He screams so loud at the kids id pee myself?
3.he is the angriest person i have ever met! That said my dad has these symptoms as well
4he always apologizes and acts like te sweetest pup
The only symptom he is really missing is the money one!
When he has money he buys
Extravagant gifts for me mainly then thr kids never himself
That was brief as we have been broke 90% of our marriage.
And yes he takes care of all bills abd finances
At every one of our childrens birth he made it about him , he started up with my sister
When i had a miscarriage it was about him
I had to comfort him.
His thoughts are superior then mine our kids and all guessts that enter
Our home. Its embarrassing to say the least
He gets involvef in shady business deals and puts the blame on me
I picked a rental 500 over budget now were broke?wtf
My arguement was if
You handle all the finances then aske to find a place
Under 1500 and i do you cant blame me.
That means you gave me the wrong budget not iade
A mostake, i explained the only
Mistake i make is listening to you becaise you handle the
finances because you think you know better.
I have also always argued that if we have $1 or 1,000,000
We should discuss how that dollar is going to be spent
Where i have a problem is He agrees and what i say makes sense
But he says he sees he has a problem but he doesnt understand it as in why he reacts that way
He kept suggesting we tape our arguements so he can
Prove hes
Right we did and he saw himself with the kids screaming amd how
Scared they were
And he was crying ( he watched it alOne)
I spied
I have lost a huge
Sense of myself but i thank g d everyday for
Allowing me to keep my sanity for blessing me with a brain
And education so i know this is
Wrong.
Now
If i could just figure out what to
Do
did i tell you i paid for our honeymoon $6000
And he sat next to 2
Female strangers that laughed at all his jokes
I didnt fond finny and bc they gave him att he
Totally didnt see
How
Much i was pained that was the first red flag
When a
Guy at
Thw resort walked up to me a coordinator
Not even a
Guest and kissed my cheek he went haywire??!
I have always been stubborn amd challenged him in every way
It
Makes
Him mad but hes made
Changes too slowly but
He does
Change Signed confused and is there hope
I do
T want to breaky family but the
More im
Witjh him the
More i feel
My sanity slipping away!
you know what, you have children they deserve better ! and so do you. get help and get out !
girl– in a similar situation.
I don’t have kids with him nut he’s manipulating me with money, I never have a say, he has angry rages, then is totally amazing… but I never know what mood he’s going to be in. his sleep patterns are abnormal and he has no concept of time… and often I don’t get enough sleep (like weeks ad weeks of 5-6hrs) and when I yawn he acts strange and mimics me, it’s like psychological hell. one time he became so verbally abusive and actually made me hate myself… and I drank so much vodka to hurt myself I couldn’t move I don’t know if it was a cry for help or self harm but the ambulance had to come and he was cold and sarcastic during the whole time.
anyway maybe I am too emotional about things but now is a time to really calculate the facts because clearly these people are not the types you can lean on emotionally it rely on, and if uncheked could send their spouses round the bend. I don’t ave advice but seriously wish you luck and hope you cangain strength an look back on it somedy
Isabelle – leave now. As time goes on you will find that you will not have any friends or family left to help you. He is using the kids to control you — or if he hasn’t done that already, he will.
On the other hand, you don;t say anything about what you do or your education… but this guy is a big loser!
it took me 13 yrs to stumble across the word narcissism. i actually had no idea how to pronounce it. as i read more and more…i was stunned, shocked..as tears fell out of my eyes i realized finally what the problem was, and once you (self diagnose) you see it more and more when you observe them. only thing is ….im turning into one. im totally aware that i have picked up those horrific controlling raging habits from the man that controls me. for example, he calls me EVERY DAY.. 4 times a day AT the SAME EXACT time. NOW, if he dont call me at one of those times…I FLIP OUT. im beginning to scare myself. im pretty sure exposed to this for such long periods of time ..would prolly explain why he’s like this himself. thank god im aware. ok anyway…this is my life …in a nutshell of hell
>> met him during the end of my marriage. i had a small child already. he was 3 yrs younger than me. and PERFECT. he watched me sleep, he wrote “i love you ” on masking tape and put strips ALL over my body as i slept. he “showed me” what making love really was. and i was in heaven. i thought i was the luckiest person on the planet, however i felt aweful because my divorce was not final. and i swear in hindsight, my N would practically brainwash me into finalizing the divorce and marrying him. i had soo much guilt that i wound up getting gastro issues. but i said ” this love only happens 1 in a lifetime” so i left my heartbroken hubby and started a PERFECT life wit my N. we got our names tattooed on eachother after only 3 months…(that shoulda been thought out alittle better), but dont forget…this was PERFECT, why wouldnt i . then the talk about wedding. he told me and i remember him saying ” I DONT LIKE TO BE A CENTER OF ATTRACTION” ..so lets elope. awwwww how frikkin romantic i thought. this really is perfect! what a fool i was, looking back..HE WOULD DIE IF HE WASNT CENTER OF ATTRACTION!!!
well..fast forward …2 beautiful children later ..and a purchase of a home 4 hrs from family/friends. IT all changed. i cant pinpoint where that change occured or how. it was a slowww death im sure. sex went to every 3-6months. which only occured when i would attempt to sit and tell him my feelings. cuz ..well, thats what he told me was how to have the perfect marriage. honesty and openess… (LOL). EVERYTIME I TOLD HIM MY FEELINGS….10 minutes later he would be in his N rage, THEN i would cry..then he would say he didnt wanna see my face anymore..then i would cry even more, he would avoid me in the house, tell me to stop with the tears. that begain my jeorney to hell. because this occured SOOO OFTEN, my def. mechanism would begin to kick in ..and i could no longer cry in front of him. i was scared. so i began to do what he did. RAGE. it felt not as sad, and lonely. maybe thats what happened to him. he stopped crying as a child ?? who friggin knows, all i know is ..that has now happened to me. he has abandoned me for soo long. for years…i would lay in bed and cry, wearing my sexiest lingerie. NOTHING..no response. i would cry that i need him, and want him. no response. then, i fell into a deep depression. laying on the couch asking myself..” am i bipolar like he tells me i am” or ” am i nuts”.. well, that depression was the beginning of the end because when i had a nervous breakdown 5 yrs ago, he simpy said ” go see a damn dr” . wouldnt hold me, wouldnt tell me i’d be ok. COLD STONE EMPTY SHELL OF A POS! here i am, cooking …cleaning…raising the children….homework…after school activities… home repairs ( yes thats right, i had to call for a repair) . i was exhausted..i was mommy . i lost who i was. i wasnt beautiful, i wasnt sexy. no one needed me, no one wanted me. i wanted to die. the only reason im still here if for the fact that my soul is not dead yet. i know this is wrong. i know in my heart of hearts im being sexually, emotionally and verbally/physically abused. (sexually abused > baby, its been 3 months and i need you, and i feel insecure, and i wanna be your wife…. is what i would say THEN, once his rage started..he would say this to me …” SEE, this is why i dont F*ck you, because your a b*tch”. huh? WHU? ok, so here i go …apologizing for the umpteenth time for my bipolar behavior)
then …then the real kicker happened. while i was laying in bed for mr perfect to come home from work, he was on the internet searching i guess, for a better bride? oh, because i dont laugh at his jokes anymore. yes, i didnt include in my horror story that ….. he acts like a 10 yr old in the store. putting bras on my childrens head. riding a skateboard thru a toy store. he will wander off , leaving me wit all 3 kids. he will cut people in line…all for the attention that he claimed he hated in the beginning. EVERYONE thinks he’s just the funniest guy, im sooo lucky. im the luckiest…cant you tell??? he can juggle…he juggles everywhere we go. oh and DONT steal any attention from him. like THANKSGIVING…when im gettin praise from my family FOR ONCE…for such a beautful job, and lovely home and great desserts..and thank you for having us…yada yada….HE’s JUGGLING and dropping shit…and breakin stuff in the den for attention…LOL, swear that really happened. bizarre behavior…like a child. a friggin child i marrried. whats for dinner…is that BONE IN CHICKEN?? with this child like face on. the man is broken..and hes breaking me and his kids too. oh ..so back to the internet :: hubby meets girl on internet…girl thinks hubby is coolest, funniest thing on planet…girl gives hubby attention…hubby falls for girl. (19 yr old girl). well, without my knowing hubby goes to NYC to meet girl. and to make a long story short. it was MY FAULT. you dont laugh at me anymore….and this one ” you did something 14 yrs ago, so whats the big deal ” … he saw no reason to apologize that he met another woman. and had a private email address with her. WELL, that was it. i left, took kids. and just like a switch..he was mr. perfect again. lured my ass right back. and it was perfect. JUST LIKE THE BEGINNING. that bastard! my family was floored. i tried to prove to him i was right in my feeling of devastation by putting this scenario on yahoo questions…and got 30 responses that were clearly on my side. i showed him. and i dont even think he read it. i mean, he read it..but didnt feel nothing! NOTHING…
(physical abuse, he smacked me and the instant it happened i grabbed my face and screamed “why did you hit me, and his quick response was ” i didnt hit you , ur a liar” WHAT??? u just hit me i said, and my daughter ran in my room and he said ” mommy is losing it, i didnt hit her” ..meanwhile, my cigarette that he whacked out of my mouth was on the floor burning” ) he actually got me to think ” holy crap did he not hit me” omg i am bipolar. so there i was …not calling my family, no friends..lying in a fetal position crying ..thinking. im broken. maybe i hit my head. maybe my grandma had a gene. maybe i shouldnt be here. he forbid me to get medication, telling me “anti depressents make people unstable and he would fear his life living with me” . all in all….he never cared, he never loved. he never nothing! he feels, lives on people praising him. his sense of humor. my heart is broken and he could care less. why? because he has an empty soul. when i needed him the most, is when i had him the least. (emotional abuse > babe, can we have another baby, please.. maybe that will help our marriage, is what i say..and him” IF YOU DIDNT END THAT PREG. 15 yrs ago, you’d have 4 children” so NO!”) ..ok, kill me why dont you at his point. i am worthless, i am not worthy of love and affection. but my soul is still alive i guess cuz im still here, at my computer, drinkin my coffee, with my children in their rooms, while my N is at work, scheming im sure on how he will break me some more when he gets home. maybe its because i believe in god that im here, see..he doesnt. because he doesnt ..i chose to not go to church with our children, i didnt want to raise them against my N’s Beliefs. boy was i dumb. I BELIEVE IN GOD. i believe in love, and pain. and sorrow, and guilt and all good things. i care about people. i care about their feelings. i cry at ones pain. im crying now.lol…its amazing i didnt passs from dehydration from all the tears ive produced in 15 yrs. so today..i have an appt with a psychotherapist whos goin to help me. help me leave this POS i would have done anything for. IM goin to FIGHT for my home..my children….and my LIFE. god be with me. xoxo AND one thing :: to anyone reading this who has a similar story…u are beautiful, you are worthy…u deserve to know that! ur a miracle in its own right..and you will be tested on just how strong you are. and you are! godspeed
Your story is the same as mine and i too have broken free, lets hope we both have the strength and courage to be who we once were before we met them
sometimes i wonder ..am i the N? but then i think..no, i feel pain and sorrow. I’m just f’d up ..its ok. i’m a mess, but im normal. i hope
I too went through the same. He was mr perfect soon the name calling started then the hitting back and forth until i thought i was the crazy one
It all started with you need to get a divorce like NOW..in three months he wanted to marry me and move in with me.. He lived in nc i live in ny. I would travel 12 to 13 hours to see this guy and on top of that pay everything (he never had money). I was in the middle of a separation with my hubby and i was so down looking for real love!…. He was mr perfect sooooo perfect I FOUND MY PRINCE!!that came crashing down once he started to ask me for money. He wouldnt answher my calls or just answhered the phone in rage if I asked what is wrong he would say–Well I have no money I f….. hate everyone .. I would break down and send him money right away.. This would change his behaivor he would be happy and now I was the most amazing woman in the world… fast forward … He was like jackel and hide bipolar.. Yelling screaming at me calling me a b*t8ch ,wh*r*e, lesbian everything in the book just because i wouldnt get an apartment and send him money he would just be in rage…sending me emails that said things like die your a b*tch wh*ore you always are and will be your sloppy seconds…fast forward he always went back in being nice and mr perfect and i always ended up thinking it was all my fault i caused this,….He would look through my purse my phone everything ..He would ask how come i never had money .. I ended up paying his child support his phone bills etc… one email even said ………. I ALWAYS KNEW AND HAD THE FEELING THAT YOU ARE A WHORE ..LESBIAN STUPID BITCH .. this went on and on and on … hE WAS MARRIED 3 TIMES BEFORE I SPOKE TO THE EX WIFE AND THEY DIDNT EVEN WANT TO SPEAK HIS NAME… FAST FORWARD … HE WANTED ME TO MOVE IN WITH HIM … I SAID NO I WASNT READY WRONG ANSWHER….. HE FLPPED OUT AND ASLMOST KILLED ME HE HAD ME DOWN ON THE BED SAYING HE WAS GOINT TO SNAP MY NECK LIKE A CHICKEN IF I DIDNT SHUT UP.. HE RAPED ME AND BEAT ME ..HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUGG ABUSSER…
I have 16 emails if anyone is interested in them just email me trust me they will help any one in this situation realize to leave
i think my husband is Narcissistic .he scares me alot and it can be sooo draining ,he keeps on blaming for everything making me feel a bad mum and wife ,when i try to budget for every week to make sure we dont run of money ,he losses it i try to talk to him i am just trying to make sure we dont run of money .he yells at me and it scares me among other things ,i love my husband so much ,but i dont know what to do anymore no matter i say or do he gets angry with me i dont want to sound selfish . do i talk to him about it or do i just walk away from him i dont know what to do anymore i am sooooooooooo drained from it.i am just to scared to do anything without setting him off.i just dont know what to do. all i know i cant handle it anymore
Please don’t live in fear. You need to think about your life, your health and happiness. You are as valuable a person as anyone else. If your spouse is a narcissist, begin to think about leaving. Don’t do it suddenly, don’t tell him, but begin to read, learn, and think what a happy future might look like. Why do you love someone who treats you badly? If he treats you badly do you think you don’t deserve to be treated nicely? But, no rash decisions, especially if you fear him. Male plans only inside your head, and think about how you might design a new life. If you can’t handle this any more, begin to plan for a life you do want. One that you can handle. But plan, plan, plan….don’t enrage him until you have a plan in place and money to make it happen. But don’t wait forever also. Fine line to walk, but others have done it and so can you.
Ann