What Is Narcissism?

by Ann Bradley on August 11, 2011

Ann Bradley, M.A. is a consultant, coach, speaker, and the author of Let’s Talk About Narcissism and DIVORCE: The Real Truth and Hidden Dangers. Ann’s books are available on Amazon Kindle, the iBookstore, and the Nook. She attended the University of Pennsylvania, Antioch College and Stanford University (Ph.D graduate studies).  Ann is a certified positive psychology coach who studied with Martin Seligman, PhD. from the University of Pennsylvania. She has extensive experience working with high conflict divorces and the men and women involved in them.

Narcissistic Abuse

When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

We use that analogy to draw us in to the collapse of a life; a collapse orchestrated by a narcissistic wife or husband with assistance from the legal system. From that collapse, arises terror, fear, pain and loss of voice. But listen carefully, for brave voices thunder through the universe with truth and power and refusal to accept the silencing. These voices embraces pain and demand justice. This is a hero’s journey: a heart motivated fury, outrage tempered with wisdom and these voices are a gift to all of us.

What is narcissism?

…it is verbal abuse, physical abuse,  put downs, manipulation, betrayal, lack of empathy, accusations, failure to communicate, lack of intimacy…it is all of this and more. Relationships are never easy but an abusive one is damaging in so many ways.

Narcissism is categorized as a personality disorder by the mental health profession.  It is referred to as NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Few are ever diagnosed because few go to therapy.   Narcissism is not high self-esteem, but a condition where the typical narcissist suffers from

  • Preoccupation with hiding real or perceived flaws
  • Overestimation of  importance, achievements, talents and skills
  • Maladaptive attention seeking behavior
  • Inability to empathize with others
  • Excessive anger and shame in response to criticism often resulting in rage

The narcissist will often manipulate others, especially partners,  to control them.  Projection and blame are hallmarks of this manipulation.  It is estimated that 85% of narcissists are males. This site respects all victims of emotional abuse, both male and female.

KNOWING YOU ARE NOT ALONE IS IMPORTANT

Many people think they are the only ones victimized but you are not and you are in very good company. You don’t have to suffer when you leave, and you can learn from what others know.  Men – don’t be alarmed that it refers to narcissistic men – we know it is just as applicable to women.

CLICK HERE to learn about breaking up with a narcissist so you don’t have to be alone in your struggle.

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Betrayal

by Ann Bradley on December 7, 2011

Trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.
Thomas Fuller English clergyman & historian (1608-1661)

Betrayal, when realized, is a phenomenal existential feeling.

Suddenly your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question reality, but most of all you question yourself. “How”, you wonder, “could I have been so naive, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing?”  It may be difficult to believe, but these questions are good.

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Divorce and the Narcissist

by Ann Bradley on October 20, 2011

A narcissist will target and attack. Do not react.

Keeping emotions under control is the one factor that can make or break your situation.

Too much emotion and you risk being labeled a drama mama. Or too emotional if a man.

You will be attacked and lied about. The normal response is to become emotional. Don’t.

Remember that your narcissist is a pathological liar. Prepare for that.

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Divorce and Narcissism

by Ann Bradley on October 20, 2011

Divorcing and Narcissism are a difficult combination.

A narcissist in divorce will test your strength. Be prepared.

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Victim

by Ann Bradley on October 20, 2011

IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?

Why everyone can’t just “move on” and “choose a happy future”

Harvard trained M.D. and trauma expert  Dr. Frank Ochberg says  ”our culture now disparages, blames, isolates, and condemns someone for being a victim”.

Why are victims told to deny their reality?  Sometimes being sad is normal.  It doesn’t mean you stay there, but you don’t have to feel guilty for it. Sometimes you need help. The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed is flawed.

Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is often impaired.

Sometimes therapists makes the problem worse because they are not aware of what being the victim of a narcissist is really like. The phrase “move on with your life” is commonly used. Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, a home, savings, a family or job, this phrase can be another betrayal.

Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.

The entire infrastructure of a life is often destroyed.

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Verbal Abuse

by Ann Bradley on October 20, 2011

Verbal Abuse Support Page

 ”I Think I am Having A Nervous Breakdown”

That’s what many people say. Find out what’s happening and why.

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Narcissistic Abuse

by Ann Bradley on October 20, 2011

NARCiSSiSTiC ABUSE doesn’t have to spoil your life

Not sure if he or she is a narcissist or just a jerk?

THE JOY OF EX: Freedom from relationship tyranny, control and manipulation.

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Lack Of Empathy

by Ann Bradley on October 20, 2011

NO EMPATHY – OUCH!

A hurtful act is the transference to others of the degradation which we bear in ourselves.  - Simone Weil

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.  - Oscar Wilde

You are not a person to a narcissist and  therefore you will never receive empathy from them.  Your pain is invisible or, if pointed out, is of no consequence.  If you cry, “You don’t understand” that is true.  Relating to, support of, caring what you experience, and understanding what you are going through, is not available in a relationship with a narcissist. You walk alone.

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Sometimes your intuition is telling you something just isn’t right but you aren’t quite sure what it might be. There are red flags that, once you know them, can be the window to understanding your gut feelings.

Do you find yourself in a relationship that gives you some concern? Are you afraid this person has some “issues” that might cause a lot of trouble?  Does your gut tell you something isn’t right?  Do some fact checking and answer these questions:

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Manipulation

by Ann Bradley on October 20, 2011

Manipulation Is Control And No One Wins

The personality disordered charm and con and manipulate easily. Narcissists are very good at manipulation.

How Do I Know If I Am Being Manipulated?

If you feel like you can’t be heard, if you are afraid of being put down, if you give in when you don’t want to and feel powerless to change, if you lack assertiveness, if you are blamed all the time and told you are responsible for what is wrong, you are being manipulated. If you feel like a victim or martyr, you are being manipulated.

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Your Exit Strategy – A Most Important Event

October 7, 2011

If you are thinking of leaving your partner you need a plan. People are sometimes so anxious to get out they rush into exiting the relationship without a strategy. This is not the way to do it with a narcissist. If married, a divorce without a plan could mean you end up losing custody or [...]

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